


This Is the Road to Ruin (We Started at the End)

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Dark Rey, Dubious Consent, Dysfunctional Relationships, First Order Poe Dameron, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Choking, Force-Sensitive Finn, Hurt/Comfort, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Love, Manipulation, Multi, OT4, Plotty, Polyamory, Power Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-06 20:40:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11608527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: Poe couldn't really say if he enjoys his life in the First Order, but it is the only life he has ever known. He is the best pilot in the fleet, favored by Kylo Ren, and closer to a stormtrooper than is probably safe for either of them. But when Kylo brings in a Force-sensitive girl from the desert of Jakku with the intention of making her his apprentice, all of their lives will change in ways none of them could have predicted.(endgame darkjedistormpilot)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of people contributed to the completion of this monster, my longest single fic to date at 50k and my entry in WIP big bang, but I’m going to leave my thank yous and rambles until the end, aside from thanking my beta, @delisalicious, ilu. This fic is complete but I’ll be posting it in 8 chapters, roughly every other day, with the exception being chapter two won’t be up until Friday as I’m about to catch a flight to go see Oscar Isaac play Hamlet and I can hardly contain my excitement. I hope you enjoy! Feedback is love, if you are so inclined! Title from Fallout Boy.

They’re in a utility closet, tight and cramped, and they only get undressed enough to be able to fit hands and mouths to skin without clunky armor in the way. Their hands are down each others’ pants and it’s quick, graceless, but Finn’s teeth scrape over the pulse in Poe’s neck and Poe comes with a gasp against Finn’s ear.

They stay like that for a while, breathing steadying, and Poe wishes they had a little bit more time. There never seems to be enough time.

“Kylo found the girl.”

Poe looks at Finn in surprise. “I hadn’t heard that.”

Finn shrugs. “Just this morning, on Jakku. He’s keeping it quiet. No one’s seen her.”

“Not even you?”

“Not even me.”

“Well then,” Poe says with a grin. “Must really be a secret then.”

“You know you’re his favorite,” Finn says, nuzzling beneath Poe’s ear. “Best pilot in the fleet. Best ass. Best hair.”

“I’ll give you best pilot, but the best ass is yours and the best hair is his.”

Finn laughs, catching Poe’s earlobe between his teeth before he pulls back. “I have to go. Phasma will start to wonder. That’s never good for me.”

“Okay, buddy,” Poe says, and takes the opportunity to watch Finn get dressed again, mourning the loss when Finn covers up that great ass with his armor. “FN- whatever the hell your number is again.”

Finn rolls his eyes and gestures rudely at Poe. “Think I’ll be getting promoted soon, then I’ll just be Finn to everyone.”

“Mmm, and you can still take orders from me.”

“Yeah, whatever, _Commander,_ ” Finn says, and slips out past the door, helmet on his head again.

Poe straightens his own dark uniform and after a moment, he follows.

-

Poe moans into the pillow as Kylo thrusts into him. The bed is rocking and Kylo’s hands are clenched tightly around Poe’s hips, squeezing. Poe thinks, _don’t come, don’t come, don’t –_

He feels the shift when Kylo finds his own release, the stuttering of his hips, and then Kylo is pulling out, spilling over Poe’s ass, come dripping between his cheeks. _Now,_ Kylo says, in Poe’s head, and Poe whimpers, strokes himself twice and comes on the sheets.

He doesn’t always get to come. Sometimes Kylo makes him sit there, aching. He must be in a good mood. Maybe Poe pleased him, or maybe it’s just the girl.

Probably mostly the girl. Kylo’s been searching for her for months.

Kylo stands up, goes to the adjoining refresher (private, just for him, perk of being Kylo Ren) to clean himself up. He leaves Poe to fend for himself but that’s nothing new. He’ll want Poe to leave soon, anyway, now that he’s had him.

Poe isn’t quite ready to go. He stretches himself out on the bed, thinking to make himself appealing, a bit decorative, perhaps, so Kylo will let him lie here a while. 

When Kylo returns, he glances to Poe on the bed, jaw clenching, but he doesn’t tell Poe to leave.

Poe stretches his arms overhead. “You found the girl?” he says, nonchalant, like it doesn’t matter.

“Finn,” Kylo says.

“Well, if you weren’t gonna tell me, at least someone did. Where is she?”

“If you need to know, I’ll tell you.”

Poe rolls his eyes. “You’re seriously hiding her? What do you think I’m going to do to her?”

“She needs to be trained. I don’t want you spoiling her.”

Snorting, Poe says, “Fuck, glad you have such a high opinion of me. I’m not sure I even want to know exactly how you think I’d spoil her.”

“She is here,” Kylo says, voice firm, “to be trained. Nothing else.”

“Boring,” Poe tuts.

“She is certainly not here for your amusement.”

“No, but she seems to be here for yours.”

He’s pushed too far. He knows as soon as the words leave his mouth. 

It starts like a strange breathless sensation, as though he can’t quite catch his breath, and grows into a painful tightening around his throat. Poe’s hands move to his neck reflexively, pulling at the fingers that aren’t actually there, and then after a moment, it stops. Poe wheezes.

It isn’t the first time this has happened. He never gets used to it.

“Get out,” Kylo says.

Poe goes.

-

Days pass and they have left Jakku far behind. The girl remains a mystery. Kylo won’t talk about her. She is never seen.

Poe wonders if he’s keeping her locked up in a cell. He wonders if she eats. He wonders what Kylo is trying to do.

He knows why Kylo wanted her. He knows Kylo wants to teach her, wants to take her as his apprentice. But he doesn’t know how Kylo thinks all this secrecy and possibly even mistreatment will help.

But Poe has learned his lesson. He doesn’t ask about her again.

He is lying in Kylo’s bed with Finn, aching in places only Kylo ever makes him ache, new bruises on his wrists and probably places he hasn’t discovered yet. Finn has a particularly large one blooming on his hip.

Kylo has stood up, clearly intending on going to his refresher to wash. Poe says, “Finn’s shipping out tomorrow, you know. Don’t you want to make the most of his last night?”

Kylo purses his lips and stalks off.

Finn and Poe smirk a little to each other and then Poe slides over, wrapping himself around Finn. “Well, you’ve got me, anyway.”

“I can’t stay. You know I can’t.”

“Oh, come on. One night. You’re leaving.” He kisses Finn’s shoulder. “When Kylo kicks us out you can come back to my quarters.”

“Troopers talk enough without giving them encouragement. I have to sleep in the barracks with the rest of my squad.”

“It’s not like they won’t already know what you’ve been doing.”

“Poe,” Finn says, because they’ve been through this before.

Poe sighs. “Oh, fine.”

Finn puts so much stock in loyalty and being part of a team. It’s part of what gives Poe that weird fluttery feeling in his belly when he looks at him but he sometimes wishes Finn were a little more selfish. Because _Poe_ wants to be selfish. Poe wants to wake up with him, just once. He knows he never can with Kylo. But he thinks Finn would, if he weren’t so concerned with his squad.

Poe thinks that no matter what Finn does, he will always be apart. He has been chosen by Kylo Ren. He will never be the same as the other troopers.

But Poe never says that out loud.

-

Poe is in the corridor when Finn’s squadron is boarding their transport ship. This might have been on purpose but he will never admit to it. All the troopers look the same in their armor but Poe always knows which one is Finn.

“243B,” Finn says under his breath as they pass, his gloved hand brushing over Poe’s hip. “The girl. 243B.”

Poe’s eyes widen in surprise but he nods to show he has understood, and then Finn is gone down the hall.

243B. It’s near Kylo’s quarters.

It makes sense. He would want to keep her close.

He spends the rest of the day considering how to handle this, constantly thinking about it in the back of his mind as he performs his duties. Clearly speaking to Kylo again won’t accomplish anything except perhaps give Poe another sore throat. It might even make it harder for Poe to get to the girl, if he makes Kylo wary of him and his intentions. 

He could just go in, but he is sure he won’t have access. He is also sure that such a course of action would result in something far worse than a sore throat. 

He can’t just let it go. Worse than his curiosity is his concern that Kylo is doing something he shouldn’t, and that he may come to regret later. Well, Kylo doesn’t much do regret. But his actions might come back to bite him in his pale ass. 

Poe isn’t concerned, exactly. He doesn’t know this girl. But he is afraid of what Kylo might do, and he is afraid of how it will affect them all. 

He ends up not actually doing anything. Maybe it would be best to wait for Finn, to see what Finn thinks they should do. 

If all goes well, Finn will be gone another week. If it doesn’t…

But it’s no use thinking about it. Finn is the best fighter Poe has ever seen, except for Kylo, maybe. Poe thinks sometimes that if Kylo ever trained Finn, he would be unstoppable. 

It’s strange. Poe has no connection to the Force but Finn reminds him of Kylo, sometimes, in the way that it seems like he senses things that Poe can’t, feels things more deeply. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything, but maybe it does.

Kylo doesn’t train Finn. And now he has the girl.

Maybe that’s good. Kylo is already distracted and if he had Finn, too, two apprentices to hold his attention, Poe doesn’t know where that would leave him.

Nowhere, probably.

-

Though he has all but decided to leave things alone until Finn returns, Poe still goes out of his way to walk the corridors near 243B. He doesn’t know what he thinks he will find and he doesn’t know what he’ll say to Kylo if he’s caught – it’s damn near impossible to lie to Kylo – but he does it anyway. Poe had a flight instructor who always said Poe flew like he had a death wish but loved defying it. Maybe that’s what this is, too.

Poe never knows when to back down.

That’s why he hears it, the commotion, because he is loitering where he shouldn’t be. He can hear raised voices and a violent crashing and when he hurries down the hall he finds the door to 243B has been left ajar.

So Poe goes inside.

She’s small. That’s what Poe notices first. She is so small compared to Kylo, thin and delicate-looking, as though she has never had a properly sized meal in her whole life. 

The second thing he notices is that she is in no way actually delicate, or fragile, or soft. She is clearly holding her own against Kylo, fire and passion in her big hazel eyes. They are shouting at each other and the furniture in the room is all askew, as though they’ve been throwing it around. As Poe watches, a plate goes flying towards Kylo but he misdirects it so it shatters against the wall.

“Stop!” Poe says, moving farther in.

Kylo and the girl were both so preoccupied that they hadn’t noticed Poe’s presence until he spoke. Kylo’s furious gaze alights on Poe. “Get out! This has nothing to do with you.”

Poe stands between them. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but it clearly isn’t working. Stop this before you kill each other.”

_A death wish you love defying,_ Poe thinks as he stands there, waiting for what Kylo will do to him.

But instead of Kylo, it’s the girl who speaks first. “Killing him would be a service to the galaxy.”

Poe’s lips twitch. He likes this girl already. 

He holds his hand out in a calming gesture when it looks like Kylo is about to do something rash and then turns to face her. “I’m Poe. What’s your name?”

The girl’s eyes flicker to Kylo but then she looks at Poe again. “Rey.”

“Rey. Beautiful. It’s good to meet you, Rey. Are you hungry?”

“She’ll eat when I say she eats,” Kylo says from behind Poe. 

“She’ll eat,” Poe says, glancing back, “when she’s hungry. No need to torture the poor girl. You look like you could eat,” he says, addressing Rey, trying to inflect his tone with kindness. To be honest, she looks like she could eat for a month. 

She nods, though her expression remains wary. “I could.”

“Good. Come on, you can eat with me.” He steps closer, offering her his hand.

Rey hesitates.

Kylo says, “Poe.” His tone is sharp, warning.

Poe is pushing his luck, he knows.

He doesn’t stop. 

“She can eat with me. You can’t lock her away forever like a prisoner.”

_If you treat her like a prisoner,_ Poe thinks, because he knows Kylo is listening, _she will always be your enemy. She will never be on your side and she will certainly never trust you._

Kylo’s jaw is clenched tight but eventually he steps back. “Go if you want.”

Rey hesitates a moment longer and then she moves to Poe. She doesn’t take his hand but she stands by him and says, “Show me where to go.”

Poe glances once more to Kylo but then simply moves past him to the door. Rey follows.

He takes her through the corridors to his own quarters. They pass a handful of people on the way, who try to hide their obvious curiosity. Gossip is going to spread like crazy, Poe knows. 

His quarters are small but they’re his own, courtesy of his rank. Poe likes the fact that it’s something he has earned himself, not because of Kylo.

As Rey stands in the middle of the room, looking about her, Poe says, “I’ll just pop down to the mess to grab some food and you can stay here.” Then Poe stops for a moment, thinking. He doesn’t want to lock her in, that will be too much like how Kylo has been treating her, but he can’t have her just running out the second Poe is gone.

“Do you trust me?” he asks.

Rey doesn’t need to answer out loud.

“Okay, stupid question. Here’s what we’ll do. You aren’t a prisoner and I won’t treat you like one. I won’t lock the door. But please don’t leave, okay? Kylo doesn’t want you wandering the ship on your own. He isn’t fun when he’s angry and I’m not immune to that.”

“You…” Rey’s tone is cautious. “You are together? You and Kylo Ren?”

Poe can’t help his chuckle. “In a manner of speaking. There’s a stormtrooper, too, Finn. Finn and I… amuse Kylo. It’s not such a bad place to be, if you know what you’re doing.”

“He is disgusting,” Rey spits.

“Maybe you won’t always feel that way. But will you stay? Please? You’ll get me in trouble if you don’t.”

Instead of answering, Rey asks, “Why are you helping me?”

Poe looks at her and wonders if anyone has ever shown her kindness in her entire life. She was from Jakku, he remembers. A hard place to live. “I just wanted to,” he says.

Rey seems unsure of what to make of this and he can tell she thinks he wants something in return. “I’ll try not to get you in trouble,” she says finally.

“Thank you,” Poe tells her, and steps to the door. “I’ll be back soon.”

He gets two plates of food from the mess. No one interferes. One of the perks of everyone knowing he is favored by Kylo Ren is that no one ever stops him doing anything. They all assume Kylo has sent him to do it.

No one wants to face Kylo’s anger.

When he returns to his quarters, he catches Rey in the midst of snooping through his scant possessions. She has the presence of mind to appear guilty but she doesn’t try to hide what she has been doing.

“Nothing too interesting, I’m afraid,” Poe says, and sets the plates down on the small desk. “You can eat here, if you want, I’ll sit on my bed. Room’s private but it’s still not much.”

“It’s nice,” Rey says, perching onto his chair. She eyes the food with obvious longing.

“I brought it for you,” Poe urges gently.

Needing no further invitation, Rey seizes a plate with obvious gusto. She eats like she isn’t sure she ever will again and it makes that soft core in Poe’s heart, the part that is usually reserved for his feelings for Finn, ache.

Poe leaves her be for a while, eating his own food more slowly. She is a beautiful girl, Poe thinks. She’s got to be a decade younger than him at least, but there is a hardness in her young face that only comes from difficult living. She has smooth, light skin, large, pretty eyes that seem to shift color depending on the light, and a mouth he would really like to see smile. While she holds herself so carefully, so apart, there is a strange allure to her that makes Poe want to know her, to care for her.

Which is a bit ridiculous. From the show he had walked in on, Poe is fairly certain she could snap his neck if she wanted.

When Rey begins to slow, Poe carelessly drops his roll onto her plate like he doesn’t want it and says, “You were on Jakku? With your family?” Poe knows little about the planet beyond that it was the site of the Empire’s last battle, but he knows it isn’t the sort of place most would choose to live.

Rey doesn’t answer right away. There is something vulnerable in her face. “My family left me. But they were coming back.”

“How long ago was that?”

Rey stares down at her plate. 

Oh, stars. Poe wants to take care of her desperately, if only she would let him. “You know, just because your blood is different doesn’t mean someone can’t be your family. The First Order, they’re mine. Finn, you’ll meet him, and Kylo, too. I had parents once, I think, but I don’t remember them. So I made my family here. You can, too.”

“With Kylo Ren?” Rey sounds disgusted.

“He isn’t so bad, when you know him. He… feels very deeply.”

“He’s a monster.”

Maybe he is. He’s a murderer, certainly, but then, so is Poe, from the point of view of the First Order’s enemies. Everyone is a monster to someone.

“No one’s hands stay clean forever,” he says.

-

Kylo fucks him roughly and Poe knows he is angry. He holds Poe by the hair and yanks so forcefully that Poe’s vision blacks out for a second.

Poe doesn’t come.

“Stay here,” Kylo says, gritted between his teeth, when he pushes off from the bed. He stalks over to the refresher.

Poe puts his clothes back on. He sits up straight in the bed, back against the wall, and waits for Kylo.

Kylo is like a coiled spring when he returns, tightly wound rage just waiting for a tiny push. “I told you to stay out of it. I told you this doesn’t involve you, that you weren’t to interfere.”

As if Poe has ever known when to leave well enough alone. “You were holding her like a prisoner. I heard the commotion and thought we might end up with two dead bodies if I didn’t step in.”

“And if we had, it wouldn’t have been your place to stop it!”

“Kriffing hell,” Poe says, unable to stop himself. “Can you actually hear yourself?”

“Sometimes,” Kylo says, looming over Poe by the side of the bed, clearly wringing every last inch out of his height, “I wonder if you ever actually consider what _you’re_ doing.”

Poe half-expects to feel that invisible tightening grip around his throat. “You want her to follow you, don’t you? That’s why you let her leave with me?”

Kylo doesn’t say anything. 

“I think you know I’m right but you don’t want to admit it. I’ve only spent a couple of hours with her but I already know that your usual methods will never work. All you’ll accomplish is gaining her everlasting hatred.”

“She doesn’t need to like me.”

“No, but she needs to trust you enough to not stab you in the back. At the moment she’d be very happy to kill you the first chance she gets.”

“And you think you can help?”

Poe lets himself smile. “I am very charming.”

Kylo’s lips thin. “You certainly think you are.”

“What are you so afraid of? That she might actually like me? That she will prefer me to you? You’ll only make it worse if you go on like this. The more tightly you try to hold her the harder she will push against you.” 

“I need her to push. It’s how she will learn.”

Poe shrugs. “Fine, then. See how it works out for you.”

Kylo kneels over him on the bed. He leans in. He is still so much taller than Poe, even like this. “You forget your place.”

Poe’s heart beats faster, thumping in his chest, a little bit fear, a little bit desire. He wonders sometimes if there isn’t something a bit broken inside him.

“Remind me, then,” he says.

-

When Finn returns Poe shoves him into a closet the first chance he gets. “Missed you,” he breathes against Finn’s skin, reacquainting himself with how Finn feels, how he smells, how he tastes.

“I can tell,” Finn says with a low chuckle, sliding his hand down the back of Poe’s pants and squeezing.

They lean together when they’re finished and Poe presses his face into Finn’s neck, kisses him softly, licks the almost faded edge of a lingering bruise. “Her name is Rey,” he says.

Finn’s fingertips are dragging in patterns over Poe’s lower back. “You’ve seen her?”

“She’s beautiful,” Poe says. “She’s beautiful and fierce and strong and vulnerable.”

“Sounds like you’re half in love with her already.”

“You will be, too, when you meet her. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known.”

“I’m not enough for you anymore?” Finn teases. “Hope you haven’t let Kylo know about your little infatuation.”

“Kylo thinks I’ll ruin her.” Poe kisses up the underside of Finn’s jaw. “I think he’s making himself a new enemy.”

“That’s his problem, then.”

“It will be our problem.”

“Why do you care? He doesn’t care about you.”

Poe knows that’s true. He knows he isn’t anything to Kylo, not really. Just a pretty face and a warm body and a source of amusing distraction. When Kylo tires of him he won’t be anything.

But Poe doesn’t work like that. He can’t separate his head from his heart, his actions from his feelings. He doesn’t know how to do anything by half. 

“I just don’t think it will do to have two Force users fighting on this ship,” Poe says. He knows that Finn knows he’s hedging but Finn doesn’t press.

He says, “Best not to get caught in the middle of it.” He has moved one hand into Poe’s hair, stroking.

_Too late,_ Poe thinks.

He also thinks that once Finn meets Rey, Poe won’t be the only one caught in the middle.

-

When Kylo sends for them, Poe ends up mostly being an observer. He doesn’t exactly mind. It makes for a nice show.

After, Finn’s dressed, armor on, helmet in the crook of his elbow, when he says, “So when’s it my turn to see this girl?”

Kylo’s eyes slide to Poe. Poe tries to look unassuming. He isn’t certain it’s a look that has ever worked for him.

“I expect the insubordination from Poe,” Kylo says, “but you? I thought Captain Phasma trained you better.”

Finn shrugs. “She did. Then you started fucking me so I figured I’d earned a little insubordination.”

Kylo’s long fingers are pale against Finn’s dark cheek. “You might not like what happens when I decide you are more trouble than you’re worth, or when you no longer amuse me.”

“Is that day today?”

Kylo’s fingers move down Finn’s jaw to his throat. Finn doesn’t flinch, just maintains eye contact. “No.”

“Then like I said. Think I’ve earned some insubordination. When do I meet her?”

“As I told Poe, you’ll meet her when I feel you need to. I don’t feel that you do.”

“Then I’ll find her myself. Just like Poe.”

“And just like Poe, you’ll face the consequences.”

“Seems to me you’d be saving yourself a lot of trouble if you’d just arrange it. We can do it on your terms. Might go better for you that way.”

Poe can see from the bed the tense way that Kylo is holding himself. “FN-2187. You’re out of uniform.”

Finn smirks. “You haven’t called me that in a long time.” He puts his helmet on and raises his hand to the control panel by the door. “I’ll meet her, one way or another.” The door slides open and he walks out.

Kylo stands there gazing at the closed door for some time before he looks at Poe. His hands are curled into fists at his sides and Poe is half-surprised nothing has been broken yet in a fit of rage. “This is your fault.”

_Which part?_ Poe wonders. Finn, or the girl?

Or maybe, Poe thinks, Kylo blames Poe for himself. Kylo is very much, and has always been, enamored of control. Power. Finn and Poe are _his_ and he has made that clear from the start.

Poe knows that Kylo doesn’t care for them in the sense that ordinary people care for their lovers, or at least, in the sense that Poe imagines ordinary people care for their lovers. He has had little by way of experience in that sort of thing. Kylo doesn’t care for Finn and Poe like they care for each other.

But they push, and Kylo lets them do it. Kylo calls Finn by the name Poe offered him, not by his number. Sometimes… sometimes Poe thinks… sometimes Poe thinks that Kylo _likes_ it. He likes that Finn tests him, defies him, isn’t scared of him, but it makes him angry that he does.

Because it means he’s given up a little of his control. He has let them take it from him.

Poe likes letting Kylo tell him what to do. There is something freeing about submitting.

He wonders sometimes if Kylo thinks about that. If he thinks about, just once, letting someone like Finn hold him down and tell him what to do.

Maybe, Poe thinks, maybe that’s why Kylo is being like this about Rey. Holding her to himself.

Because Poe doesn’t think Rey would ever submit to anyone.

Kylo comes towards him, that tight, angry tension in every line of his body. Poe actively tries to stop thinking. When his thoughts grow too loud, Kylo can hear them. Poe doesn’t want Kylo to hear these particular thoughts.

He wishes he could see into Kylo’s head as easily as Kylo can see into his.

Kylo kneels on the bed. “Did you tell Finn where she is?”

_He told me._ “I didn’t have to. He already knows.”

“You know what I’ll have to do if he spites me like this, if he goes to her.”

Poe swallows. “He won’t do it right away. He’ll wait to see what you do.” _Won’t you, Finn?_

If he doesn’t, at least he won’t be able to get in. At least, Poe thinks he won’t. He won’t have access. That should be enough to stop him for a few days, anyway.

Kylo sits astride Poe’s hips and Poe wonders what he will do. He wonders if Kylo won’t use Poe as an outlet for his rage rather than property destruction. He isn’t fully dressed yet and Poe can see he is half-hard again.

Poe can’t help but think again that maybe he’s right. Maybe Kylo is attracted to the idea of Finn fighting him.

But now, Poe thinks, meeting his dark eyes, now Kylo is going to prove to Poe, and especially to himself, that he is still the one in control.

-

“Finn,” Poe says, dragging him aside for a moment as they pass in the corridor the next morning, when his fresh bruises have begun to ache, “please tell me you haven’t done anything stupid yet.”

“Not yet,” Finn says, and Poe wishes he could see his face. “You look tired.” He drags his gloved fingertips over Poe’s cheek.

Poe doesn’t want to admit why that is but he suspects Finn already knows. “Not yet?”

“Poe.”

“Finn, why did you tell me where she was? You wanted to do this from the start? You wanted me to find her, so then you could, too? In spite of Kylo?”

“It’s not right. What he’s doing.” Finn glances around as if checking they’re alone and then his helmet is off and on the floor. He puts one hand beneath Poe’s chin and lifts it, tilting it from side to side, like he’s checking for damage. “How bad?”

“Not bad. It’s fine.”

“He hurt you because of me.”

“Finn, it’s _fine._ ” Poe moves forward into Finn’s arms and it’s awkward and uncomfortable with his armor, but Poe leans into him anyway. “Please just don’t do anything stupid. Let Kylo cool off. Let him decide if he wants to let us see Rey.”

Finn’s grip is too tight but Poe doesn’t try to move. “I’d rather find him right now and--”

“You know that’s a terrible idea. You can’t. You’ll make it worse.”

“He hurt you because of me,” Finn says, a heavy emphasis on the last word. His lips find Poe’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Poe says, trying to sound soothing. “Just let it be, okay? Give it a few days. Give him a few days. Then we’ll figure out what to do. Promise me?”

Finn’s words are murmured into Poe’s skin. “Yeah. Yeah, Poe. I promise.”

-

In the end Finn keeps his promise and it isn’t him who gets found out, doing something he shouldn’t. It’s Poe. Perhaps they all should have anticipated that.

Kylo catches Poe outside 243B, loitering. He is wearing the mask, of course, but Poe can picture his expression anyway. “Are you even going to attempt to excuse yourself?”

Poe catches his lower lip between his teeth for a second. “Do I have a shot at you believing me?”

“No.”

“Then I guess not.” Poe hesitates. “I just… I thought…” He pulls a wrapped sweet out of his pocket, something he’d picked up the last time he was in the Core. “I brought this for her.”

“She isn’t a pet to be spoiled.”

“She isn’t a pet to be cruelly treated and trained, either. Unless you’d like her to bite your hand.”

Kylo’s hand is settled onto the grip of his lightsaber, black gloved fingers clenching around the hilt. If Kylo draws it Poe isn’t certain whether the target will be his head or the nearby walls. 

He doesn’t draw it. He says, “Come back with Finn. I will grant you temporary access to the room.”

“You will?”

“Careful. I might change my mind.”

“Yes. Okay. I’ll get Finn. And you’ll…”

Kylo begins to stride away. “I will get it out of your head later.”

It is as much a warning as Poe needs.

He finds Finn later, after he gets out of training, and says, “Looks like you’re going to get a bit of sanctioned insubordination.”

From within the helmet, Finn’s voice rings with confusion. “What? You mean the girl?”

“Kylo said we can see her. Come on.”

Finn seems too surprised to react. “He did? You mean, that worked? Me being an asshole?”

Poe laughs and grabs Finn’s arm. “Come on.”

The door to 243B opens at Poe’s touch. Inside, Rey has stood at the sound of their intrusion, her stance wary. Her eyes widen when she sees them.

Poe comes closer. “Hello, Rey. Do you remember me?”

“Of course I remember you,” she says, seeming vaguely annoyed. “You’re Poe. Kylo Ren’s pretty toy.”

Finn laughs.

Poe smiles. “I’ll take the part that’s a compliment and ignore the rest. I wanted to see you again but Kylo… Have you been okay?”

“I suppose.”

“No more pitched battles, so that’s a good sign, isn’t it?”

Rey’s lips twitch like she is considering smiling, at least. One of these days Poe will earn a real smile. He is sure she must be lovely when she smiles.

Poe gestures to Finn. “This is Finn, I told you about him, remember?”

Her gaze settles on him. “The other toy?”

“If we’re Kylo’s toys,” Finn says, “what does that make you?” He removes his helmet.

Rey looks him over, chewing on her lip. “The student he hopes to turn into a weapon,” she says softly.

That horrible, desperate protective urge is building inside Poe again. He looks at Finn, who is gazing at Rey like he has never encountered anyone quite like her before. 

“Everyone here is a weapon,” Finn says. “I’ve been trained to kill since I was a kid. It’s just… how things are here.”

“But you aren’t protecting anything,” Rey says. “I can fight, I always have, but I _had_ to. I was protecting what was mine. What are you protecting?”

“Peace in the galaxy,” Poe interjects before Finn can say anything. He knows Finn doesn’t believe in that like he does and that isn’t what Rey needs to hear right now. 

“And the villagers I watched Kylo Ren slaughter? I suppose that was in the name of peace in the galaxy as well?”

That is something Poe can’t defend, and he won’t. He knows who Kylo is and what he is capable of.

“He can teach you,” Poe says, “but he can’t turn you into what you’re not.”

Rey seems doubtful and Finn says, “You’re here because Kylo could feel how powerful you are. So maybe you let him teach you, and then you’re even more powerful, right? So I’m pretty sure that means no one gets to decide what you do except you.”

“And I think you know that already, judging by the redecorating you were doing when I met you,” Poe adds.

And there, finally, there it is. Rey smiles, and it is as bright and beautiful as Poe knew it would be. “You aren’t like him at all,” she says, gaze flickering from one to the other.

“I hope not,” Finn says, offended, and Rey’s smile grows.

It almost makes Poe forget that Kylo will take this all from his head later, that Kylo will know what they are saying to her, that they are encouraging her independence.

Poe hopes he gets to defy his death wish a bit longer.

Finn sits with Rey on her bed and gets her to tell him stories about her life on Jakku, coaxing her into opening up more easily than she ever did with Poe. She even laughs sometimes. Poe watches them and thinks, _Just try, Finn. Try and stay out of it now._

Before they go Poe remembers the sweet and pulls it out of his pocket. He presses it into Rey’s hand and she looks at him questioningly. “For you,” he says.

Finn is rolling his eyes like he thinks Poe is a pathetic sap but that’s fine. Rey is smiling again, small this time, startled, like she doesn’t know how to receive a gift, even something as insignificant as this.

“I can’t repay you,” she says, and Poe shakes his head.

“You aren’t supposed to. That’s why it’s a gift.” He nudges Finn with a hand to his back. “I hope we’ll see you soon.”

In the corridor Finn grips Poe’s elbow and says fiercely, “We can’t let him have her.”

_No,_ Poe thinks, _we can’t._ But he says, “You can’t think things like that. He’ll know.”

“So you think we should do nothing?”

“No, of course not. But I think… I think we have to let things be for a while. I think we have to play this Kylo’s way or we’ll make it worse, for her and for us.”

Finn is frowning. “Doesn’t seem like you’ve been doing that at all. You’ve been interfering, like you always do.”

Poe hesitates. He can’t deny it. “Let’s just talk to him. Don’t… don’t do anything stupid, Finn.”

“I’m not the one without a self-preservation instinct here,” Finn mutters, but he lets Poe lead him to Kylo’s quarters.

When they go in, Kylo is pacing, restless, and it isn’t difficult to guess why. He is still fully dressed aside from the mask, lightsaber at his hip. “Satisfied now?” he says sharply, directing it to Finn.

“Told you it would go better if you just let us see her. Your terms, right?” Finn says.

He’s angry. Poe can tell. Kylo probably can, too. Finn is angry about Rey and he is still angry about Kylo working through his emotions via Poe. Maybe the only reason he isn’t pushing is because he is worried that if he does, it will go badly for Poe. Again.

Kylo knows what works, and what doesn’t. He knows how to punish for maximum effect.

“That remains to be seen,” Kylo says, and he gestures for Poe.

It hurts less when Poe doesn’t resist. It is difficult not to struggle because it’s so foreign, someone in his head who _doesn’t belong,_ but Poe tries to be still, tries not to fight, tries to let Kylo in.

He lets Kylo see whatever he wants because it will be worse if he doesn’t.

When it’s over, Poe is sweating and his breathing is quick. Finn watches him with concern but doesn’t move to interfere.

“Well,” Kylo says. “It seems you would encourage insubordination in my apprentice as well.”

Finn moves to speak but Poe talks over him. “I told you. A prisoner will never be yours. You have to let her choose to be, because she wants it. You have to give her a reason.”

“What would you have me do?” Kylo’s tone is level but sharp; he is giving Poe an opportunity but only a small one.

Poe knows he needs to choose his words carefully. “Allow her to see more of this ship than the four walls of her room.”

“You would suggest I let her roam the ship freely so she can wreak havoc?”

“The less freedom you give her, the more likely she is to wreak havoc.”

“Let us go with her,” Finn says. “We can watch her.”

He sounds too eager, too desperate.

Kylo’s eyes narrow. “So you can encourage further disrespect?”

“You think letting someone make their own choices is disrespecting you but you--”

Poe touches Finn’s arm until he quiets, privately seething. “You’ve called her your apprentice. Let her be that. Let her be more than a frightened girl you’ve confined to a room.”

Kylo is, surprisingly, still not angry. He is actually listening. Poe can see him considering this, the play of emotions on his face.

“Any trouble,” he says, “I will hold you both personally responsible for.” 

Poe feels the faintest tightening to his throat, a warning. He can tell that Finn is feeling the same.

He nods. “No trouble. I promise.”

“Leave,” Kylo says.

So they do. In the corridor Finn says, “I’d like to play around in his head, see how he likes it.” His gloved fingers are brushing against Poe’s, where their arms swing side-by-side.

“Take the victory,” Poe says. _And don’t do anything stupid._

He doesn’t know why Kylo is allowing them time with Rey. He doesn’t want to do anything that will risk it, that will make Kylo reconsider.

He wonders what would happen if Finn ever truly let loose his rage against Kylo. He thinks he doesn’t want to find out.

-

They start by sharing meals together. 

Finn doesn’t get much more than the time it takes to clear his plate and Poe doesn’t have much longer than that, but they make do. The other members of Finn’s squad watch him and Poe knows that Finn realizes it, but he still stays. He is setting himself apart from his squad on purpose, for Rey, in a way that he always refused to do for Poe. Poe doesn’t quite know how that makes him feel.

Finn’s squad aren’t the only ones who stare, though the focus of the rest of the mess is clearly on Rey. She notices, of course.

“They think I’m like you,” she says, spooning the unidentifiable protein of the day into her mouth. “They think I’m another one of Kylo Ren’s toys. His pet.”

“You kind of are,” Finn says.

At the same time, Poe says, “Does that bother you?”

They both look at each other.

Rey is frowning. “I’m not his. He brought me here but he doesn’t… he doesn’t _control_ me.”

“He doesn’t control us, either,” Finn says, but the way he says it makes Poe think that even Finn isn’t certain that’s true.

“So you just let him have you?” Rey sounds skeptical.

‘Let’ is a poor word, Poe knows. Kylo takes what he wants.

But he has never truly forced them. Poe has never tried to refuse Kylo so he doesn’t know what would happen if he did. Poe doesn’t want to refuse him but it is true that in the beginning, he doubted he could. Maybe that’s enough.

“We’ve had a long time to grow used to our situation,” Poe says. “And it has its perks. We have more freedom than anyone else here.”

“And in return all you have to do is let Kylo Ren fuck you up the ass and choke you with his mind.”

Finn coughs, choking on his food, and Poe rubs his back. “It isn’t as bad as you make it sound,” he says while Finn recovers, then narrows his eyes. “How do you know about the choking?”

Rey colors faintly and Poe knows, he _knows._

“He’s done it to you?” There is a cold ball of anger forming in his belly. That Kylo would _dare –_

But Rey says, “He did it until I figured out how to do it to him.”

Then Finn is laughing, hoarsely, his expression delighted, and Rey smiles back at him.

_I love this girl,_ Poe thinks, and then he thinks, _fuck._


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe it’s good that Poe has a few days away, guard duty for General Hux’s shuttle. Maybe a few days will help clear Poe’s head, make him stop this ridiculousness, this silly infatuation he thinks is love, this descent into pining after a girl he hardly knows, a girl he definitely can never have. Kylo would kill him for this, and Poe doesn’t think that’s an exaggeration.

It doesn’t help, though.

It gets worse.

Kylo summons Poe to 243B. He finds Kylo already inside, along with Finn. Finn shrugs his shoulders at Poe’s questioning glance.

Rey is on the bed, legs folded beneath her, eyes closed. She sits motionless and Kylo watches her, just as unmoving. He isn’t wearing his mask and Poe thinks that he has never actually seen Kylo wear the mask in front of her. It’s unusual. Poe hasn’t had much exposure to the Knights of Ren beyond Kylo but he knows they are always masked in each others’ presence.

He doesn’t wear the mask for Rey. He wants her to see him as just a man.

Poe wonders if he has done that from the start, or if it happened somewhere along the line. He wonders if it was a conscious choice, or even if Rey initiated it. She doesn’t seem the sort to put up with pretense. 

Then Poe finds distraction from his musings by way of a display of Rey’s abilities. She raises her hand and Finn is floating six inches off the floor. He yelps in surprise, tensing like he is trying not to fall but the only one who can prevent that now is Rey. She has opened her eyes and her nose is wrinkled in concentration but there is a light in her eyes that Poe has never seen before.

She is enjoying herself.

She lifts Finn higher, a foot, two feet, until he is near to the ceiling, and now Finn is gazing at her in open-mouthed wonder, his arms outstretched like he still half-expects to go tumbling down. But Rey only says, “Wait,” and she spins him around in the air, once, twice, three times. Then she sets him gently down and she laughs, bright and quick, and Finn is laughing, too.

“Kriff! That was amazing!” he says. 

Kylo isn’t smiling, precisely, Poe isn’t sure he even knows how, but his expression is undeniably pleased.

Pleased and _proud._

“See how well she progresses,” he says, as if to make sure they know that his methods are working.

Privately Poe thinks it’s less to do with Kylo’s technique and more to do with Rey’s own innate skill and her desire to learn, to be in control of herself.

Rey’s expression is an odd mix of satisfied pride and disgruntlement, like she isn’t sure quite how to take Kylo’s reaction. She wants the credit for herself but she knows, too, that she had no awareness of her own abilities before Kylo revealed them to her.

“Well, I know I’m impressed,” Poe says, in an effort to placate them both. “I can only imagine what you’ll be able to do with further lessons.”

“My control gets better all the time,” Rey says, eyes darting briefly to Kylo, as if she isn’t sure she wants to admit that he has helped her.

“Perhaps we will begin combat training sooner than I had thought,” Kylo says.

“Combat training?” Finn interjects. “Like with lightsabers?”

“In time. When she has learned to construct her own.”

Rey looks fascinated. “Like yours, you mean? I can make my own?”

Kylo gives her a small nod.

It is the first time Poe has ever seen Rey appear genuinely interested in her position here, in what she may be able to do. 

With Kylo’s help. But maybe Kylo’s help seems less offensive than it did before when there is a promise of her own lightsaber. Kylo truly means for Rey to be his apprentice and Poe doesn’t think Rey understood that until now.

Kylo stays and he also lets them stay, he lets Finn and Poe stay with Rey. They talk. Kylo mostly listens. It isn’t the same as when it’s the three of them, Rey and Finn and Poe, but after a while it almost seems like Finn and Rey forget Kylo is there. They are so enamored of each other and they chatter back and forth and laugh.

Poe joins in sometimes but he is also thinking. This is new. Kylo means something with this, with this allowance, with the way he sits back but yet doesn’t leave them alone. The way he watches carefully but doesn’t interfere, as though he intends for his presence to be unobtrusive but still evident. 

Then it’s like a puzzle piecing into place. Poe remembers himself asking Kylo what he was afraid of, if he was afraid of Rey preferring Poe to Kylo. He thinks of Kylo’s reluctance to allow Rey to see anyone and then his change of heart the more Poe emphasized Rey’s unhappiness. He thinks of Kylo not wearing his mask in front of her. He pictures the pride on Kylo’s face.

Poe sees now.

Kylo wants Rey to care for him. Everything he’s done, everything he’s said, was a front. He is desperate for her affection. For her approval.

He is using Finn and Poe as tools to that end. They are Kylo’s bribes. He must think that they will help Rey warm to Kylo himself.

Poe has felt for a long time that Kylo’s cruelty comes from something else, from fear, from a fear of… of rejection, perhaps, a fear that no one could ever truly want him. He lashes out first so that he won’t be the one who gets hurt. He makes it easier for people to hate him because he is afraid they will.

He doesn’t know how to be kind to Rey. He is afraid it won’t matter even if he is.

So he is letting Finn and Poe do it for him.

Poe wonders how he can use that.

-

Poe decides he is going to get something out of this, that’s how he’s going to use it.

He doesn’t tell Finn what he has figured out. Poe knows it will only make Finn angry. They have reached what could be called a state of equilibrium and Poe doesn’t want to risk it; he still has no desire to find out what would happen if an enraged Finn stood up to Kylo. 

Instead he will play his own games. A little bit of manipulation has never hurt him.

Well, not much.

He waits a few days for an opportune moment. He waits until it is only him and Kylo, after Kylo has fucked him, after Kylo is in as easy a mood as he ever is.

Then he stands there in his dark uniform, making the most of his admittedly not great height, and says, “You’re going to let Rey visit my quarters tonight.”

Kylo narrows his eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“Because I know what you’re doing, Kylo. You think I’m stupid? You think I couldn’t see it? I know you’re trying to use Finn and me. You want us to change her opinion of you.”

“That’s foolish,” Kylo says, but his eyes widen almost imperceptibly. He had thought he was being subtle. He is surprised Poe noticed.

He always thinks he is being so clever.

Poe shrugs and purposefully misinterprets Kylo’s words. “Is it? You’re the one who’s doing it so you must think it will work.”

“I’ve already said. I don’t care what she thinks of me. She only needs to learn.”

“Yeah, see, you say that, but that’s shit.”

“Careful what you say.”

“Or what? You’ll hurt me? Shall I tell Rey? Shall I show her the bruises?”

“Perhaps I won’t leave any.”

“Perhaps I’ll let her read my mind. She learned that very well, didn’t she?”

Kylo’s throat is working like he is choking on all the words he wants to say but can’t quite manage to get out, like they’re all fighting to go first.

Nothing comes out. So Poe says, “If you think I can influence her enough to make her think favorably of you then you must know that I could make her hate you, too. Is that what you want? Shall I make her hate you, Kylo? She’s already so close.”

In truth, Rey hates Kylo already. She tolerates him for what he can give her, what he can teach her. She maintains a level of open curiosity about him but that’s the best Poe can say. When he tells her that Kylo isn’t as bad as he seems, Rey listens, but she doesn’t really believe.

Kylo hasn’t given her a reason to and Poe’s opinion isn’t enough. Rey believes what she sees, not what she is told.

Kylo’s desk chair flies across the room until it smashes against the wall. Poe can’t help his flinch. 

But he can’t let Kylo scare him.

“If you really didn’t care what she thought of you then you wouldn’t have paid attention to a word I’ve said. You would never have let me see her, let Finn see her. But you did. Because you know I’m right and that matters to you.” Poe moves closer to Kylo, tilting his head back to look up into Kylo’s face, heedless of Kylo’s quivering rage. “It’s up to you. Let me bring her to my quarters or I’ll… see just what I can help her believe.”

“Do you know how easily I could snap your neck?” 

As if to demonstrate, Poe can feel the fluttering ghost of fingers around his neck, not squeezing, just… there. 

Poe says, “I know.”

“Yet you persist in trying my patience.”

Kylo has no patience, Poe knows. He imagines that one day he will meet his end in this room, not a mark on him.

But hopefully not today.

“General Hux would be displeased. He doesn’t often dole out compliments but he does like to brag that I’m the best pilot in the galaxy.”

“General Hux is an imbecile,” Kylo grits out. 

“But I am the best pilot we’ve got.” _And I still amuse you, don’t I?_

“You say that as though you think it matters to me.”

“Maybe not. But I think Rey’s happiness does matter to you.”

Seconds tick by. The silence feels interminable. Finally Kylo says, “You play a dangerous game, Commander.”

“My favorite kind,” Poe says, risking a smirk.

Kylo strides away to pick up his datapad from his desk and fusses with it for a moment. Then he says, “You have access.”

Begrudging. Flat. Kylo is so angry with him.

“I’ll tell her you said hello,” Poe says when he leaves.

There isn’t any point in waiting so Poe simply walks to Rey’s door. The door opens for him, just as Kylo said it would.

Rey is sitting cross-legged on her bed, perhaps meditating, and she opens her eyes when Poe comes in. “Poe! What are you doing here?” She scrambles up.

“Feel like a change of scenery?”

“A change of scenery?”

“Yeah. Come visit me in my quarters. If you want?”

A tiny frown forms on Rey’s face. “Are you going to get in trouble?”

“No,” Poe says, sure his grin must be massive and ridiculous. He thinks he is allowed to be pleased with himself. “I’m not.”

“What have you done?” she asks, arms crossed over her chest, suspicious.

“Nothing. Just a bit of meddling, that’s all.”

“Is that going to go well for you?”

Poe can’t stop smiling. “It will if you come hang out with me. Please?”

Finally Rey smiles, too, just a little. “Hard to say no to that face.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Poe says, and makes a little flourishing gesture towards the door. “Shall we?”

They walk together through the corridors. There are fewer stares now that it has become less uncommon for Rey to be seen around the _Finalizer,_ and in particular to be seen with Poe or Finn.

Still some stares, though. People like their gossip everywhere and the First Order is no exception.

“Is Finn coming?” Rey asks when they reach Poe’s door.

“Not tonight,” Poe says. “Think you can survive with just me?”

“It will be a trial. You know Finn is my favorite; I only tolerate you.” She offers him a shy smile as if to make sure he knows she’s teasing.

Stars but she doesn’t belong in the First Order. She belongs somewhere her brightness will never be dimmed, where she can shine like the beautiful light she is. 

And Poe has officially crossed the line to pathetic, if he hadn’t already.

They sit on Poe’s bed and play pazaak. Rey has never played before but she is a quick study. Poe has never been much good at cards but he likes it for the entertainment value. He also likes the way Rey laughs, the way she looks carefree and happy, because Poe thinks she has had far too little of that in her life.

They talk. Poe tells her about flying, about how he never feels as good anywhere as he does when he is in a cockpit, and Rey tells him about Jakku. She tells him that she tried to teach herself how to fly using a flight simulator she scavenged and she tells him that once, just once, she got to fly a real ship.

They don’t talk about Kylo at all.

Eventually Poe realizes how late it is. Rey is blinking sleepily, eyes drifting closed, slumping in place. 

Poe has a terrible idea. He thinks it will be worth it.

“Hey,” he says, reaching out but stopping just short of touching her. “It’s late. There’s really no point in you leaving; you want to just stay the night? Promise I don’t snore.”

She blinks at him. “In your bed?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not big, as you can see, but we’ll fit pretty comfortably. Just… just sleeping, you know. I’m not, uh, I’m not…” Poe can feel himself flushing.

Rey chews on her lip. “Okay. If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t,” he promises.

He stands and turns away from Rey, stripping to his undershirt and underwear. When he looks at her again she has dropped her outer wrap to the floor and gotten under the blanket.

Poe slides in next to her. He lies down on his side facing her but doesn’t try to move closer. There is as much space between them as Poe can manage without falling off the bed. He shuts off the light. “Is this okay?”

She nods. “It’s okay.”

What the fuck is he doing?

When Rey closes her eyes and rolls onto her back, when the room falls silent, Poe thinks maybe she has gone to sleep. She had been tired, after all.

Except after a few minutes, Rey says, “Is this how you sleep with Finn?”

Poe wonders how she knows, he wonders how she can already see how it is with them. Is it that obvious? “No. I want to but… Finn won’t leave his squad.”

There doesn’t seem to be a point to hedge or to lie. Poe always wants to be honest with Rey.

“It isn’t personal. It isn’t because of you, because he doesn’t care for you.”

“How would you know?”

Rey turns over so she can see Poe’s face in the dimness. “Because I can see the way he looks at you.”

“I love him,” Poe confesses.

He has never said it out loud before, not even to Finn. It isn’t the sort of thing that should be broadcast. Not here. Not with Kylo. Love isn’t for people like Poe.

But he still feels it. 

“I thought so,” she says, and she sounds kind.

They don’t say anything more.

-

“The word is,” Finn says the following day, “that Rey went into your quarters last night and didn’t come out again until this morning.”

He looks more curious than upset.

And maybe a little concerned. Probably he is wondering whether Kylo knows.

Poe just curses the damn gossip-mongers on this ship. The stormtroopers are the worst of the bunch. “Kylo let me bring her.”

Finn’s eyebrows lift. “He let you?”

Shrugging, not wanting to explain why, Poe says, “He was in a good mood?”

Clearly Finn doesn’t buy it but he doesn’t press for more. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Poe. All this talk of _me_ not being stupid and look at you. Rey’s got you acting like a kid.”

“Well, I never got to be a kid who did stupid shit for girls. Maybe I’m making up for it.”

“Yeah, well, just try and remember who it is who’ll be doling out your punishment.”

Poe leans in, brushing his lips over Finn’s cheek and sliding his fingers up the back of his neck. “Don’t worry about me so much, baby.”

“If you weren’t so crazy I wouldn’t have to.”

“You like me crazy.”

“I really don’t,” Finn says but they both know that’s a lie. “She slept in your bed?”

His insinuation is obvious.

“It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like then?”

“Jealous?”

“Maybe I’m jealous of you,” Finn says, and Poe knows he’s joking but there is still a tiny part of him that quails at the jab. 

Maybe Finn is more into Rey than he is into Poe. Maybe he will toss Poe aside.

Poe knows that Finn cares for him. Loves him, maybe, even if they don’t say things like that. Too dangerous. He knows, though, he knows he means something to Finn.

But so does Rey, and maybe she will mean more. Maybe she already does.

“She knew about us,” Poe says.

“Of course she did. She’s not stupid and we haven’t exactly made a secret of it. Kylo--”

“No,” Poe says. “Not like that. I mean, she _knows._ She knows what we mean to each other.”

This is the closest he has ever come to saying it to Finn. _I love you. I love you. I love you._

He doesn’t know what he wants Finn to say. 

“Like I said,” Finn says, stroking his fingers over Poe’s cheek. “We haven’t made a secret of it.” He leans in and kisses Poe’s nose, his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth. “It’s all over your face.”

Poe closes his eyes. _And yours?_ he thinks. _Because I can see the way he looks at you,_ Rey had said.

But he just looks like Finn to Poe.

-

Of course Kylo knows. The whole kriffing ship knows so of course Kylo knows.

It was a stupid risk. Poe should never have taken it. He should have walked Rey back to her quarters and wished her goodnight.

Stupid. He is going to pay for it.

He thinks it was worth it.

“Show me,” Kylo growls. He grips Poe’s head in his large hands, strong fingers digging at Poe’s temples.

The lights are sparking and crackling above their heads. Poe cries out, tears running down his cheeks; it has never hurt like this before and he isn’t even resisting.

“I didn’t give you leave to take her into your bed,” Kylo says, only a notch below shouting.

Poe’s brain feels like it’s pulsing within his skull. “I didn’t even touch her.”

“She slept in your bed!”

“She’s lonely! She just wants to know that someone cares!”

There is no mirth in Kylo’s laugh. “And you are so happy to show her yourself.”

“I want her to be happy! I want her to know how it feels to--”

Poe stops himself before he says it, stops himself just in time.

Love isn’t for people like him.

And Kylo knows.

He knows.

Poe is suddenly very, very afraid, but not for himself.

-

He can’t find Finn. It takes him nearly a whole day to discover where he has been sent.

Reconditioning.

Poe finds an empty corner and presses himself into it. He thinks he might hyperventilate. He thinks he might vomit.

This is his fault.

_A death wish you love defying,_ Poe hears his instructor saying. 

But only when it was his own life in the balance.

Force, how could he have been so stupid? He had thought that Kylo’s emotions for Rey would protect Poe, would let him get away with this. He had thought -

No. He hadn’t really thought. He had felt and he had done and that was always his problem.

It is probably for the best that he gets called in to see General Hux, that he gets sent out on patrol. It gives him something to concentrate on rather than focusing on what is happening to Finn. 

(If he has to curl his nails into his palms to stop from hitting General Hux in his pale, pointy nose, because the reconditioning protocols are all his, well… that’s beside the point.)

He catches one solitary, wandering X-wing, far from home. The chase is exhilarating and the act of shooting the vessel so it explodes in a brief flash is oddly satisfying. One fewer enemy of the First Order.

If only the New Republic and the Resistance were all that Poe had to worry about. They are so easily dealt with, problems that can be solved with a well-aimed shot. Poe is so good when he is in a cockpit.

He makes far more mistakes with his feet on the ground.

Poe is not supposed to be anywhere near the stormtrooper reconditioning cells and yet, once he is back aboard the _Finalizer,_ after he has a brief stint in a sonic ‘fresher, that’s where Poe finds himself. He has to see Finn. He has to.

It may be that the Force is actually with him because the trooper that is walking ahead of him is most definitely Finn.

“Finn!”

The trooper stops and looks at Poe and Poe is struck with a terrible thought. What if he doesn’t remember?

“FN-2187?” Poe tries.

But Finn says, “Poe,” and takes his helmet off.

Poe runs to him and flings his arms around him. The armor clacks painfully against his chest but he doesn’t care; he doesn’t care. Someone could see them but the only thing Poe can think about is how much he needs to be holding Finn right now.

“I’m okay, Poe,” Finn says, letting Poe hold him as tightly as he needs to. “They… it didn’t work? I don’t know how to explain it but I could feel it, in my head, and I fought it and I… I just faked it. I let them think it was working. Somehow they believed me.”

“You fooled them?” Poe looks at Finn, stroking his hands over his face just to feel his skin. It should have been impossible. No one got around the reconditioning. That was the point.

“I guess. I mean, they seemed pleased, and they let me go. But nothing changed.”

“Do you ever think… Do you ever think maybe you’re like Kylo? And Rey?”

Finn snorts. “That’s ridiculous.”

It isn’t, Poe knows. He has thought Finn was special for a long time. But it doesn’t really matter right now. All that matters is that Finn is here with him.

He doesn’t want to talk anymore.

“Finn,” Poe says, clutching him and pressing their foreheads together. “Finn.”

“It’s okay,” Finn says. “It’s okay.”

“No,” Poe says, letting the rage settle into his bones. “It isn’t.”

-

Poe isn’t supposed to find his way to Kylo’s quarters unless Kylo has sent for him. He ends up there anyway.

Kylo seems unsurprised and he lets Poe in without ceremony.

There are good and bad ways to do this. Poe should think about it, should plan what he wants to say, how to approach this.

He is too furious.

“It came from you,” he says. “You had them put Finn back into reconditioning.”

Kylo shrugs. “You had another bedmate. Didn’t think you’d miss Finn for a few days.”

Poe is so angry he isn’t sure he can form words. Eventually he manages, “He’s still himself, no thanks to you.”

Kylo seems only mildly interested in that. “I suspected it might not take.”

“You suspected? But you didn’t know! You sent him there anyway! It could have destroyed him!”

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you played your games.”

It was pure spite. Poe’s excursion with Rey hurt Kylo so Kylo struck at what Poe loves most to hurt him. He didn’t care what happened to Finn in the process, as long as Poe was hurt by it. 

All Poe says is, “You utter bastard,” and he walks out without waiting for Kylo to dismiss him.

He heads straight for Rey’s quarters. He is half-surprised that Kylo hasn’t revoked his access but too mad to devote any thought to it.

She begins to say, “I heard about Finn--”

But Poe interrupts her. He thinks, _I can play your game, too, asshole._ “Kylo’s trying to manipulate you into liking him by using us, by using Finn and me. That’s the only reason he lets you spend time with us.”

“I know,” Rey says, and it’s maybe the last thing Poe ever expected her to say.

“You know?”

She shrugs. “Wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“I thought…” He is still so angry he _can’t_ think, and Rey’s response has flummoxed him. He had thought she would be angry, like Poe is, and it would hurt Kylo.

Like Kylo has hurt him. An endless cycle of hurt, going round and round.

“He uses you against each other,” Rey says, so soft, her eyes clear and concerned. “To keep you in line. He hurts one so the other will behave. It’s how he controls you. Of course I knew. Why wouldn’t he use whatever he has? Why wouldn’t he use you both to try to control me?”

“You don’t care?”

She laughs. “Don’t you get it? He can’t control me. He can’t change the way I think. This changes nothing because it’s just how he is, and I already knew that. Maybe he isn’t only the monster I first judged him for but he is still…” She shakes her head. “I don’t hate him. It’s hard to hate someone so small. But he will have to try harder than he has to earn more than my tolerance.”

Poe sits heavily on the bed. He rests his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands. He is so tired.

The bed dips as Rey sits beside him. Her small hand rests tentatively on Poe’s back. “Is Finn all right?”

“No thanks to me,” Poe says.

“It’s not your fault,” Rey says, even though she had asked, _Are you going to get in trouble? Is that going to go well for you?_

She could say, _told you so._ Instead she is only kind.

It is Poe’s fault. He had made bargains he hadn’t intended on keeping for his own benefit. He supposes he shouldn’t blame Kylo for wanting to strike back at him. Kylo was always the most dangerous when he was in pain. “I was the one who pushed. There are always consequences. I just thought… I thought I could outsmart him.”

_I didn’t think he would hurt Finn._

“Poe,” Rey says, not quite sharply, but a little insistent. “Poe, you know… Kylo Ren isn’t the only one around here who tries to trade for favors, who tries to… to bargain with lives.”

Poe stares at her, heart pumping in his chest. “Rey, I didn’t mean… I never meant…”

“I know. I know you mean well. I know you want to help. But you used me, too. You used me for what you wanted.”

Poe knows it’s true. He had known it even as he was doing it. He wants to think that he is better than Kylo but he isn’t. Maybe they’re the same. Maybe that’s why Poe defends him because if Kylo is a monster, maybe Poe is, too.

Kylo wants Rey to think better of him. Poe had gone into her quarters and hoped for the same thing of himself. Instead he has caused the opposite.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Rey shakes her head. “I’m not angry. I guess I should be. I don’t know, I… You gave me what I wanted, but you shouldn’t… I’m not a bargaining chip to be used like a dejarik piece, to get moved around on a board by you and Kylo Ren while you try to fight for control. You’re better than that, and so am I.”

“That’s never what I meant.”

“I know. You’re just… I’m beginning to understand how things work around here. I just think you should be better. I know you can be.” 

The sensation of shame that floods through Poe as he listens to Rey is as overwhelming as anything he has ever felt. He disappointed her. He never wants to do that again.

For a while there is silence and then Rey says, barely louder than a murmur, “Can I… Can we…”

She is leaning towards him. Her hand hovers behind Poe.

Poe turns into her and hugs her. She holds him like she has never wanted anything more in her life. She tucks her face into his neck and stays there.

“Your life could be more than this,” she says.

But this is the only life Poe has ever known.

-

There isn’t much to be done after that.

Poe’s rage fades into resentment, as it always does. Soon it is just a memory. This is how things are. Sometimes Poe fools himself into thinking -

But this is just Kylo.

He sees Finn rarely. They are both busy. He keeps away from Rey, thinking that perhaps that is for the best.

Then Kylo sends for him.

Maybe Poe should feel anxious. He doesn’t know what Kylo will do. Maybe he only wants to fuck, but maybe he still wants to punish Poe.

Mostly, though, mostly Poe doesn’t care. What does it matter? He will do what Kylo wants.

Poe is clean, his uniform neat. He stands in the middle of Kylo’s quarters and waits.

“I’ve sent for Finn,” Kylo says. “He should be here shortly.”

Poe doesn’t know what Kylo wants him to say. “Yeah?”

Kylo watches him and Poe can’t quite parse his expression. They are quiet until Finn arrives.

“Er,” Finn says, looking between them. He seems as much at a loss as Poe is.

He doesn’t know that it was Kylo’s word that put him into reconditioning. He doesn’t know that Kylo did it to spite Poe.

Poe strips. That’s usually what Kylo wants. “Should I get on the bed?”

“Ask Finn,” Kylo says.

“What?”

“He’ll be the one fucking you.”

Poe’s gaze slides to Finn just as Finn’s gaze locks on him. Then they both look at Kylo.

“You want me to fuck him?” Finn asks. That isn’t generally how this works. They fuck each other in private, not in Kylo’s quarters.

Kylo spins his desk chair around until it faces the bed. He sits, back straight, legs spread. “Do you need instructions?”

Finn flushes. “I can do it.”

It takes him longer to undress than it took Poe because of the stormtrooper armor but soon there is a pile of white plastoid on the floor. Last comes the black body glove.

Kylo is still just watching. Poe can’t remember ever feeling this unaroused when presented with Finn’s bare skin.

Poe doesn’t know what Kylo wants. Is this meant to be some sort of trap? Is he trying to ensnare them? Trick them into doing something he can punish them for? Is he hoping to foster a sense of awkwardness between Finn and Poe even in their most intimate acts? Is this an attempt to control their time together? Has he simply developed a voyeurism kink?

Poe doesn’t know.

The most frightening thing about Kylo is his complete unpredictability.

Finn closes the distance between them and rubs his hands over Poe’s skin. He murmurs into Poe’s ear. “We can take our time for once.”

So Poe tries to stop thinking. Maybe it doesn’t matter what Kylo wants; maybe it only matters what Poe wants.

Poe wants Finn. Always. Poe wants to be loved. He doesn’t think he is supposed to. Love is dangerous. Love gets you hurt. Love gives people a way to hurt you.

But maybe it’s just another part of that death wish.

When Poe kisses Finn, it is easier to forget they aren’t alone. His lips are soft and warm and the angles of his body fit just right against Poe.

They never get time to be, to explore, to enjoy. So Poe does, and he pretends that nothing else matters, and he pretends that this is how it can always be.

Rey had said, _Your life could be more than this._

Poe wants a life just like this.

When Finn and Poe are lying together, spent, while Kylo still sits and watches, obviously aroused but not touching himself, an insane thought flies through Poe’s head.

Maybe this was an apology.

Maybe it isn’t only Rey whose affection Kylo seeks.

-

Poe confesses to Finn what he did. He thinks he owes it to Finn, after… after everything.

“You play too many games,” Finn says, his mouth in a tight line. He is hurt and angry all at once.

“I know,” Poe says. That sense of shame he felt with Rey is welling up inside him again.

He is maybe most ashamed that he can’t promise he will stop.

“You know they’ll put off my promotion now. Can’t go around rewarding someone who’s just been sent to reconditioning.”

“I know. I’m… I’m sorry, Finn. I’m so sorry.”

“You shouldn’t try to be like him. You mess around like you can beat him at his own game but you’re just becoming more like him, using us for what you want. You… you want to hold all the strings, like it’s your own feeling of control. Kylo, Rey, me. Maybe you think you’re doing us all a favor but you’re still trying to push us around into the places you want.”

“Finn, I… That isn’t what I meant. That isn’t what I wanted.” But Poe can hardly say the words because he knew what he was doing. He did use Rey to manipulate Kylo and it ended up hurting Finn. It made Rey look at him with disappointment in her eyes. It doesn’t matter that he only meant for the best because he was still playing with their lives for his own gain.

He moves to touch Finn but Finn shrugs him off. Instead Poe stands there, chewing on his lip, feeling wretched. “I’m sorry.”

Poe thinks that must be the most useless phrase in all the galaxy.

“I just…” Finn sweeps his hand over the top of his head. “I need some time. Because I kind of want to hit you in the face but I think I’d regret it later.”

Poe wants to make a joke, maybe about Finn hitting him, maybe about hitting Kylo, but he can’t make the words come out. Instead he says, “Okay. That’s fair.”

There is an ache in Poe’s chest that he has never felt before. Finn has never been angry at him like this. Finn is normally only angry at Kylo.

“Does Rey know?” Finn asks.

“Yeah.”

“Did she hit you in the face?”

Poe shakes his head. “I guess she probably should have.” He thinks maybe her disappointment was worse than her anger would have been.

“I’m…” Finn looks at him and Poe thinks he understands now what Rey meant when she said that she could see the way Finn looked at him.

Because this is different. Finn isn’t looking at Poe like that anymore.

Finn puts his helmet back on. “I’ve got to go. I, uh, I guess I’ll see you when I see you.”

That ache grows as Poe watches Finn walk away.

He is glad when he gets sent on recon.


	3. Chapter 3

Poe is gone for a few days. He returns to find that Finn’s squad has been sent on a mission of their own.

Probably for the best. It’s easier to give Finn the space he wants if they aren’t actually in the same section of the galaxy.

Kylo acts like nothing has changed. Maybe nothing really has.

The next time Poe pushes, he will be more careful. He will think things through. He won’t bargain anyone but himself.

Part of him thinks that was likely the wrong lesson to learn but the rest of him doesn’t actually care.

Poe is surprised when one evening as he sits in Kylo’s bed, partially clothed, Kylo says, “You blame me for Finn.”

“You sent him to reconditioning,” Poe says immediately in response. He won’t pretend he isn’t still angry when he thinks about it. It doesn’t matter if he blames himself, too. Kylo was wrong to do it.

“If Finn fails to rise in the ranks as he believed he was going to, it won’t be due to my actions.”

Poe blinks at him. What?

“Doubts have been raised as to whether he truly has what it takes.”

“Finn is an exemplary stormtrooper,” Poe says, offended on Finn’s behalf. “He is smart, strong, resourceful, loyal.”

“He lacks devotion to the cause. He is too emotional.”

“Too emotional? Because he actually cares?”

“He is unable to make difficult choices. He supports the weak.”

“He supports his squad!”

Kylo lifts his shoulders in a small shrug. “An officer of the First Order must be able to do what needs to be done. Questions have arisen as to whether Finn is capable.”

“So, what, then? Hux will allow someone as gifted as Finn to rot in the ranks because he isn’t ruthless enough? Because he doesn’t leave people behind?”

“That will be up to General Hux.”

“You know he’s wasted where he is.”

Kylo inclines his head. “He is a strong fighter.”

“He has the Force,” Poe risks. 

If Kylo is surprised Poe has entertained such a thought, he doesn’t let on. “Perhaps.”

“Why did you take Rey as your apprentice and not Finn? Finn could _be_ something. He certainly could be more than a body for Hux to throw around.”

 _He could be more than me,_ Poe thinks. Kylo Ren and his two apprentices. They wouldn’t need Poe for anything. Maybe he shouldn’t have even mentioned it, shouldn’t have pushed. He doesn’t want to be left behind.

But he thinks he owes it to Finn to fight for him. Finn deserves more.

“My apprentice needs more than a slight sensitivity to the Force. Finn does not have what I am looking for.”

“And Rey does?”

Kylo doesn’t answer. 

Poe wishes he had the Force, just so he could see what is in Kylo’s head. Just once.

He thinks quite a lot would become clearer if he could.

-

Days later, Poe is undressing when he hears someone at his door. He quickly pulls his uniform back on, trying to straighten it into acceptability, just in case.

But it’s Finn.

Poe stares. “Finn?” He hadn’t even realized Finn’s squad had returned to the _Finalizer_ yet.

Finn pushes his way in, shedding his helmet immediately. He is clearly agitated and Poe can’t decide if he seems closer to a burst of rage or to tears. “I only have a few minutes but I… I needed to see you.”

“I thought… I thought you wanted time.”

“I do. I did. But Poe…” He is crowding in, pressing himself to Poe. “Oh, Force. I couldn’t do it.”

Poe isn’t anything except confused. “What? Couldn’t do what?”

“They… It was an uprising. We were supposed to stop it. But they were poor, Poe, they were just regular people trying to make lives for themselves, wanting something better, and I couldn’t…” Finn’s breath hitches and Poe holds him tighter.

“It’s okay,” he says, trying to sound soothing. “It’s okay.”

Kylo’s earlier words are ringing through Poe’s head. Had he known this would happen? Had this been a test?

“It’s not okay,” Finn says. “Poe, you didn’t see it. It was awful.”

“Disobedience and troublemakers must be stopped, of course,” Poe ventures cautiously. “For the good of the First Order, for--”

“It was murder!” Finn exclaims. “Don’t stand there and tell me it was right; you weren’t there. You didn’t see it. They made us murder those villagers because they dared to want something better for themselves. Can’t let it spread,” he says bitterly.

Poe bites his lip. He is sure there must be a good reason but he always finds it difficult to… He understands their purpose. He understands that they are trying to bring discipline and order into the chaos the New Republic has created.

But he doesn’t always like their methods.

“If you killed someone,” he says, “it’s all right. You were following orders.”

“You don’t get it! I _couldn’t_!”

 _Oh, Finn._ He is going to get himself sent to reconditioning until he can’t remember he is called Finn. They won’t stop until it works. “Does Phasma know?”

“I don’t care. I won’t let them turn me into a murderer.”

“It wouldn’t be murder, Finn, it’s--”

“If you were ordered to fire on a village would you do it? If they sent you out there and told you to kill everyone you saw just because they were fighting for something better, would you do it?”

Poe’s mouth feels dry and he has to swallow several times before he can make any words come out. “I hope I would do what was right.”

“What’s right,” Finn scoffs. “And you think the First Order is always right.”

“It’s better than the alternative! At least we’re trying; the New Republic is content to let half the galaxy rot while they fight in the Senate.” But this isn’t an argument they should be having; this isn’t what is important. “Finn, you know what they’ll do to you if you cause trouble, if you resist.”

“We could run,” Finn says, his eyes bright with a fervent light. “Leave with me.”

“Are you crazy? We can’t leave!”

“We could steal a ship; you could fly it.”

“And then what? They’d send half the docked fleet after us; we’d have the _Finalizer_ itself shooting at us!”

“You’re the best pilot in the galaxy, aren’t you?”

“Even the best pilot in the galaxy doesn’t stand much of a chance in a TIE fighter with a Star Destroyer shooting at him.” This is madness. What is Finn thinking? This is their home. Where would they go? “What about Kylo?”

“What about Kylo?” Finn snorts, as if the question doesn’t even deserve an answer. “When will you kriffing learn, Poe? Why do you care when he doesn’t give a damn about you? Frag, after everything. He had me sent to reconditioning because you did something stupid and inconsequential that he didn’t like. You owe him nothing.”

Another argument Poe will never win, especially because he can’t give Finn a real answer. “Then what about Rey?”

“She can come with us. She would. She hates it here.”

“Then we could be sure Kylo would come after us. You know he would never let her go.”

“Let him. I’ll kriffing kill him before I let him have any of us.”

“That isn’t really what you want.”

“He’d deserve it.”

 _That isn’t what I said,_ Poe thinks. “Please, Finn. This is insane; just… We can’t leave. You’re upset; I understand. But this is… this is my home. Our home. Leaving would be… It’s not something we can just do out of the blue.”

“So we’ll think about it. We’ll come up with a better plan.”

 _But I don’t want to._ “If I didn’t have you, I would…” Poe moves forward and holds out his hand hesitantly; Finn steps into his grip and lets Poe hold him, foreheads pressed together. “Are you still angry at me?”

“I missed you,” Finn says softly, his tone calmer than it has been since he stepped into Poe’s quarters. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you. Finn, don’t leave me. Please, not ever.”

“I would never leave here without you,” Finn promises. “I’ll… We can talk about it. Okay? Maybe just think about it. For me.”

“I’ll think about it. But maybe… maybe it will get better. It’s not so bad here, right?”

“Maybe,” Finn says, but his voice is filled with doubt. He kisses Poe’s forehead. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” Poe says, and thinks, _I love you,_ as Finn walks out the door.

-

Poe doesn’t want to leave. He thinks about it because Finn asked him to but he doesn’t want to leave. Mostly he worries for Finn. 

He thinks about talking to Rey about it. He has seen her only sporadically since his error of judgment. He can’t talk to her, though, because before he can she is no longer on the _Finalizer,_ and neither is Kylo _._

Kylo takes Rey away with him. A search for kyber crystals, that’s all Poe knows. For her lightsaber.

Kylo has rarely left the _Finalizer_ in the past few months, choosing instead to stay where he can teach Rey. It always feels different when Kylo is away, like everyone on board can finally release a breath. It is freeing for Finn and Poe even more so, the knowledge that they won’t be sent for, that there won’t be any new bruises, no fits of temper to withstand.

But part of Poe misses Kylo a little anyway. He never says that to Finn.

He misses Rey, too. He is sorry that they have spent so little time together recently.

Finn sucks him off in a supply closet, on his knees on the spotless tile, Poe’s hands on his head. Before Poe can even catch his breath Finn has spun him around and fucks him against the shelves, gasping into the back of Poe’s neck when he comes.

Poe feels faintly wobbly and he thinks he is only still standing because of Finn’s weight behind him. “Stars,” he says, holding onto the edge of a shelf.

Laughing softly, Finn pets Poe’s hair. “What d’you think they’re doing?”

“Mucking around in caves, probably,” Poe says. He doesn’t need to ask who Finn means. Rey and Kylo are always on his mind, too.

“Maybe Rey will kill him while they’re alone together,” Finn says, and Poe turns around to face him, pants still hanging down around his knees.

“If she did, she would never come back,” he says.

“I guess not,” Finn agrees. He strokes Poe’s cheek. “I’d miss her.”

“Me, too.” Poe hesitates. “I’d miss Kylo, too.”

“You’d be the only one in the whole galaxy.”

 _I don’t think that’s true,_ Poe thinks. But he says, “He’s got a mother out there, somewhere. A father.”

Finn shrugs. “If he does, I can’t imagine they can be very proud of him. Maybe they’d like it better if he were dead.”

Poe pulls up his pants and fastens them so he doesn’t have to look at Finn. He doesn’t know why that bothers him. Kylo has done terrible things. Maybe he does deserve to die. Maybe the galaxy would be better off.

But Poe would miss him all the same. _After everything,_ he can hear Finn say, shaking his head.

“You dumb sap,” Finn says, like he knows everything Poe is thinking anyway. Poe likes to think there’s fondness in his tone.

Finn leans forward and kisses Poe’s forehead. “Oh, Poe,” he says, so softly. 

Poe wishes he knew what Finn was thinking. He presses into him, looping his arms around Finn’s back, and just breathes in.

-

Finn is sent off the _Finalizer_ first, with Captain Phasma and several squads of stormtroopers. Poe thinks, _please just do what they ask of you, Finn, please._

He is so afraid of what will happen if Finn makes a habit of not firing his weapon.

He has little time to focus on his worry, however, because he leaves soon after. He wishes he would be sent as support for Finn’s mission, as if that might help him keep an eye on Finn, but he isn’t. 

The _Finalizer_ remains in orbit around the planet where Finn has been sent while Poe and the squadrons he commands zip off to a rendezvous point a few jumps away. Another escort mission, this time guarding a New Republic senator who has proven useful to them. Poe is tired of this dull work; it’s a waste of his skills.

There is a part of him that wonders if Kylo doesn’t keep him close, keep him safe, on purpose. He doesn’t quite know what he would think of that, if it turns out to be true.

He returns a day or so after Finn does. Finn seems shaken when they see each other and he clings to Poe without wanting anything but the reassurance of touch. Poe wants to ask about what happened but he knows that if Finn wanted to tell him, he would. So he just holds him and thanks whatever power is listening that Finn is safe.

Two weeks later they arrive at a jungle planet, where they meet Kylo’s shuttle. Poe isn’t able to be near when they board but he sees them later, in the corridor, walking side-by-side.

Poe almost does a double-take. 

Rey is no longer dressed in her sandy-colored desert clothing, her long wrap and her short pants. She isn’t dressed like she belongs in the First Order, either.

She looks like Kylo.

She is dressed all in black, fitted pants and high boots, a wrapped tunic with a wide belt, a cloak. Her arms are wrapped as before from wrist to shoulder, but the material is black and she wears gauntlets.

A lightsaber hangs from her belt.

Rey is truly Kylo’s apprentice.

Poe thinks she has never looked better.

He isn’t sure if it’s the clothes or the confidence that radiates off of her. Probably both. Her trip with Kylo was more successful than anyone could have guessed, it seems.

Her smile, though, her smile when she sees him is just the same.

“You didn’t kill each other,” Poe says stupidly as they approach, then winces. Kriff. “Finn thought-- you know what, never mind. Forget I said anything.”

“You’re more appealing when you’re quiet,” Kylo says, as close to teasing as he ever gets.

“I know,” Poe says. He nods at Rey’s lightsaber. “You found what you were looking for, then?”

“Found a lot of things,” Rey says. “Can we tell you about it?” She looks to Kylo.

She wants Kylo to be there, Poe realizes. _Can we tell you about it?_

They found a lot of things, all right, Poe thinks. Rey seems to have discovered an increased tolerance of Kylo beyond anything Poe could ever have imagined when she sat in his quarters and called Kylo a monster.

“You know you can tell me anything,” Poe says, and winces, glancing to Kylo.

But Kylo’s mask is impervious. “I will call for you,” he says. “And Finn?”

Poe nods. “He’s here.”

“Good,” Kylo says, and he and Rey walk past Poe down the corridor. Rey smiles at him again over her shoulder, and Poe watches the swing of her hips, the lightsaber on her belt.

-

“Then there were the Kyaddak,” Rey says, cross-legged on Kylo’s bed with Finn before her, leaning in, expression animated. Kylo is slouching in his chair, offering only the occasional interjected comment, while Poe leans against the desk, arms folded over his chest.

“Kyaddak?” Finn asks, testing the word on his tongue.

Rey nods with vehemence. “Creatures of the Dark Side, like… like giant bugs.” She forms her hands into pincers. “Legs like saw blades, and they leap at you, and try to snatch you up, drag you away, or hold you down to rip out your throat.” Here she grabs at Finn, who yelps, and Rey laughs.

“We killed them,” Kylo says.

Rey pouts at him. “Now you’ve ruined the story.”

“You were losing the plot.”

“I was making it interesting.”

“What were they there for?” Poe asks. “The Kyaddak?”

“Guarding the kyber crystals,” Rey says. “They did not want anyone to have them.” Rey pats her lightsaber protectively. “Their feet made this _tak-tak-tak_ sound, it was really quite creepy.” For a moment her bubbly confidence slides away. “Heard it in my dreams.”

Finn nudges forward until their knees touch. Rey smiles at him.

“And then you got the crystal?” Poe prompts.

Shaking her head, Rey says, “Not on that planet. Cave collapsed on us.”

“It collapsed on you?” Finn exclaims. “Then how did you get out?”

Rey glances at Kylo. “Turns out we can accomplish quite a lot when we’re focused on the same goal.”

Both Poe and Finn look to Kylo, but his expression doesn’t change. Hell of a thing, Poe thinks, Rey and Kylo working together. He never would have imagined it was possible.

“The crystals in that cave were lost to us,” Rey continues. “We found mine on the next planet.”

“And made your lightsaber,” Finn says.

Rey unhooks it from her belt and stands, pressing a button to ignite one red blade, and then another to match. The light seems to glow on her face. “Used to defend myself with a staff,” she says, spinning it. “This seemed familiar.”

“It looks better than Kylo’s,” Finn says, and Rey laughs.

“It’s more stable.” She grins. “Like its master.”

“That’s enough for tonight,” Kylo says, standing and waving them out. “To your quarters.”

They leave, walking together until first they reach Rey’s door, and then the corridor where Finn and Poe part ways. Poe thinks that he isn’t the only one who will spend the night processing what he has just witnessed.

Rey and Kylo. Hell of a thing.

-

In the coming days it is clear that Rey feels differently towards Kylo after their excursion together. Poe is hesitant to call it respect, but she now seems to believe that he truly does have worth as a teacher, as a partner, as a fighter. She has witnessed it firsthand, relied on him, and that is how Rey truly judges – what she sees herself.

Poe wonders whether she will stay. He wonders if she will let Kylo be her true master and if she will become part of the First Order as they are.

He doesn’t know what Leader Snoke thinks of this, what he thinks of Rey. He assumes Kylo discusses it with him but as yet there doesn’t seem to have been any interference. He wonders if Snoke wants to see how it plays out as much as the rest of them. Kylo’s newest and most pressing distraction.

Rey could be a true asset to them if she chooses to remain.

Poe wants her to, but for far more selfish reasons.

-

Poe returns from a skirmish with that unsanctioned offshoot of the New Republic, the troublemakers calling themselves the Resistance, and looks for Finn. Finn likes him like this, heart still pumping from the fight, wired, breathing adrenaline and danger and excitement, sweaty and in his flight suit. 

But Finn is on duty and can’t be pulled away, and Kylo sends for Poe instead.

Rey is sitting in the corner of Kylo’s quarters, hands resting in her lap.

“Will she be… joining us?” Poe asks, eyes darting from Rey to Kylo, confused and curious. There is a part of him that is shamefully hopeful but he squashes it down. He doesn’t think Rey would be inclined to want any part of this.

As if to prove Poe correct, Rey scoffs at his words.

“You aren’t here for her,” Kylo says, dragging Poe’s head back by his hair and licking up the line of his throat before biting down.

Poe gasps and wonders what this is, what Kylo’s doing, what he thinks this will –

And then he doesn’t do much wondering at all, or much thinking of any kind. But he notices that Rey watches them, a high flush in her cheeks, and the disgust she used to reserve for Kylo is almost entirely replaced by what seems more like open curiosity, and maybe a little bit of yearning, too.

Poe doesn’t know exactly what she is yearning for but he thinks he would like to find out.

-

Kylo lets them watch him train Rey in combat.

Poe and Finn sit in one of the rooms they use for the stormtroopers, watching Rey and Kylo clash blades and push each other back, watching them spin and twirl and leap, watching them gain and lose and regain advantage over each other.

It’s fascinating. It’s enthralling.

It’s really kriffing hot.

Poe wants Kylo to shove him up against the wall and have him right here; he wants to drop to his knees and suck him off with Kylo’s hands in his hair. He wants Rey to push him on his back and climb on top of him; he wants her to sink onto his cock and ride him until she shouts.

He wants to be in a bed with all of them, Finn and Kylo and Rey, and he wants – fuck, he _wants._ He can feel the heat in his cheeks and he can feel that warmth suffuse through his whole body; he’s getting hard in his pants and he shifts in uncomfortable embarrassment, biting down on his tongue in the hopes he can quell it before anyone notices.

Kylo loses a step for an instant and Rey gets her lightsaber to his throat. She grins at Poe, exalted, and there’s something in her face -

Oh, _shit._

 _Way to have sex fantasies about people who can fucking read your mind, Poe,_ he thinks. He must have been loud, loud enough to distract Kylo, loud enough to bleed through when they were both concentrating on everything but Poe.

“Thanks for the assist,” Rey says to him, red blades of her lightsaber vanishing. She’s flushed, a few strands of her hair twisting loose, and Poe is trying his hardest not to think about kissing her.

“Uh.” Poe swallows. “No problem.”

Finn is frowning. “What?”

Kylo is moving to him now, stopping before Poe’s knees. “Commander Dameron has an extremely vivid imagination. Very… inappropriate.”

Poe swallows again.

“Perhaps you should sleep it off.”

“Yes,” Poe says, standing up too quickly. He is shoved up against Kylo’s chest, too close. “I’ll go. Thanks, uh, thanks for letting me watch.”

_Kriff._

Poe flees out the door and fantasizes about falling into a dark hole where he can be alone with his stupidity.

Also his lust.

-

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Poe and Kylo alone in Kylo’s quarters, but Finn gets kept back on a task for Phasma and Kylo chooses not to exert his influence. 

So it is only Poe undressing under Kylo’s watchful gaze. He is thinking about Rey and Kylo’s combat training session from the other day again, that combination of tight control and wild release, the graceful energy in their movements. He is half-hard again just thinking about it but he doesn’t bother trying to hide it this time; there isn’t really a point.

“Making up for there only being one of you?” Kylo says, his eyebrow raised.

Poe laughs; he thinks that was actually a joke. “Aren’t I enough for you, Kylo?” he says, batting his eyelashes exaggeratedly as he presses against Kylo.

Kylo rolls his eyes but he tips his head down to meet Poe’s mouth, lips parting as he accepts the kiss. He is in a more pleasant mood than usual, clearly; kissing isn’t always on the table.

It is tonight, though, apparently, and Poe sighs into it. He rubs his erection against Kylo’s thigh, feeling the friction provided by Kylo’s robes, and sucks on Kylo’s tongue. Undressing him is always an ordeal but Poe gets his outer layers off, enough so that Poe can kiss down his jawline to his neck and still touch skin, as Kylo’s hands smooth down Poe’s spine and squeeze around his waist.

He doesn’t know what makes him do it. Bravery, curiosity, rashness, stupidity, lust. _A death wish you love defying._

Poe reaches up and winds his fingers into Kylo’s long, soft, amazing hair, and he pulls.

Kylo’s eyes go wide but he lets Poe do it, maybe only because he can’t even think yet of how to respond.

Poe tangles his fingers into the silky strands of Kylo’s hair, pulling him this way and then that. Kylo hisses but he still does nothing. Poe moves forward, nudging Kylo back until his legs hit the bed and he sits.

Still Kylo lets him. Emboldened, Poe climbs onto his knees, straddling Kylo’s hips, and he pushes Kylo down onto his back. Kylo is watching him, breathing shallowly, and Poe slides his hands up along Kylo’s arms, pinning them over his head and holding his wrists.

Pressing forward, Poe drags his teeth over the hollow of Kylo’s throat. Kylo’s erection is hard against Poe’s thigh and Poe can hardly believe Kylo has let this progress this far.

“What would you do if I asked you?” Poe murmurs into Kylo’s skin. “Would you fuck me, if I told you I wanted it? Would you blow me? If I told you to lie here and let me have what I wanted, would you?”

Kylo is tensing and Poe can feel it, can feel the taut line of his body. His hands shake in Poe’s grip like he wants to resist.

“Not me, then? Finn.” Poe waits a second and then dares. “Even better, Rey. I think you’d like that. I think it’s what you’ve wanted all along. I think you want her to hold you down and tell you--”

In one impossibly smooth movement, Poe is on his back with Kylo looming over him.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kylo says, his cheeks an angry red.

“Don’t I? So you don’t lie in your bed thinking about Rey taking what she wants from you? I think if she made you bleed you’d thank her for it.”

Kylo shoves Poe onto his front and pushes his head down into the mattress. Kylo’s other hand wraps around the back of Poe’s neck and Poe realizes he has made a very unfortunate miscalculation.

He pushed Kylo farther than Kylo was willing to be pushed.

_A death wish you love defying._

The sad part is that the curl of want in Poe’s gut, that visceral feeling of desire, still hasn’t completely dissipated, even with his face shoved into the bed and Kylo’s fingers bruising his neck. It doesn’t help that he can still feel Kylo’s arousal; even if Kylo wants to pretend like he wasn’t turned on by Poe’s words and Poe’s actions, he can’t hide his body’s physical reaction.

“What should I do?” Kylo wonders aloud, his tone carefully controlled like he is putting all his effort into maintaining a calm he doesn’t feel. “You continue to overstep. How should I remind you of your place?”

He shifts, his hands moving away. He trails his fingertips over the swell of Poe’s ass.

It will hurt, Poe knows. Part of him still wants it. 

He isn’t sorry at all for what he’s done. 

The first blow hurts so much that Poe bites his tongue hard enough for the taste of blood to fill his mouth.

Then Kylo does it again.

-

Poe has never realized just how tight and cramped and uncomfortable the cockpit of a TIE fighter is until now. He aches everywhere. He aches in places he didn’t even know he could ache. The flight suit seems to rub in all the wrong spots. His time in the ship seems interminable.

It is bitterness, Poe is certain, that leads him to Rey’s quarters when he is back onboard the _Finalizer_ and has a moment to himself. 

He threatened Kylo once that he would show Rey the bruises.

So now he will.

Poe doesn’t know what Rey sees when he enters but her concern is immediate and evident. “Poe,” she says, hands skimming lightly over him. “What’s happened?”

“What d’you think?”

She purses her lips. “This happened here? Not on your mission?”

“Mission was unremarkable,” Poe confirms. He winces when Rey brushes too close.

“Show me,” Rey commands, and when Poe starts to lift his shirt up, revealing the first bit of bruising, her gaze hardens. 

She helps him undress until his torso is bare and her touch is so, so gentle as she inspects the damage. “And the rest?” she says, fingers disappearing beneath the waistband of Poe’s pants.

“This isn’t how I imagined getting undressed with you,” Poe teases before he can stop himself but Rey only rolls her eyes. He pulls his pants down and then feels a bit silly with the material bunched around his knees so he just yanks his boots off and gets rid of the pants entirely. He is too used to First Order dormitories and barracks to feel self-conscious but it still feels odd to stand there before Rey in his underwear.

Rey’s focus is only on the evidence of what Kylo did, however. Her expression becomes even grimmer as she crouches down, fingertips dancing over the backs of Poe’s thighs. “He did this to you?”

Poe shivers a little at her touch, which while clearly assessing still feels a bit less than clinical. “I made him angry.”

“That is no excuse,” Rey says, leaning in. Her forehead brushes against Poe’s skin and he suddenly wants things he thinks he shouldn’t want. Especially not now.

But her hands are on his waist, his hips, his skin; her breath ghosts warmly over his legs. With her face where it is, with the way she kneels by him, it is difficult not to imagine all the ways Poe has wished she might do this, one day. 

She has only ever even so much as touched him once before. He hardly knows how to deal with all this unexpected contact.

When Poe turns a little so he can see her better, trying to breathe calmly and think of the reason he came here, he notices that Rey’s cheeks are more flushed than usual, and perhaps not only in anger. He thinks she realizes how this looks, too, though he can’t know if the direction of her thoughts at all mirrors what is in his own head.

Likely not.

She looks up at him. “Can you stay here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you need to go back to your quarters?”

“I… No, I guess not.”

Rey rises to her feet and she is still touching him, with such care. “Then stay here.”

Poe remembers what happened the last time they did something like this and he knows Rey does, too. “Afraid I’m not in the best position to deal with Kylo’s jealousy at the moment.”

“I’ll take care of Kylo,” Rey says fiercely and Poe has absolutely no doubt that she will. “Stay here with me where I can look after you.” She moves forward with him carefully so that Poe can do nothing but go with her until he is standing by the bed.

He sits. “My, uh, my clothes?”

“Never mind that,” Rey says. She urges him back until Poe is situated more comfortably.

It is impossible to sit without something hurting but the bed is soft enough that the aches sink to the back of Poe’s mind rather than the forefront. Even more so when Rey settles with him, softly inquiring as to whether she’s hurting him. 

“No,” Poe says as she curls into him, her fingers still lightly smoothing over his skin. “No, this is… good.”

He is such a dick. He shouldn’t be in Rey’s bed, next to naked. She is so much younger than him and he doesn’t know if she has ever even... His kindness towards her hasn’t been entirely altruistic.

He can’t help but want things.

But none of that is what Rey wants. She is lonely. She was half-feral when she came onboard, like a scared animal thrown into a new environment with nothing to hold onto. It has been a slow process, watching her learn that it’s okay to reach out, that people can care.

Poe doesn’t want to ruin that with his own desires.

It’s unfortunate, then, that he still has them.

Even this, Poe thinks, is manipulation. He came here wanting to anger Kylo, wanting to stoke Rey’s anger at Kylo, but there is a part of him that knows he came here for Rey’s pity, too. He came here to be cared for. He wants Rey to care for him; he wants her to stroke his skin and kiss his temple and tell him it will be okay.

He wants Rey to love him.

“Do you need anything?” Rey asks him, her lovely face so concerned and eager to help, even if she isn’t quite sure how.

“I feel better being here,” Poe says, and it isn’t even a lie.

Rey’s smile is small and pleased but after a moment she shifts back into troubled.“Does Finn know?”

Poe looks away. “No, and he isn’t going to.”

“You can’t keep this from him.” Rey’s disapproval is obvious even without Poe having to look at her.

“I can, and so will you.”

“He deserves to know!”

Now he looks, makes eye contact, because Rey has to _see_. “It will make things worse! Can you imagine what would happen if they fought each other? It scares me, Rey, thinking of what Finn would do. Of what Kylo would do in return. I won’t have that. Especially not because of me.”

He can tell that Rey is still doubtful but she lets it go. “How are you going to keep him from finding out? You’re a mess, Poe.”

“I’ll just avoid him.”

“And that won’t make him suspicious at all.”

“He’s busy,” Poe hedges. “I’m busy.”

“You’re dysfunctional,” Rey says, but her hands are still on Poe’s skin, rubbing gentle, aimless patterns, and she rests her head against him. 

They are all dysfunctional, Poe thinks, but somehow, they keep going.

-

If Poe wondered whether Rey would make good on her promise to take care of Kylo, he doesn’t have to for very long. Kylo stops him in the corridor, robed and masked, his gloved fingers tangling in Poe’s hair and pulling.

“Still recruiting allies to your side, I see,” he says. “What did it take? A toss of your head, flaunting your curls? A dip of your chin, lowered eyelids, to show how sad and hurt and lost you were?”

“Just your fingerprints on my hips,” Poe hisses between his teeth, snagging Kylo’s wrist. “I told you I would show her.”

Kylo wraps his hand around Poe’s waist and Poe bites his tongue on a whimper. “You still think you can push everyone to do what you want them to, and yet pretend to be so charming, so innocent, just kind Poe Dameron, who _cares._ ”

“I never pretended to be--”

“You do nothing but pretend! With me, with her, and with your precious Finn. You pretend you’re not the same as me, but we both know better.” Kylo jerks his wrist out of Poe’s grip and drags his other hand away from Poe’s waist with a lingering, painful twist before striding back down the corridor.

“You’re wrong,” Poe says to the empty air. “I never pretended to be good.”

He knows exactly what sort of man he is.

-

It is harder to keep Finn from knowing than Poe had thought it would be. 

He’s right; they are busy. But Finn seeks him out and Poe can’t avoid him forever. They are on a ship and there are only so many places for Poe to hide. 

It’s an accident, really. Poe keeps his clothes on but he can’t stifle his wince when Finn presses too hard on a healing bruise and then there is no putting him off.

Finn’s whole demeanor changes when he rucks Poe’s shirt up, when he sees it, the mottled black and blue, the edges beginning to yellow. Where before he had been playful now he is only furious.

“It was my fault,” Poe says before Finn can speak. “I pushed him, I--”

“It’s his kriffing fault!” Finn says, voice raised. “He did this to you! There is no reason in the entire galaxy that someone should ever do this to another living being. Stars, look at you, Poe.” He kneels down, kissing the bruising, his gentle touch at odds with his tone and his words.

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Poe says quietly, closing his eyes, his breath catching at the slide of Finn’s lips. “I never learn, I--”

“You never learn,” Finn interrupts, his mouth against Poe’s belly. “You never learn that Kylo will never care the way you want him to. Not about you, not about anyone.” He rises to his feet and his gaze is cold. “But I learn, Poe.”

Poe blinks at him as Finn sets his helmet back into place and goes for the door. “Finn,” he says, when Finn walks into the corridor. “Finn! What are you doing?”

“What I should have done a long time before now.”

“Finn! Finn, no, don’t, please.” Poe has to take a minute to fix his uniform before he chases after Finn; he knows Finn won’t stop. All Poe can do is follow him.

Finn does stop, just for a moment. His hands are on Poe’s waist, so light and careful. “It doesn’t matter what you did; you didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this.” His voice is slightly distorted through the helmet. “We can’t keep doing this, Poe. We can’t let him continue to treat us like this.”

“What are you going to do?” Poe asks helplessly, following after Finn again.

Finn doesn’t answer.

“What an unexpected pleasure,” Kylo says when he lets them in, still standing halfway across the room as he opens the door. He has to know why they’re here. 

Finn tosses his helmet onto the floor and his expression leaves little room for doubt. “You kriffing piece of shit,” he starts, moving farther into the room towards Kylo as if he’s ready for a fistfight right now.

Except invisible fingers close around Poe’s neck and he chokes.

“Poe!” Finn says, momentarily distracted from Kylo.

Kylo looks almost bored.

Poe’s fingers scrabble at his neck even though he knows there is no hand there, no grip to fight against or to loosen. It is reflex, even if he knows in his head that it’s pointless.

Finn strides towards Kylo and Poe wants to shout but he can’t find enough breath to form words, he can’t - 

And then Finn is stuck in place, Kylo’s hand outstretched towards him. The hold around Poe’s neck hasn’t eased. “You are a fool,” Kylo says, looking at Finn. “You think you stand any chance at all against me?”

Poe coughs for air as the pressure on his throat vanishes. He slides down onto the floor. “Don’t… don’t hurt him,” he manages to say, voice hoarse, as he rubs his skin.

“Don’t hurt him,” Kylo repeats. He moves closer to Finn until they are standing face-to-face, Kylo looking down at him. “Why shouldn’t I? He wants to hurt me.”

“You’re an asshole,” Finn says. “I’d like to get my hands around your fucking neck.”

It happens so suddenly and unexpectedly that Poe almost isn’t sure of what he’s seeing. Kylo’s eyes go wide and his hand moves to his neck. Finn jerks in place and then falls to his knees as he is released from Kylo’s hold. Kylo makes a strange sound, his hand still at his neck, and then it’s all over.

Finn is just crouching there, staring at his hand, as though he can’t even comprehend what he has just done. “I… Did I… Was that me?”

 _I was right,_ is all Poe can think.

Kylo’s voice is a snarl. “Get out.”

Poe rushes over to Finn and takes his arm. “Come on. This was enough.”

Finn’s eyes lift from his hand to Poe’s face. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, Poe, I…”

“Let’s go,” Poe urges again, before Kylo can toss his desk at their heads. He pulls Finn up to his feet and drags him out of the room, never daring to look back at Kylo.

He doesn’t say anything but he leads Finn down the corridor to Rey’s room. He thinks it’s where they all need to be.

“Stars,” Rey says when she sees them, her eyes wide. She moves back, letting them settle, and then she is close again, her hands on Poe.

Does he look that terrible? Worse than before? It usually doesn’t leave a mark, not unless Kylo really – but he hadn’t gone that far this time.

Rey seems to know what has happened without them saying anything. “I told you to leave Kylo to me,” she says, fingertips brushing Poe’s neck, her eyes on Finn.

“Oh, so you showed her?” Finn says. “You showed her what he did to you but you tried to hide it from me?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Poe tries to say but he just feels weary, all the way to his insides. He wants to sit down.

“He was scared for you,” Rey says when Poe doesn’t continue. Her gaze slides briefly to him. “I suppose he thought I would be smarter. Or maybe that I would care less.”

“Rey, I don’t--”

“It’s okay. I know Finn means more to you than I do.”

“That’s not true.” Poe loves Finn but he… Stars, what a kriffing disaster. He is afraid to look at Finn’s face.

“I choked Kylo,” Finn says, like he can’t hold it in anymore.

“You what?” Rey exclaims, all her attention on Finn now.

“I was so angry,” he says, flexing and extending his fingers, half-forming his hand into a fist before relaxing it. “I was so angry at what he does to us, at what he did to Poe, and he was doing it again, hurting him right in front of me, and I was-- I wanted to _hurt_ him, I wanted him to know how it felt, and then I… I did it. With my mind. Like he does.”

“Stars,” Rey breathes out. “You’re Force-sensitive, too.”

Finn is staring at his hands again. “I didn’t know.” He raises his eyes and looks at Rey, then at Poe. “Did Kylo?”

Poe feels his heart thud in his chest. Should he admit to it? Should he tell Finn? He doesn’t want to lie but he doesn’t want Finn to be angry with him again, to say, _I need some time._

Maybe someday Poe will stop unintentionally making things worse. Maybe one day he will actually learn.

“He said he could sense my power,” Rey says slowly. “I think… I think it’s likely he knew.”

Finn nods sharply, like that’s only what he expected. His hand curls into a fist. “I know what Kylo thinks of me. I know that he’d rather pluck some girl off a desert than take me as his apprentice.”

“I never asked for that. I didn’t ask to be brought here.”

“I’m not blaming you, I--”

“If you’re so upset by it I can teach you. I can show you all the things he’s shown me.”

“It isn’t about that! I _hate_ fighting. I don’t need to learn any more ways to kill. It’s about the fact that Kylo knew and kept it from me, that he thought I was too _weak_ to trouble with, that he still tried to control me.”

Poe feels like the color has all drained from his face and he wants to say something supportive but the only thing that is running through his head is, _does this count as lying? Will he hate me?_

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Poe startles. He blinks at Finn. “I…”

The realization is dawning on Finn’s face. “You knew. You talked about this with him. You talked about _me_ with him, instead of just kriffing talking to me!”

Rey has moved back, watching them, like she realizes this is an argument that needs to happen without her interference.

“I tried, Finn! Whenever I mentioned it you brushed me off, like I was being ridiculous!”

“You talked about me with Kylo!”

“Of course I did! Damn it, Finn, what do you think I talk about with Kylo? I talk about you, and I talk about Rey, because I lo--” Poe snaps his mouth shut, teeth sinking down into his lip. 

He turns around, unable to bring himself to look at either of them, rubbing his hand over his face. _Fuck fuck fuck._

After a few moments he feels the tentative press of Finn’s hand on the back of his shoulder. “This isn’t okay, Poe,” Finn says. “You can’t keep doing this, acting on your own, without me. That isn’t how I want this to work. I know you mean well but it isn’t fair.”

Poe lets himself slump forward. “I know. I’m sorry.” He is so tired of needing to say it. It always feels worthless.

Finn wraps his arms around Poe from behind, his nose at the back of Poe’s neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry I acted like it was a joke. It… it definitely isn’t a joke.”

It’s entirely inappropriate but Poe laughs, quick and short. Finn is Force-sensitive. Finn choked Kylo Ren. Kriffing hell.

“I said it wasn’t a joke,” Finn says, faintly amused.

“Sorry,” Poe says. “I just…” He turns around, his hands sliding up the back of Finn’s neck. “Tell me it doesn’t matter. Tell me we’re still the same, that you won’t-- Finn, I… I’m not like you, I’m not like any of you, and I’m afraid…” He falls silent, worrying at his lip.

“That doesn’t matter,” Finn says, one hand on Poe’s cheek. “You think I care about that?”

But Poe is afraid of getting left behind and he can’t make himself stop.

“Poe,” Finn says, so cautious and concerned, and Poe kisses him to make him be quiet.

 _Don’t leave me, don’t go where I can’t,_ he thinks with the soft slide of their lips, and presses his cheek against Finn’s, tightening his arms around Finn’s back.

He blinks at Rey, still standing there silently, her face flushed, watching them. 

“Sorry,” he says. “Rey, sorry. I shouldn’t have--”

She shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. I… I don’t mind.”

That yearning is there in her face again and Poe wants to hold her, wants to kiss her, but it’s so fucking inappropriate. He thinks of the night he spent here in her bed and longs for it, wonders if all three of them could fit, but he knows it is a question he can’t have answered.

“We should go,” he says. “Kylo is angry enough.”

He is hurt enough without them spending time in each others’ beds.

Rey nods and then that’s it. Finn returns to the barracks and Poe to his quarters and they all sleep in empty beds.


	4. Chapter 4

Kylo seems to be avoiding them.

It isn’t completely unheard of for days to pass without Kylo asking for either Finn or Poe, even when they aren’t detained with duties, but it’s too much coincidence to think that the continued absence of a summons has nothing to do with what occurred in his quarters. Poe can’t even begin to imagine what must be going through Kylo’s head.

And what’s going on in Finn’s head, it turns out, is not exactly what Poe would have expected either.

They’ve dropped to the floor together in a supply closet, sweaty and satisfied, Finn’s armor scattered, Poe’s pants still hanging open and his uniform in shameful disarray. Poe is thinking again how much he wishes Finn would agree to sleep in his bed.

“I’m not afraid of Kylo,” Finn says, their heads leaning together.

“I think that’s very apparent.”

“No, I mean… Poe, I know I have this… I have this thing, now, and Kylo can’t--” He pauses. “I might not be as strong as him or Rey, and I might not be trained, but I know what I can do now. I’m not afraid of him, and I can protect you.”

Poe closes his eyes briefly. “From Kylo?”

“I’m not going to leave you, Poe. I’m going to take care of you. I won’t let him hurt you.”

“And when you kill each other? You think that will make me happy?”

“That won’t happen.”

“But it could! Kylo’s kriffing temper, and don’t pretend like you don’t get distracted when you’re angry!” Poe pushes away from Finn. “I’m not a child in need of protection, and I definitely don’t need fighting over me.”

“That’s not what I mean at all,” Finn says, reaching for Poe. “I just…” He takes hold of Poe’s hand and pushes up his sleeve, where there is a faded ring of bruises from Kylo holding him down. “He goes too far, and I won’t let it happen again. I can’t stand it.”

Poe can’t quite look Finn in the eyes. He doesn’t know if he’s angry or ashamed or touched or what, he… 

“Poe,” Finn says, and Poe lets him hold him again. “Let me take care of you. Only when you need it. If you won’t run away with me, please let me do this at least.”

Eventually Poe says, “Only if you let me take care of you, too. I can’t do what you can do, but I can look after you. Please.”

Finn turns his head towards Poe’s face and kisses his temple. “It’s only fair.” 

It feels like mollification but Poe lets it go. It rankles, the idea that Poe is the weak one, the one who needs protecting, even if in his heart of hearts he knows it’s true to an extent. He thinks, though, he thinks he can accept the affection meant by Finn’s offer. It feels nice, to be cared for.

If Finn wants to protect him, it makes him unlikely to leave Poe behind.

-

As far as Poe knows Kylo hasn’t seen Finn since the incident. He doesn’t know if Kylo is afraid, or angry, or threatened, or some combination of the above. Or perhaps some other emotion entirely. Kylo is a mystery that Poe has yet to solve.

But he sees Poe, and Poe makes himself stay quiet.

At least, he tries. At first.

Then he stops trying.

“Why not Finn?” Poe asks quietly. “Why not him? Why Rey, and not him?”

After a lengthy pause, Kylo says, “I told you. He was not what I needed.”

“Yeah, that’s druk. So maybe Rey does have more innate power, I don’t know, but Finn-- he’s clearly strong enough to hurt you without a moment of training. He is a tremendous fighter; he thinks on his feet. You could have molded him into anything you wanted. But you didn’t. You chose not to.”

Kylo doesn’t say anything.

“You know what I think? I think you were afraid. I think Finn is right, that you still wanted to control us. You knew you couldn’t, if he knew what he could do. So you never let him know.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I? If it isn’t true, tell me what is! Stop feeding me shit and tell me why you chose Rey over Finn!”

Poe flinches when Kylo calls his lightsaber over to his hand, flying through the air until Kylo is gripping the hilt. “I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he says, voice tight, like he’s furious, like he’s thinking about igniting his lightsaber and using it to cut through Poe’s neck. “My choices are not your concern.”

“Yeah,” Poe says. “Yeah, fine, because I’m right and you won’t admit it. You thought if you taught Finn he would never sit for your crap anymore. He would have learned what he wanted and fucking left you.” _And maybe took me with him. Wouldn’t you have, Finn?_ “But joke’s on you, because Rey is the same.”

And maybe, Poe thinks, maybe that’s even what Kylo wants. Someone to fight him.

But only just enough. To fight him, but not to leave him.

“Return to your quarters,” Kylo says, “before I do something you will regret.”

“Yeah, okay,” Poe says, and walks out.

He thinks maybe that is how he and Kylo are truly the same. They will do anything not to be left alone. 

-

“Kylo is sulking,” Rey tells Poe, while he leans inside her doorway. She has just come from Kylo, sweat still drying on her skin, color in her cheeks, and she looks like someone Poe wants. 

(She always looks like someone Poe wants.)

He wishes he were a better person; he wishes he could be content with being the friend she needs.

“I noticed,” he says. “He hasn’t even looked at Finn, as far as I know.”

“His plans haven’t gone the way he imagined. He pushes me harder every session.”

“Doesn’t that work out well for you?”

Rey smiles crookedly. “It makes me stronger, yes. And…” She draws her lip between her teeth, something sly in her face. “It helps me… see what he wants.”

Poe doesn’t know what she means; he looks at her questioningly.

She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. It’s just something for me to keep, for when I need it.”

“For when you defy him? Like Finn?”

“Like you don’t?”

“Not like that.”

“In your own way, you are as troublesome as we are. You just use different skills.”

Poe supposes maybe she’s right. He can’t hurt Kylo with his hands or with the Force, like Finn and Rey can, but he has hurt him all the same. Sometimes he thinks this entire mess is his fault and he fears that it isn’t self-absorption to think so. He has made many mistakes and he isn’t the only one who pays for them.

He knows he is not a good person. He thinks Finn and Rey see something in him that he can’t see himself, that maybe isn’t even there.

Rey stretches, lithe body twisting, and Poe can’t stop himself looking. “Suppose I should have showered,” she says. “I expect I smell.”

“You’re fine,” Poe says, like a kriffing idiot, and Rey grins at him. “I’m gonna go,” he says before he can do anything else stupid. 

“See you later,” she says, still smiling, watching him with thoughtful consideration in her gaze. Poe wishes he knew exactly what she was considering.

Maybe it’s best that he doesn’t. He hardly needs more reason to be distracted by her.

He feels tense as he walks through the corridors, like his skin is too tight, and he keeps thinking about Rey, that appealing flush in her light skin, the way her body moves. He thinks of her training with Kylo, the way they move together, and it makes him want.

In his quarters he tries to think of other things, of an upcoming mission, of his squadrons, of the new pilots, but it is no good. His mind returns to Rey and her crooked smile and the way Poe wishes he could touch her. 

He lies in his bed and closes his eyes, imagining how she would feel here with him, the warmth of her skin, her slender body on his. He unfastens his pants and he is thinking of Kylo, Kylo’s hands on him, or not Kylo’s hands. Kylo keeping him down with his mind and it shouldn’t be attractive but it is; he thinks of the pressure around his throat and he is already half hard.

He touches himself and thinks of Finn, Finn standing up to Kylo, Finn striding forward, Finn raising his hand and stealing Kylo’s breath. Poe wonders if Finn would do it to him, hold him down, put his hands on Poe’s throat. Finn says he wants to take care of Poe but maybe Poe would like…

He comes with his own hand on his cock and lies there gasping, feeling ashamed of his own fantasies, and thinks maybe he could never ask, not for any of it. 

-

Poe is walking through the corridors on the _Finalizer_ when he sees two stormtroopers approaching him, deep in conversation.

“Must be trouble in paradise,” Poe hears one trooper say with a distinctly sarcastic edge. “I heard FN-2187 was getting his ass handed to him by Ren down by sick bay.”

“And I heard Ren got as good as he gave.”

“Nah, Threes saw the whole thing, he said FN-2187’s lucky his head is still attached to his neck.”

The troopers pause when they see Poe, heads lowered. “Commander,” says one, and they move on when Poe nods to them.

He could chastise them for gossiping but it doesn’t seem worth it; it will make it appear as though he cares too much. In any case he is eager to be away from them. He wants to know the actual story and not only hearsay.

Kylo is no longer avoiding Finn, clearly, but this is hardly an improvement.

He lingers outside the stormtrooper barracks when he knows Finn will be returning from training; as soon as he can he gets Finn to come with him into an unoccupied room. He pretends it is official business but he doubts he fools anyone; they all know who he is.

“You fought with Kylo?” Poe prompts when they are alone, when Finn has discarded his helmet.

“That was fast,” Finn mutters. “Yeah, it was nothing, Poe. Don’t worry about it.”

“Didn’t sound like nothing.”

“You know the rumors always get exaggerated. Kylo just… He’s pissy, you know? And he’s testing me.”

“And I’m sure you took that well.”

“So I pushed back a little, maybe, I think I’m owed. I let him fuck me after, you know that always makes him think he’s won.”

Poe leans forward, his fingers sliding up the back of Finn’s neck as he touches their foreheads together. “And you’re okay.”

Finn laughs softly, landing a teasing kiss to Poe’s nose. “Of course I’m okay. He never gets the best of me, you know that, and that was before I knew what I could do. Besides, I’m smarter than you, remember? You’re the one who never knows when to stop.”

_A death wish you love to defy,_ Poe thinks. “Yeah.”

“Don’t worry,” Finn says, stroking the nape of Poe’s neck, one hand curled around his hip. “Things just have to settle now, now that he knows that I know what I am. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

Poe knows that Finn is most likely right. He doesn’t know why he feels so antsy, like something’s coming, something bad. He just does.

Finn kisses him, slow and lingering, and says he has to go. Poe lets him, and tries to make himself stop feeling like something is about to break.

-

When Poe is off-duty on the _Finalizer_ and Kylo has left Rey to her own devices, sometimes she comes to visit him and play cards. It feels like a tiny grab at freedom, a chance to do what they want, what pleases them, in a life that is controlled to the fullest.

Rey sits on Poe’s bed and beats him at pazaak, again. Her smile is sweet and triumphant. “When we first started playing I sometimes wondered if you let me win, but now I know you’re just terrible.”

“Hey, I was good enough to teach you, I think I deserve credit for that.”

“Think maybe I just learned in spite of you.”

“That’s cruel,” Poe says and pretends to be offended, getting up and putting the game away. He is startled when he turns around and finds Rey standing right there; he hadn’t even heard her get up. “I can walk you to your quarters,” he offers.

“I don’t want to go there,” she says, and Poe can’t quite place what is showing in her expression.

“Okay,” he says. “Uh, I can take out the pazaak deck again? Or… or something else? Sabacc?”

Rey shakes her head.

“Why don’t you tell me what you want to do, then?”

Rey is slowly moving closer to him and Poe self-consciously steps back. “When you’re with Finn,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just… do it. You’re together. Because you want to be.”

Poe has a feeling he knows where this is going and he isn’t sure he wants it to go there.

(Or maybe he does, and that’s the entire problem.)

“Um, generally, yes,” he says.

“Even though Kylo doesn’t like it.”

“Kylo… tolerates it.” _And sometimes he watches, because that’s a thing now._ Poe wonders if maybe it’s Kylo’s way of ensuring his own involvement.

“Finn makes you happy.”

“Yes.”

“I still don’t really know what makes me happy,” Rey says.

Poe doesn’t quite understand how he got here, his back against the wall and Rey pressing into him. He holds his arms stiff at his sides because Force, he wants to touch, but he knows he shouldn’t; he can’t. 

It’s wrong, and Kylo –

But Rey is carefully stroking her knuckles down the side of Poe’s neck and Poe shudders, averting his eyes because he can’t look at her; if he looks at her he doesn’t know if he can stop himself. He doesn’t have that kind of self-control.

“You were the first person to be kind to me in as long as I can remember,” Rey says softly. “I didn’t know people could be kind without wanting something in return.”

Poe wants to focus on the pathetic sadness behind Rey’s words but she smells like something sweet and warm that Poe wants to hold and her touch feels like fire against his skin; his blood is steadily rushing to the parts of him that don’t think.

“Maybe,” he says, swallowing, “maybe I did want something, maybe I was being an asshole, maybe I wanted you to--”

Rey touches her finger to Poe’s mouth and he has a terrible desire to suck it between his lips, but he resists. “I know,” she says, chewing on her lip briefly, “I know how it feels when a man is kind because he wants something. You were never like that.”

Poe is horrified. Stars, what has she lived through? “Maybe I was just better at it,” he says, closing his eyes.

“Then why aren’t you taking advantage of me right now, Poe Dameron?”

_I want to, fuck, I want to._ “I think you’d better go.”

Rey takes Poe’s hand and fits it to her hip. He blinks his eyes open and stares into her face.

“Please take advantage of me, Poe,” she says, her face flushed but her eyes clear. She plainly knows exactly what she wants.

It takes Poe a minute to remember all the reasons why they shouldn’t do this. His fingers are curling around her without his explicit permission. “Kylo won’t like it.”

“Kylo doesn’t own me. Does he own you?”

_Yes. No. I don’t know. Do I care?_ Poe’s hand slides down to Rey’s ass and she lifts her leg, hooking it around Poe’s hip, getting closer still. “Fuck,” he breathes out, and he is having trouble remembering anything except Rey, Rey, Rey.

Her mouth is soft against his and she feels nice pushed against him, the curve of her small breasts, her slender fingers at the nape of his neck. He wants to get his mouth on her skin; he wants to push up inside her and feel her clench around him. She is gasping into his mouth and he wonders what she will sound like, if he can make her moan, make her cry out.

Except he shouldn’t, kriff, he shouldn’t.

He tries to squirm away but Rey doesn’t let him. _Finn,_ Poe thinks, and this isn’t right, it feels wrong, _Finn_ –

But Rey is murmuring into his ear. “Finn is welcome to join us.”

And Poe _wants_ this.

-

The next time Poe sees Finn it bursts out of him. “I fucked Rey.”

“I know,” Finn says, and Poe gapes at him. “Rey, she… she told me. _Showed_ me. I could… I could _feel_ you.”

Finn’s cheek feels hot beneath Poe’s hand. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, and I… I fucked her, too. After.”

Poe leans their foreheads together. “And?”

“I liked it,” Finn murmurs. His breath is warm on Poe’s face. “It felt like… like being with you, like I could still feel you, in me, through Rey, and then she… she’s… She’s soft, and small, but she’s so fierce and strong and I _liked_ it.”

He sounds guilty.

Poe says, “I liked it, too.”

They both stand there quietly, leaning together. 

“Kylo won’t be happy,” Finn says.

“No.”

“Do you think maybe we could…”

Finn doesn’t finish but Poe knows what he means. “He’ll know. He always does. And… I think Rey wants him to know.”

“You think she used us.”

“I think she wanted us, too, but yeah. She used us. To spite him. To show him he isn’t in control. Not of her, and not of us.” 

“But he is,” Finn says, and Poe knows how difficult the words must be for him to say. “We can test him and push him all we want but in the end, he is in control of us. He can do whatever he wants.”

_Unless we leave,_ Poe thinks. _And I know you still want to._

Or maybe…

“I don’t think,” Poe says carefully, “that Kylo is nearly as in control as he likes to pretend he is. I think Rey knows that very well.”

Finn’s eyes are wide. “You think…”

Poe shrugs. “I guess we’ll see what happens because Kylo will certainly know what we’ve done, sooner or later.”

It won’t go well, that much Poe is certain of.

-

Poe wants to say that he has no idea what Kylo’s sudden summons is about but that would be a lie. There is a cold ball of dread forming in his belly and he thinks this must be it – something really is about to break.

He should have learned to just keep his fucking dick in his pants.

He meets Finn in the corridor. “Phasma is pissed,” he says. “You think this is about what I think it’s about?”

“Probably,” Poe says, and they go in.

Rey is already there and it’s clear they have been arguing. Kylo’s pale skin has a pink, furious flush to it and his belongings are scattered about like he has thrown them in a fit of temper – or perhaps like Rey has tossed them at his head.

“Here,” Kylo says, a short summons, a flick of his wrist, and Poe goes to him, heart sinking.

_Why is it always me?_ Poe thinks.

But then he knows.

Because Kylo has deemed him weak, the weakest of them all. It’s okay for Finn to push, or Rey, because they’re different, and it isn’t as bad. But Poe? No, Poe can’t be in control of Kylo, not ever. Submitting to Poe would make Kylo less, because Poe is less.

So Kylo keeps him in his place with the one thing that Poe can never stand against. The Force.

Kylo’s hands are on Poe’s head and his eyes bore into Poe’s. Kylo wastes no time finding what he is looking for.

Poe can’t help his pained whimper because it hurts; he isn’t even fighting but it _hurts_ and then Rey is there, pressing herself in between Kylo and Poe as if to protect him.

“Force, use some finesse!” she says and she is so small and furious. “You don’t have to hurt him! You don’t even need to do this at all; I told you. You think I’d lie?”

“I don’t know what you’d do!” Kylo shouts. “You go behind my back and--”

“And what?” Rey demands. “Have sex you didn’t tell me I could have? You don’t own me!”

“You betrayed me!”

Rey laughs and Poe winces. Oh, fuck. This is going to be so much worse than he could ever have expected.

“Betrayed you?” she says. “Is that what you think this is? You know they have sex all the time, don’t you? Without you?”

“That’s different, that’s--” 

“They’ve been sleeping together for far longer I’ve been here. And it’s soft, and beautiful, because they’re in love in a way they never will be with you. Because you treat them like _things_.”

“They fuck because I _allow_ them to, because it pleases me. They come back to me and they show me.”

“They don’t do it to please you! They’re pleasing themselves! You don’t own them and no matter how hard you try you can’t stop them from feeling. That’s why this bothers you so much. Because now they have me as well, and maybe they’ll love me, too, but they will never love you.”

“You think that’s what I want.”

“I know it is! You’re _desperate_ for it. You fucked up all your relationships and now you’re desperate for someone to love you anyway, even though you’re a _dick,_ and you hate that you want that so you just act worse and worse. You pretend it doesn’t matter so you keep us like your playthings to be used or discarded and all the while all you really want is for us to smile at you and tell you you’re special. But why should any of us love a man who thinks he can own a person?”

The furniture is rattling and a bulb bursts in the overhead lights. Kylo is losing control and Poe wants to edge toward the door in a vain hope that he could run out before anyone noticed he was gone.

“You don’t know anything,” Kylo says. His voice is shaking.

“You forget,” Rey says, her mouth twisting. “I can see in your head.”

“You don’t know anything!”

“You know what I know? I know that I fucked them and I _liked_ it. I think I’ll do it again. Maybe I’ll have them both at the same time, just like you do. Think they’d enjoy it better with me.”

Kylo’s hand is around Poe’s neck and he is so startled he can’t even think to move; Kylo’s long fingers curl around Poe’s neck and his other hand tangles into Poe’s hair, jerking him up. Poe’s pulse is pounding and he is afraid.

He is afraid.

“I could break his neck so quickly he’d hardly even feel it,” Kylo says, his voice a snarl.

“Do it, then!” Rey says. “Break your favorite toys and then where will you be? Alone, because you’ve spited yourself just to prove a point.”

“No!” Finn shouts, raising his hand, but Kylo pushes him across the room until his back hits the wall without even looking at him.

Kylo’s hand tightens around Poe’s neck. “I could do it.”

“What are you waiting for?” Rey says, and Poe desperately hopes she knows what she’s doing.

Though it is probably only seconds, it feels like an eternity until Kylo lets him go, breathing harshly. Poe crumples to the floor, his heart thudding against his ribcage.

Kylo turns away; he must have released Finn as well because he crouches down on the floor beside Poe, pulling him into his arms. Finn whispers something soothing but all Poe can hear is the rushing of his own blood and the beating of his heart.

“How could they ever love you?” Rey says. “How could I ever love you? You hold us with fear. But you have never frightened me.”

The furniture rattles again, thumping against the floor. Kylo still isn’t looking at Rey, or at anyone.

“Deep down,” Rey says, “you are the one who is afraid. You’re just a scared boy who knows he will never be strong enough, never be powerful enough, never be good enough for anyone. You pretend to be in control but you can’t even control yourself. I think you wish someone would free you from that burden. That’s why you follow Snoke, isn’t it? Because he makes it just a bit easier? I think you’d like it if someone pushed you around.”

Finally Kylo looks at her, splotches of color in his cheeks. “You’re nothing but a foolish girl; you have no idea--”

“Get on the bed.”

“No.”

“I said, get on the bed!”

Poe is so startled that he doesn’t trust his own sight. Kylo is sprawled on his back, Rey’s hand outstretched. 

She surprised him. He didn’t even fight it because he never thought she would do it.

“How should we do this?” Rey says, moving closer. “Do you want them to leave, so they won’t see you on your knees?” Her gaze sweeps over to Finn and Poe. “What do you want?”

They answer at the same time.

Poe says, “I kinda want to get out of here.”

Finn says, “I want to see what happens.”

Rey’s lip curls, somewhere between amusement and sneering. “Your choice.”

Poe curls his fingers around Finn’s arm. 

Finn whispers, “We can go. If that’s what you want.”

_I can protect you,_ Poe hears Finn saying. _Let me take care of you._ “It’s okay,” he mutters, and lets Finn help him onto his feet. He stands as tall as he can make himself but he is grateful when Finn doesn’t move away; he is grateful for the solid, steady feel of Finn behind him.

Rey glides forward, smooth and graceful like a predator, and she kneels over Kylo’s hips. His fingers flex against the sheets.

“This is what you want, isn’t it?” Rey asks, her voice a low murmur. “What you dream of? You knew from the start I would never do what you wanted. I think you kept me because that intrigued you.” She drags her fingertips over Kylo’s black sleeve. “I would never be your pet on a leash.”

“Everything you know came from me!”

Rey shrugs. “Maybe. But what I do with it? That comes from me. I think…” She smiles. “I think you’re so lost. I think your parents were ashamed of you, and I think you know that you will never be enough; you will never be your grandfather.”

“Don’t,” Kylo chokes out, but he doesn’t do anything to Rey.

Poe can’t tell if he can’t or if he won’t.

“What more can I even learn from you? Maybe I’ll leave; I’ll take Finn and he can be my apprentice.” Rey pauses deliberately. “Maybe we’ll take Poe with us. You’d hate that, wouldn’t you? I know he’s your favorite. The one you think you can mold, the one who keeps coming back no matter what you do to him. So pretty, so willing, so certain that he doesn’t deserve anything better than this. Your favorite plaything.”

_It isn’t true,_ Poe thinks. Not him. Finn, whom Kylo lets stand up to him, Rey, whose firm hand Kylo craves… Not Poe, Poe who is weak –

Kylo’s eyes flicker to Poe and back to Rey. “He is nothing.”

“You are nothing, and I won’t give you what you want. Think about that,” Rey says and climbs off of him.

“Let’s go,” she says to Finn and Poe as she brushes past them.

They come with her.

“What the hell was that?” Poe asks as soon as they are in the corridor. He hears the tell-tale sound of Kylo taking out his rage on his surroundings and thinks that will be some repair job for maintenance.

“That was amazing,” Finn says. He’s glowing, looking at Rey like she is some sort of goddess.

“He can still kill us,” Poe says, moving in front of Rey, forcing her to stop lest she slam into him.

She lifts her chin. “Let him try.”

“Fuck,” Poe says, sweeping his hand through his hair. “You can’t… you can’t…”

“I can do whatever I want,” Rey says, seizing Poe’s wrist. “And so can you.”

“You’re wrong,” Poe says, and leaves them both.

But maybe the problem is that Poe has never understood what it is that he does want.

He wants Finn, he wants Rey, he wants a life with them, he wants – 

He thinks of Kylo’s hand on his throat, and he thinks of Rey saying, _the one who keeps coming back no matter what you do to him._

He was terrified in that room and the next time Kylo sends for him, he knows he will come. 

It might even be because he wants to.


	5. Chapter 5

Poe stays busy and he doesn’t see Finn or Rey. A new batch of pilots comes aboard and Poe puts them through their drills; it is familiar and comforting. He remembers when he was new. It seems a long time ago now.

Nearly a week passes before Kylo asks for him. He is more careful than usual, his fingertips poised near Poe’s temple, gently searching rather than forcibly tearing images out. It feels odd rather than painful.

“You haven’t seen them,” he says, dropping his hand to his side and looking like he hardly believes what he has just found.

Poe shakes his head. “Figured you were upset.”

There is a new desk in Kylo’s room. Poe doesn’t need to ask why.

“You enjoyed your transgression,” Kylo says.

Poe flushes. “Think you know that without me saying it. You want me to lie?”

“You would like to do it again.”

“Again, should I lie?”

Kylo curves his hand around Poe’s chin and tilts it up. “You are not unhappy, with me.”

Poe wonders why Kylo cares. He never has before. He takes what he wants. 

“You’ve been in my head,” he says. “You tell me.”

Kylo’s fingertips press into Poe’s jaw. “You are mine,” he says, his eyes dark and fathomless. “More than they could ever be.”

_Because I keep coming back?_ Poe thinks. He doesn’t say anything.

“That’s what you want, isn’t? To be mine?”

_Does he own you?_

_Yes,_ Poe thinks, but he doesn’t know whose question he is answering. _Your favorite toy, maybe, but is that what I want?_

_He doesn’t care about you,_ Finn has told Poe so many times. Kylo’s pet, Rey calls him. Kylo’s plaything. 

Poe resents the way Kylo pushes him and throws him around but warm desire still builds in his belly whenever he lies in bed and waits for Kylo’s touch. He must be broken. He shouldn’t want what he wants when Kylo treats him the way he does.

Kylo is still touching his face and Poe sways into it. He wants… he wants to kneel at Kylo’s feet and be told he has done well.

But Kylo has never told him this. He has never stroked Poe’s hair and told him he’s been good. He has never watched Poe return from a successful mission and tell him he is the best they have, the First Order could never do what it does without Poe.

“Pilot,” Kylo says, and Poe knows he is taking it from his head. Poe is broadcasting too loudly; he forgot himself. “You don’t need me to tell you that you are the best in the fleet. You know it already.” He pauses, so, so deliberately. “But you may kneel, if you like.”

Poe blinks at him in surprise but his knees are already bending and he drops like it’s what he has wanted more than anything. Maybe it is, and maybe that means he truly is broken, deep inside. “Please,” he says, and wraps his fingers into the folds of Kylo’s black robes, the material thick and rich against his skin.

Kylo’s hand goes into Poe’s hair, lightly pulling. “You vex me,” he says, looking down, “but you please me also.”

“Kylo,” Poe says, and closes his eyes. He thinks he could stay here.

It doesn’t feel long, however, before Kylo pulls his hair more insistently, drawing him up. Kylo’s hand slides from his hair down the side of his face and then he pulls back. There is possessiveness there, in Kylo’s expression, and it is like Rey says. 

_Your favorite plaything._

Poe doesn’t feel it’s true, that he is Kylo’s favorite, but he is certainly Kylo’s.

He isn’t sure that isn’t what he wants.

“On the bed,” Kylo says, and Poe moves back until he is sitting down, weight resting back in his hands.

Kylo stands before him and it’s the same as always. Kylo will have what he wants, and maybe Poe will even enjoy it.

It’s different with Kylo than it is with Finn, than it was with Rey. Kylo’s concern is always for himself above all. He doesn’t care what Poe feels. He doesn’t care if Poe enjoys any of it. He is rough and harsh and selfish.

Sometimes Poe likes that anyway. He doesn’t need Kylo to be gentle. Sometimes he likes the way pain bleeds into pleasure, the way Kylo pulls his hair too hard, the way his fingers bruise. Sometimes he likes the way Kylo’s hand tightens around his throat. It’s just… different. Finn concerns himself with Poe’s pleasure, while with Kylo it is only an unintended consequence.

Kylo is never soft. Poe thinks he doesn’t know how. But when Kylo leans down to kiss him now, Poe thinks… Poe thinks maybe, maybe, maybe… 

Maybe Kylo cares for him a little after all.

Or maybe Poe just sees what he wants to see.

-

It is a surprise when Poe receives a late-night visitor and an even greater surprise when he opens the door to discover it is Rey standing before him, in her dark clothes with her lightsaber at her hip.

“Let me in? Please?”

Poe moves aside. He thinks he will always give Rey anything, if she asks.

She moves to him before he can duck out of the way, her arms sliding around his waist. There is a part of him that wants to push her away but he doesn’t.

“You’re upset with me,” she says.

“No.”

“Liar.” Her arms squeeze tighter. “You’re angry because I provoked Kylo on purpose, and I used you to do it.”

“It’s only fair,” Poe says, looking down at the top of her head. “I used you once, too.” More than only once, if he’s being really honest.

“And I asked you not to. So I recognize the hypocrisy.” 

“Not like I didn’t get anything out of it.”

Rey laughs into his chest and then she pulls back. She takes Poe’s hand and tugs him over to the bed, urging him to sit beside her. “I want you to know that I…” She chews at her lip. “I wanted to. With you. I wanted you.”

“I thought you… seemed pleased.”

She is blushing now and Poe remembers how young she is. It is easy to forget, when he sees her stand toe-to-toe with Kylo and never back down.

“You’re very pleasing,” she mutters, staring at her knees.

Poe doesn’t think he should but he shifts, drawing her to himself, and kisses the side of her face. “I’m glad,” he whispers. He doesn’t know how good he is at it, really, and he is so used to pleasing Kylo, to pleasing Finn, that he wasn’t sure he could make it any good for someone else, someone whose body was different, whose desires were different.

He is glad.

She presses into him and kisses his mouth. “I meant it, before, Finn… I would like that. I want that. You, and me, and him.”

_But not Kylo,_ Poe thinks, and that is the problem. Kylo’s jealousy will destroy them.

“Why do you care for him?” Rey asks quietly, her breath light against his face, her fingertips stroking his temples. “I can feel it, here, and here,” she says, and touches her hand to his heart. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

Poe presses his forehead to hers and closes his eyes. “What does anyone deserve?”

He is not a good person. His hands aren’t clean.

He thinks he has exactly what he deserves.

-

“Like this,” Rey says, not for the first time, and smoothly twists out of Poe’s hold until suddenly he is on his back on the training mat. Again, not for the first time.

Finn is laughing, also not for the first time. “Seriously, Poe, just give up. You’re not bad but you’ve got nothing on her.”

Rey is grinning down at Poe, straddling his hips, and Poe isn’t sure whether he wants to get the best of her _just once_ more than he wants to kiss her. It’s close.

“Yeah,” he says, “why don’t you get over here and take your best shot, huh?”

“With pleasure,” Finn says with a grin to match Rey’s. He struts over in an exaggerated show of confidence but all he does is drop down next to them and wrap his arms around Rey, pushing her over until she yelps and all three of them end up in a tangle on the floor.

They put up a show of wrestling for a while, each of them trying to get the upper hand, but honestly, by the time Poe ends up pinned beneath Finn’s heavy weight with Rey laughing and gasping as he unintentionally finds out she is actually quite ticklish if you touch her in the right spot, he doesn’t care anymore about winning. He is sweaty and warm and he likes the feel of their slick skin against his; the way they are pressed together now seems charged and intimate.

Rey, still breathlessly giggling, presses a kiss to Poe’s mouth. He chases after her lips and then finds Finn’s, and after that there is clearly no satisfaction to be had until Finn has kissed Rey as well.

It’s probably appropriate that that is the moment Kylo enters the room. Poe sees him over Finn’s shoulder and though Kylo is masked, Poe can imagine the displeased way he will be looking down his nose at them, his lips thinning. He won’t like the easy way they’re lying together in a mess of limbs, or the affectionate nature of their simple kisses, or the way Rey is still half-smiling even now.

“You are finished,” Kylo says.

“Actually,” Poe says, “no, we--”

“You are finished,” Kylo repeats, and Rey has lost her smile completely now.

Poe waits for her to argue but she just keeps watching Kylo, lips turned downwards. 

“Clean yourselves up.” Kylo looks at Finn. “You are needed.”

“Whatever,” Finn grumbles, but he is already getting up, rigid stormtrooper discipline ingrained in his every cell.

Kylo turns and walks back out, the edges of his robes fluttering behind him. Poe sighs and lets his head drop onto the training mat.

Rey’s gaze stays focused on where Kylo was standing for a moment before she looks away. “I’ve been doing some reading,” she says, slowly, like she isn’t entirely sure how to say what she is saying. “Into bonding? Through the Force? I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t only theoretical.”

Poe glances up at Finn. “We’re probably not your best source of information,” he says. He doesn’t even know what she means. Bonding? Like marriage or something?

“No, I know. Just… Kylo’s been thinking about it, that’s all. I catch stray thoughts, sometimes. That’s why I looked into it.”

“Maybe you should ask him, then,” Finn says, though it’s clear he doesn’t actually think it’s worth the effort.

“Right,” Rey says. She seems troubled but she lets the topic drop.

Poe doesn’t think on it again.

-

Finn’s back feels slick as Poe moves against him, a sheen of sweat coating his smooth, dark skin. Poe presses a kiss to the back of Finn’s neck as he rolls his hips and he feels as much as hears the way Finn’s breath catches.

“Stop,” Kylo says.

It takes a moment for that to register in Poe’s head and he thinks, _fuck, are you fucking serious,_ but he stills and then he pulls out.

Finn moans quietly and his shoulders tense; he drops his forehead to the bed. Poe strokes a fingertip down his spine before he falls over onto his back, trying not to glare too obviously at Kylo. Without thinking about it he reaches for his cock but Kylo says, “Don’t.”

Poe exhales a frustrated huff of breath and flings his arm over his eyes. He peers out to watch Kylo come closer, shedding the last of his clothing. Kylo pushes Poe towards Finn and Poe shifts, letting Kylo settle with his back against the wall.

When Kylo gestures for him, Poe settles between his legs and leans down, smirking a little. He licks up Kylo’s hard cock, base to tip, and watches Kylo’s eyelashes flutter, watches him lick his lower lip.

“Finn,” Kylo says, voice rough. “Show him how.”

“I know--” Poe begins, offended, but stops at the faint tightening sensation around his neck.

“What do you want?” Finn asks, moving behind Poe. “You want me to blow you while he watches?”

“I want you to… direct him,” Kylo says, gesturing, and Poe can hear the grin in Finn’s voice when he answers.

“Yeah, I can do that,” Finn says, his hand in Poe’s hair. He tugs Poe back and then shoves him down until his face is in Kylo’s crotch. Finn has pressed himself close up to Poe’s back, so his erection nudges against Poe.

Okay, Poe can go with this. 

It isn’t the first time Poe has had the rhythm and direction taken out of his control. Kylo likes to do it himself, a lot of the time, holding Poe’s head where he wants him and thrusting, and sometimes Finn gets bossy, too. This is something different, but once he lets himself relax he finds he sort of enjoys letting himself get pushed, making himself slow when Finn wants him to, feeling Kylo twitch and listening to the hitching in his breathing when Finn drags it out longer than maybe Kylo was expecting.

Poe pulls off, Finn’s fingers tangled in his hair, and he looks up at Kylo, his wide, dark eyes, the red in his cheeks.

Then Kylo is leaning forward, one hand at Poe’s temple and the other at Finn’s, and Poe gasps.

Kylo is in his head but it isn’t like it usually is; Kylo isn’t taking anything. He’s _pushing,_ and it feels weird, and somehow it feels like Finn is there, like he is behind a curtain where Poe can’t reach him. 

_Stop,_ Poe thinks, _stop,_ because it feels like intrusion, like an unwelcome visitor in his mind, and it hurts. Oh, fuck, it hurts, so that he wants to claw at his head, he wants to scream, he wants to cry. It hurts worse than when Kylo pulls images out, it hurts like there is a person stomping around in his skull and then he – 

He sees a child, can’t be more than two or three years old, a boy with black curly hair, and he’s being held in strong arms, swung up high, and the child is laughing, the child is saying, _mama, look, mama, I’m flyin’, me and daddy are flyin’, just like you, mama._

It feels horribly, uncomfortably real and Poe pulls away; he imagines slamming a door and the boy disappears. He is in a corridor and he walks, but he isn’t alone, he can feel Kylo, like a haunting presence bringing pain and discomfort, and…

There is a little boy with pale skin and dark eyes, a frightened boy alone in his bed, and he is thinking, _who are you, where is my mother, I want my mother –_

And then Poe is violently removed from the scene; the little boy is gone.

He feels fear, and anger, and it feels like Kylo, but Poe doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want it, he tries pushing back and he runs, he runs down an endless corridor and doors are opening, there is his flight instructor, and there is his classmate who kissed him once in the refresher before they got caught and punished, and there is Finn, young, so young, the first time Poe saw him, when he was just a stormtrooper, FN-2187, and it’s too much, too many doors, and they are all opening and Poe can’t shut them even when he tries and Kylo is following him, following him, _pushing –_

Poe tries to push back and he tries to find a door that isn’t his; he can see a woman, a beautiful, beautiful woman with Kylo’s lovely hair and Kylo’s fierce strength but then it’s just _rage_ and – 

He feels like his head is being torn apart from the inside. It feels like fire in his head and he tries to scream but nothing comes out; he can feel the pressure in his skull squeezing tighter and tighter, crushing and – 

And then there is something else, a whisper, a tendril of light, and he follows it, and it feels like a cool trickle of water circling through his head, calming the fire. It hurts still but he feels less like his head is going to explode.

_It’s okay, it’s okay, breathe, breathe with me,_ a voice is saying, the most beautiful voice Poe has ever heard. _Let me in,_ the voice says, and Poe imagines all the walls and all the doors just falling away. He feels enveloped and warm and safe, the pain fading as he accepts this new presence, and the voice says, _Thank you, Poe, thank you, it’s okay, everything will be okay. You’re okay now. I’m here. Do you feel Finn? Can you find him for me?_

Poe concentrates and he sees Finn, so young, and he hears himself saying, _That’s too complicated, I’m gonna call you… Finn, is that okay? Finn?_

And Finn’s smile is so wide and bright and he says, _Yeah, I like that, no one ever gave me a nickname before, no one in my squad, just…_

Poe keeps the walls down, the doors open, and he feels Finn, all around, everywhere, and he feels this overwhelming sense of warmth and care and for the first time he knows for certain that Finn loves him.

_Good,_ the beautiful voice is saying, _that’s so good, that’s perfect._

When he opens his eyes there is Rey, sweat at her temples, holding his face in hers, and he kisses her because he wants to, and it feels like relief, like homecoming.

“You’re okay,” she says, “you’re okay,” and Poe hears it echo in his head more than it seems to actually fall in the air between them.

And his head… his head… It feels cluttered, like he isn’t alone anymore, and he whispers, “I feel you,” and Rey’s mouth twists a little, sadness and fondness.

“We’re linked now,” she says, before a lengthy pause. “All of us.” Her hand strokes down Poe’s arm and she takes his hand as she turns to look at Finn, who is watching them with wide, wide eyes. “Are you okay? I wasn’t sure that would work.”

He nods. “I think so. What was that?”

Rey’s expression hardens. “Kylo seems to have decided to bond you to him without your permission.”

An angry, agitated pulse beats in Poe’s head and he knows it’s Kylo. Bonded. They’re bonded. What does that even mean?

He should have listened to Rey.

“He _what_?” Finn says. The mingling of his throbbing anger, confusion, and disbelief echoes in Poe’s skull.

_I didn’t think,_ Poe hears in his head, so quick; he almost thinks he has imagined it. 

But Rey is seething. Poe feels that, too, and he knows it isn’t his imagination.

“You never think!” she says, voice raised. “You bring them in here so you can, what, so you can fuck them? And hold them to you? Insert yourself in their minds without invitation? And you just did it! You _didn’t think!_ ”

“I don’t have to answer to you!” Kylo is standing and Poe doesn’t know how that happened. Weren’t they just… But he is on his feet, naked, and it should be ridiculous but his muscles are taut and quivering and Poe knows he can hurt them just as easily in his bare skin as he can in the full raiment of Kylo Ren. The scars on his torso that Poe has never dared to ask about stand out starkly on his pale skin, some that look like burns from a lightsaber but others he can only guess at.

Maybe Poe won’t have to ask anymore, or even to guess. Maybe Poe will be able to take it from Kylo’s head, like Kylo has always done to him when he wants to know something.

“You are a fool!” Rey shouts. “You fucking selfish idiot, so scared of being left behind that you would-- Do you realize what you could have done to them, to him?” She is still clutching Poe’s hand. “He can’t protect himself at all! You could have broken him! And you think you can teach _me_? You understand nothing!”

“Good thing you’re always here to come running to save him, then, isn’t it? Your poor, precious Poe, always in need of your protection, in need of you to stroke his hair and tell him he’s a good boy.”

Poe can feel the flush rise in his skin, the desires Kylo has stolen from his head, along with the fears. He _is_ weak, he isn’t like them, he can’t – 

“You selfish, arrogant prick!” Rey says. “How dare you--”

“Stop fighting,” Poe moans, hands on his head. “My head is splitting.”

“I’m sorry,” Rey says, turning to him again, fingers light on his skin. Her contrition is softer, gentler, in his head than her rage had been.

“I can feel everything. Too much.” He looks at Finn, who is rubbing at his temples as though he is in as much discomfort as Poe is.

“I know. It will get better. Easier.” Rey pauses, and her last words are only a whisper, soft and uncertain. “I think.”

She doesn’t know what she is doing, Poe realizes. She is in the dark as much as Finn and Poe are; she only knows how to fake it better.

“They will adjust,” Kylo says. “We all will.”

Rey’s anger spikes again. “Adjust? That’s all you have to say?”

“If you would all only-- then I wouldn’t have to--”

There is a rush of images flooding through Poe’s mind, him and Finn, him and Rey, and a sharp stab of distress, of jealousy, but then it’s like a wall slams down and it’s gone.

“They were happy without you,” Rey says. “That’s all they ever did, and that’s enough, isn’t it? That it was without you? That Poe came to me and wanted to care for me? That I…”

Another spike of anger but this time it’s Kylo’s, seeping out from beneath the wall he has put up. “I gave you everything. I gave _them_ everything, freedoms they never could have enjoyed without me.”

“A little bit of extra freedom to move around this ship in repayment for the way you treat them, and you think that is a gift? The moments they steal with each other are the only real moments they have and you know it! You are so kriffing paranoid and insecure and self-centered, you can’t let them have one thing that isn’t about you!”

“You accuse me? After you fucked them to hurt me!”

“Not everything is about you!”

But she is lying, Poe can feel it, even if Rey is so angry that she won’t admit it. She slept with Finn and Poe because she wanted to, but she did it to hurt Kylo, too. It was as much about them as it was about him.

And Kylo knows it. He may be paranoid, self-centered, and insecure, but this time, at least, he is also right.

Rey, though, she slides over and cups Finn’s face in her hands, giving him the filthiest, wettest kiss she knows how. Finn makes a muffled noise of mingled surprise and want into her mouth and holds her hips and fuck, Poe can _feel_ it, like they’re kissing him, but they aren’t, and it’s the weirdest, headiest sensation, and his cock twitches against his thigh.

He is suddenly aware that he is sitting on Kylo’s bed bare as the day he was born, his erection flagging but making a valiant effort to revive itself. He feels the flush in his skin but Finn looks at him, grinning, Rey crouched in his lap.

“You don’t have anything that we haven’t all seen before,” he says.

Kylo is sneering. “And I see you, too. You put on a show and you think you’re proving something, but you’re only proving my point.”

“Please,” Rey says in disgust. “Get over yourself.”

Kylo steps away; he pulls on his underwear. “You said it yourself; they have been through a trauma. It won’t be good for them to be separated from me, or from each other, for the time being. It won’t be good for you, either,” he says with a pointed look at Rey.

She swears under her breath. “If you touch me, I’ll drive my lightsaber through your heart.”

His lip curls but Poe can feel his twinge of arousal. Poe isn’t sure he wanted to become this aware of every one of Kylo’s twisted desires.

“My squad,” Finn starts, but Kylo cuts him off.

“The bond is too new and your mind too fragile. If you walk out that door you will regret it.”

Finn looks at Rey, who shrugs. “I think he’s telling the truth.”

When they all crowd into the bed, Kylo on one end, Rey on the other, Poe thinks that this isn’t at all how he imagined this would happen. 

-

Poe wakes up in a bed that isn’t empty, his arm numb where Finn is lying on it, half-sprawled over Poe’s chest and his knee poking awkwardly at Poe’s thigh. Rey is curled in a ball on Finn’s other side, her back pressed to him.

Poe lies there for a moment, appreciating the sensation. He doesn’t even care that he can’t feel his arm, or that if Finn jerks in his sleep he’s liable to knee Poe in the crotch. He half-thinks he must be dreaming but there is still a dull ache in his skull that he knows must be a residual effect from the forced bond. He doesn’t know how bad it would have been if Rey hadn’t intervened. He can feel the echoes of Finn and Rey in his head, their minds quiet in sleep, but there, vaguely comforting, and Kylo…

Kylo is in his chair, chest bare, watching them. 

_You could have asked,_ Poe thinks. _You could have asked._

One eyebrow lifts. _And you would have said yes?_

Poe frowns. _You’ll never know now, will you?_

Kylo looks away. Jealousy is throbbing through their bond and Poe knows that is always the problem. Kylo is possessive because he fears being left behind, just as Rey had said.

“I would not have,” Rey says, sitting up. Finn starts to stir as she does.

“You weren’t meant to be part of it anyway,” Kylo says, his tone veering into petulance.

Rey snorts. “No, because you know I would have stopped it.”

“Or maybe I just didn’t want you.”

She laughs now, so certain of herself. “You couldn’t lie to me before and you definitely can’t now. I know what you dream about.”

Poe feels a wall sliding into place, blocking Kylo away, but Rey is still laughing.

“That might work with them,” she says. “It won’t keep me out for long.”

“Foolish, arrogant girl,” Kylo says, but Rey never stops smiling her clever, satisfied smile.

Finn is getting out of bed, finding his armor on the floor. It’s later than Poe had thought, he sees, looking at the chrono, and Phasma is surely angry. Poe should be gone already as well. Kylo has never, ever kept him back this long.

“You can’t leave,” Kylo says.

“Stop me,” Finn says, half-dressed.

“As I explained last night, the bond is too new. You cannot be apart from us.”

“I have duties! Poe has duties! We can’t just lounge around here all day!”

“You are my bondmates,” Kylo says, slow and deliberate. “Your commanding officers all answer to me. You may do exactly as I bid you.”

“I’m not going to stay here like your prize,” Finn says, his rage expanding out through Poe’s head. “You can’t keep me here.”

Kylo shrugs. “Leave, then, if that’s what you wish. You will return soon enough.”

Finn glares at him a moment longer before pulling on his helmet and striding to the door until he has disappeared into the corridor.

It’s fine for a while. Poe thinks that maybe Kylo was wrong; maybe he was just trying to control them again.

But then he feels a piercing pain, like someone is shoving a knife through his skull, and it grows worse and worse until he thinks he might die, he actually thinks he might die, and then the door is open and Finn, bare-headed again, has crawled into his lap, curling around him, and the pain is gone.

Poe is breathing harshly and he holds Finn to himself. He looks over at Rey, who seems pale and drawn, and he holds his hand out to her. She takes it.

Kylo’s lip is bitten through and he slowly unclenches his fists. “I warned you.”

“How can we fight like this?” Poe asks. “How can we be expected to--”

“It won’t be like this forever,” Kylo says. “Within a few days we will all be able to move about the ship as usual, and within time it will only seem normal. You’ll be able to fly halfway across the galaxy as you always do, and no one will feel the worse for it.”

“So you say,” Finn mutters.

“Whether you believe me or not, I have no wish to never be allowed to move freely on my own. I would not have done it.”

“Yeah, because you clearly thought this through ahead of time.”

“And I suppose you are always entirely clear-headed and rational, and you never make rash decisions.”

“I don’t decide, hey, you know what would be great, I’m gonna bond these guys to me while I’m having my dick sucked, they’re clearly gonna be all for it, it’s an amazing idea!”

“Don’t shout,” Poe says, pushing at Finn’s shoulder. “I hear it twice.”

“Sorry,” Finn says, but his expression is still severe. He gathers himself up to face Kylo more fully, though he doesn’t move far from Poe. “Can we break it?” He moves his gaze to Rey.

She hesitates. “I… I’m not an expert. I don’t think so. I think it would be very damaging to our minds.”

“We will not be breaking it,” Kylo says.

“That’s not fucking up to you, is it?” Finn says. “None of us agreed to this!”

“That doesn’t matter! It’s done now!”

“Because you’re a selfish asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants! Did you think we would be grateful? Did you think we would sit here and thank you for shoving yourself into our heads?”

“Shouting again,” Poe mutters, his fingers around Finn’s elbow. He understands, though. He understands why Finn is shouting. He thinks maybe if his head hurt less he would shout, too.

“I’m sorry,” Finn says again, “but he’s a kriffing dick.”

“Think of it as reconditioning,” Kylo says. 

Finn spits out a stream of curses and Poe thinks about hitting Kylo right in his long nose. 

Kylo’s lips spread into an unpleasant smile. “Your imagination is as vivid as ever, Commander.”

Poe extricates himself from the bed. He’s not dressed past his underwear but fuck if he can be bothered about that. He walks over to Kylo, and even with him sitting down Poe is still hardly taller than him. He wraps his fingers into Kylo’s hair and yanks. “Doesn’t have to be my imagination. We can do a physical demonstration.”

“I think you’ll find,” Kylo says, mouth twisting, “that a physical demonstration will be as painful for you as it will be for me.”

Poe thinks about Rey and Finn kissing the night before. “Damn.” But does that mean Kylo can’t hurt him at all anymore? No more Force choking, or throwing him into walls?

The look in Kylo’s eyes seems to indicate otherwise. Poe has a feeling he is going to have quite the education in the coming days.

-

They descend into sullen silence. Kylo retreats to his datapad. Rey is meditating; Poe doesn’t think she is doing a very good job of it. He thinks he would feel calmer, they all would feel calmer, if she were. 

Poe wonders about the door next to the refresher. He has wondered about it before, where it leads. He has never seen Kylo go through it and Kylo certainly has never let Poe near it. Kylo has never even let Poe into the refresher before today, when the confinement thing made it a bit of a necessity.

“It’s a meditation chamber,” Kylo says from his desk.

Finn snorts. “You can’t use it very often, then. You’re wired awfully tight for a guy with a meditation chamber.”

“It’s more like a shrine,” Rey says, opening her eyes. 

All eyes turn to Kylo. He is flushing. “Shut your--”

“He’s got his grandfather’s helmet in there. Darth Vader.”

Silence reigns for several long moments. Poe knows it’s true from what he can feel of Kylo in his head.

“Your grandfather is _Darth Vader_?” Poe says.

“Darth Vader had a _kid_?” Finn says.

“Oh, don’t mention his mother, whatever you do,” Rey says, and there is a spike of irritation running through Poe’s head.

“Fuck you,” Kylo snarls. “At least I had a mother. Yours threw you away like trash, like--”

Rey swears in a language Poe doesn’t know and she is off the bed in an instant. “Fuck this, I don’t have to be here, I have better shields. I’m not staying here with him!” She is already almost to the door before Poe has even scrambled to his feet.

“Rey,” he says, and tunes out the sound of Finn and Kylo sniping at each other in the background. “Rey, you know what happened when Finn left.”

“I’m stronger than him! I’m trained!”

“But I’m not,” Poe says, standing before her. “Rey, I’m not. I’m not like you. If you leave, I…”

“That’s not fair, Poe,” she whispers. “I can’t stay locked in here.”

“I don’t like it either.” He doesn’t, he doesn’t like any of it, not being trapped in here and not guilting Rey into staying by emphasizing how weak he is compared to the rest of them. 

“Poe,” she starts again, but then they both are unable to ignore what else is going on in the room for any longer.

Kylo has shoved Finn to the wall behind him, hand upraised, and Poe feels the thud against his back dimly, like an echo of being thrown himself. It doesn’t hurt, exactly, and Poe thinks maybe he could have thrown that punch earlier after all.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Finn says. “Push me around a bit, that’s your answer to everything, isn’t it? Violence? Force? Only I know I can do this now.” He holds his hand up and Poe feels that, too, the ghostly tightening around his throat.

But Kylo fights back, pinning Finn to the wall. Of course, that only leads to Rey getting involved; she lifts her hand and Kylo slams into the corner of his desk, stumbling and cursing.

“This is ridiculous!” Poe shouts. “This won’t solve anything!”

“Might make me feel better,” Finn says, rubbing his elbow where it must have knocked into the wall.

“It’s done now,” Poe says, “all of it, and now we have to figure out how to live with it. With each other.”

“We shouldn’t have to,” Rey mutters petulantly.

“That doesn’t matter. We have our lives, and we figure out how to live them.” Poe looks to Finn. “Right?”

Finn hesitates, and then he nods. “Right.”

Kylo flings himself back into his chair and they are all back to miserable silence.

“We don’t actually have to be in this room,” Poe says. “Right? We just have to be in the same room? So maybe we can exercise our violent urges in a more productive manner.”

No one argues that so they go to the gym where Kylo usually trains with Rey. The two of them have at it immediately, lightsabers out, even more aggressive than usual. Poe finds it somehow even more distracting that it normally is, which he thought was impossible, but he thinks he is simply still struggling to separate what his… bondmates are doing from his own thoughts and actions. He spars with Finn for a while and that feels odd, too, because they can half-sense what the other is going to do before they do it.

It was a good idea though, clearly, because after they’ve showered and gone back to Kylo’s room, they are all too worn out to fight. Kylo disappears into his meditation chamber, or his shrine, or whatever the kriff it is, and they all just let him go without incident. A wall slams down in Poe’s head, blocking Kylo off to himself, and Poe doesn’t kriffing care.

Poe collapses onto the bed. Finn follows him, spooning around him, and a sigh escapes past Poe’s lips. How long has he wanted this, Finn in his bed, Finn wrapped around him, Finn’s face to wake up to? But Finn always stayed with his squad so maybe Poe should thank Kylo, just for this.

“I wanted to wake up with you, too,” Finn murmurs into Poe’s ear, and Poe strokes his fingers down Finn’s arm.

It takes a moment longer but then Rey gets into the bed too, on Poe’s other side. She curls into his chest, facing him, and as Finn reaches out to wrap his hand around Rey’s forearm a sense of warmth spreads through Poe that he doesn’t think is only from the physical contact. He feels it through the bond, the comfort of having them so close, mingled with an odd sense of loss that comes from Kylo blocking them out.

“He is afraid,” Rey says. “Everything he does comes from fear. He wants us close, and then he pushes us away.”

Poe knows what she means because it has always been that way. “I’m sure your mother loved you,” he tells her quietly. “But if it helps, I think mine threw me away. She certainly couldn’t have loved me.” If she had, Poe wouldn’t be here.

“I’m not sure that’s true,” Rey says, but she wraps her arms tighter around Poe and burrows her face into the crook of his neck.

-

The next day Finn makes it a little farther before he comes rushing back, slinking into the bed and wrapping around Poe. Rey tries showing Finn how to meditate and it isn’t terribly successful but Rey herself is at least a little calmer than she was yesterday. No one has shouted at all and Poe thinks that is fairly striking progress.

“What did you say?” Poe asks, towards mid-day. “How did you explain our absence?”

“I said I had need of you,” Kylo answers. “That is all the explanation they deserve.”

Finn makes a noise partway between a snort and a groan. “Great, so Phasma thinks we’re having some sort of days-long orgy.”

Poe isn’t the only one whose train of thought derails at that comment and he knows that for a fact. He coughs. “Um, gym? Now?”

Sparring proves yet more distracting even than yesterday. It’s like there is a weird build-up of pressure in Poe’s head, in his skin, and physical contact doesn’t help. It’s physical contact of the wrong sort.

His head is still so cluttered and he’s thinking about the four of them piled in the bed, he’s feeling the clash of lightsabers he isn’t holding while Finn pins him to the ground, he’s reeling in the swell of warmth that comes from the four of them all being so close, he’s feeling a dim pang of anger that _Kylo didn’t ask_ and a stab of fear that _they don’t want me_ and - 

“That’s enough,” Kylo says, deactivating his lightsaber.

In the communal refresher Finn presses Poe against the wall and kisses him, hot and sweaty. Poe feels light-headed and overwhelmed with want and it feels like loss when he nudges Finn back so they can use the sonic showers.

The want doesn’t go away, though. If anything, it intensifies.

Poe sits in Kylo’s room and thinks it has only been two days. They’ve been bonded two days and he can hardly stand it, this desperate aching need to have them, like he can’t control his own hormones. 

“It’s all our hormones, too,” Rey says, climbing onto the bed. “Magnified and amplified.” She crawls over towards him until she is kneeling over his hips.

Finn sits next to them and reaches his hand out, sliding down Rey’s arm, then tangling into Poe’s hair. Kylo is leaning in the corner, watching, and his presence throbs in Poe’s mind.

“Rey,” Poe says, his hands going to her ass.

She leans down, loose tendrils of her hair framing his face. She kisses the curve of his cheekbone and her breath is so warm. “Poe.”

“Rey, please.”

She shimmies her hips a little, the pressure dragging over Poe’s crotch, and she kisses him while Finn comes closer, his hands on Poe’s skin, his lips on the back of Rey’s neck.

Poe feels like sparks are exploding in his head, spreading through his body so that he is tingling, on edge, and they’re barely touching him yet. He can hardly think, it’s just… just pleasure, and sensation, and - 

Rey pulls back and she’s looking back over her shoulder, looking at Kylo. “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? Every time we fuck you’ll know?”

Kylo’s irritated fury pulses in Poe’s head but he’s turned on, too, and he can’t hide it. He wants as badly as they do but he grits his teeth and spits out, “And you still say it has nothing to do with me.” He stalks off into his private chamber and the door slides closed behind him.

He’s not gone, though, not really. The wall stays down and Poe can feel everything, Kylo’s anger, his jealousy, his desire, his arousal, his fear.

And, Poe knows, Kylo can feel everything when Rey grinds her hips down, when Finn bites his neck. Kylo’s half-shamed lust colors everything and when Poe moans he feels the echo of Kylo fitting his hand down his pants.

They only get half-undressed, Poe’s shirt pushed all the way up his chest, Finn’s pants hanging open and partway down his hips, Rey’s tunic trailing off the side of the bed towards the floor. They are a tangle of limbs and Poe loses track of whose hand is where, whose mouth is sucking at his pulse point, whose fingers are wrapping around his cock. He can feel _everything_ and he comes harder and faster than he ever has. His orgasm hits him like an ocean wave, like he’s drowning, and he lies there with his heart pounding and his breathing quick and heavy and erratic, trying to sort out which emotions are his.

He isn’t sure it even matters anymore.

He is lying on top of Finn, hips still thrusting feebly against Finn’s thigh, and he slows, stills. Rey is draped over them both and Poe tilts his head so he can kiss her neck, her breast. Her hand curves around the back of his head and they all drift into sleep just like that, entangled with each other, as Kylo frets alone in the next room.


	6. Chapter 6

On the third morning post Force bond, Poe wakes up feeling the most contented he ever has in his entire life. Better than falling asleep curled with Finn and Rey, better than waking up with them yesterday. He wonders if it’s because of the sex but then he takes stock of his position.

His head is nestled on someone’s chest, male, muscular, but not Finn. It’s Kylo. Kylo must have come to bed with them, after they’d passed out in their post-coital, satisfied haze, and he actually stayed there with them until morning. Finn’s arm is curved over Poe’s waist and Rey’s feet are tucked between Poe’s ankles and that’s why.

Because it’s all of them.

Poe understands now. He truly understands. They are linked and he will never feel completely whole unless they are all together. True pleasure, true satisfaction, true contentment, can only come from all of them in the same place, on the same page, together.

He wonders if this will be the only morning he ever feels it.

It’s over almost immediately anyway because Kylo extricates himself from the pile, pushing Poe into Finn and Rey and sitting with his legs hanging over the side of the bed.Finn and Rey are awake now, too, blinking and stretching, and Poe shifts over to lay his hand on the back of Kylo’s shoulder.

“You wanted this,” Poe says quietly. “You did this. Why are you so afraid to have it?”

“It isn’t…” Kylo shakes his head. “I suppose Finn will want to know how far he can make it today?”

“In a minute,” Finn mumbles. His face is pressed into Rey’s chest and Poe can sense the lethargy wafting off of him.

Even Rey seems reluctant to move, despite Kylo’s continued presence.

“Kylo,” Poe says. “This is the first time since it happened that my head hasn’t hurt at all. Please. Just sit here a minute.”

He is tensing beneath Poe’s hand. Poe can feel Rey’s eyes on him but there isn’t anything in his head, no pang of anger. Even Rey is willing to accept this, if only for now.

“Please,” Poe says again.

Slowly Kylo slides back into the bed, his whole body stiff. Poe lays his hand against Kylo’s chest, stroking over smooth skin broken up by scar tissue until his palm is resting over Kylo’s heart.

The four of them sleep in.

-

It takes five days, more shouting, more sparring, Rey failing again to teach Finn how to meditate, and one more mind-blowing round of orgasms before they can safely walk the corridors of the _Finalizer_ on their own.

It still feels strange. There is a dull sense of loss when Poe separates from them, when he walks by himself. It is better when he shares company with Finn or Rey or Kylo, and better still when there’s more. Bondmates, Poe thinks. They are part of each other now, planned or not.

Poe has always tried to roll with the twists his life throws at him. This is just another one.

It isn’t all bad, he thinks. The sex is pretty great, for one thing. For another, Kylo has a harder time hiding from him now. Poe wished once that he could see into Kylo’s head and now he can.

He doesn’t always like what he sees there. But at least he knows.

“How will I know when I can fly?” Poe asks, sitting on the corner of Kylo’s bed. Finn is in a simulation with his squad and Poe has to struggle to remind himself that that’s Finn, not him. Kylo says that will get easier, with time. He says Poe will be able to block out all but the most powerful of emotions, so that he can ignore everything unless he doesn’t want to ignore it.

“I don’t exactly want to find myself in my cockpit out in the ass-end of space with my head splitting open because I’ve gone too far,” Poe elaborates.

“It isn’t an exact science,” Kylo says. “The longer you wait the more likely you will be fully acclimated.”

“It’s already been nearly two weeks. I’m here to fly.”

Kylo shrugs. “Then fly. I’m not stopping you.”

“You were before.”

“I’m not here to control you.”

“Oh?” Poe arches an eyebrow. He rises to his feet, moving over to stand before Kylo, setting his hand on Kylo’s hip. “Because I’m fairly sure that’s exactly what this entire thing was about.”

_It was,_ he hears Rey say.

_This conversation doesn’t involve you,_ Kylo says.

_Everything involves me. You saw to that._

_You took the liberty of--_

“Kriff, stop,” Poe says. “I’m so tired of this argument. No one will ever win. We live with what we have, right?”

Poe can feel Rey’s sullen silence and then she says, _You live with worse than you should._

_I live with what I have._ He rubs his thumb on Kylo’s hip. “And I’d really like to not have my head explode.”

“That would be less than ideal,” Kylo agrees, and Poe can’t help his grin.

-

Another week passes and Poe can’t wait anymore. They’re sending him to the Mid Rim, to meet with a contact who supposedly has information on the Resistance. Poe doesn’t fly many non-combat, non-recon missions. He suspects General Hux thinks it will go poorly and wants someone trusted on the ground if it does.

Poe can sense Finn and Rey’s anxiety, their fear, and even Kylo seems troubled. If it’s too soon, Poe won’t be the only one who suffers.

Would he die, out there in the far reaches of space, if his tether to his bondmates stretches to breaking?

_Painfully,_ Kylo says, and Poe’s shiver echoes through all of them.

When he goes, he can’t see Finn to say goodbye, but he can feel Finn’s care for him seeping through the bond. Poe tries to pass along reassurance.

Rey throws herself at him too forcefully, the weight of her lightsaber digging into Poe’s thigh. She kisses him hard and Poe feels it reverberate through him like it always does, the circle of arousal building through their linked minds.

_You’ll be okay,_ she says, not bothering with actual words. _I believe that._

_I’m glad someone does,_ Poe says, but it doesn’t come over quite like the joke he had meant it to be.

It is easier to focus once he’s in his ship, settling in. His systems check is a comforting routine and he takes off with more confidence than he had had leaving Rey. He knows flying. If he dies in a ship, well, it’s only the way he always expected he would go.

His head throbs as he punches into hyperspeed but it’s nothing like it was before, those first few days when Finn tried to leave. It is only the ache of separation, not the agony of his head threatening to split open.

By the time he lands, he has almost grown used to it. It’s nothing more than a particularly persistent headache. He reaches out to Finn and Rey through the bond and feels them reach back. He tells Kylo, _My head didn’t explode,_ and hears Kylo answer back.

_That would have been very unfortunate._

Poe smiles to himself and strides out of the spaceport.

There is a chill in the air and Poe shoves his hands into his pockets as he walks. He isn’t dressed like a First Order officer today; the plan is for him to not draw attention to himself. This is a New Republic planet and if anything goes wrong, Poe knows he is on his own. The First Order will deny all involvement.

Hopefully it won’t come to that. Poe trusts himself enough to be confident that he can handle this even if it does go south.

-

It goes south. The contact apparently lost his nerve but not in the mildly annoying, not showing up to the meet kind of way. No, he lost his nerve in the extremely fucking annoying, hand Poe over to the Resistance kind of way.

So Poe ended up spending his afternoon trying not to get killed. He’s had better afternoons, honestly.

But he doesn’t die, and he doesn’t get caught, so he figures that’s a win.

He spends the night in the next town over, which feels safer, and he knows he will have to lay low for a few days to avoid any chance that the Resistance is watching the spaceport. He doesn’t think any of them got a good look at him but he’d rather not take any chances. His face is known in some circles and he doesn’t believe in luck enough to risk it.

He is buying caf when it happens. A shudder runs through him and his hand shakes when he hands over his credits; the server gives him an odd look, like she thinks he might be ill.

“Thanks,” Poe mutters, grabbing his cup and shutting himself into the refresher. The caf slips from his hand and spills onto the floor but Poe hardly notices.

He fumbles with the lock and braces his weight against the wall. He isn’t ill.

He can _feel_ them.

He can see it, behind his eyes, Kylo’s bed, the plain ceiling, the rumpled sheets. Teeth scrape down his neck and fingers squeeze his sides but no one is touching him, no one is –

He hasn’t even touched himself and he comes so hard his vision goes black for a moment. He sags against the wall, leaning on his hands, pressing his forehead to the cool duracrete. _Fuck,_ he thinks, _fuck._

Finn and Kylo are so far away and yet Poe feels like he’s just been fucked.

What if he’d been in the meet, or worse, what if he’d been running from the Resistance? What if he’d been in his _ship_?

This can’t happen. Kylo said it would get easier. Kylo said he would be able to ignore everything but the most powerful emotions. Kylo fucking Finn has to be one of the things Poe can ignore when he needs to. It has to be.

Not that he’s displeased, exactly, though it looks like he’s pissed himself and he should probably clean up the caf. But losing control like this is too dangerous. It can’t happen.

This fucking better get easier, and soon.

-

When he is back on the _Finalizer,_ after he has made his reports, Poe goes to Kylo. Even just being on the ship again makes him feel saner, makes the pain in his head recede, and seeing Kylo sends up a flare of contentment.

“Good show,” he says, “but the timing…”

Kylo’s lips spread into half a smirk. “You must work on your focus, Commander. Wouldn’t want you becoming distracted at inopportune moments.”

Poe spreads his hands over Kylo’s hips and tugs their bodies together. “This is pretty opportune now, though. Kriff, please.”

Desire is threading through him and he wants to feel good again, he wants -

Kylo fucks him on the bed, rough, Poe’s legs around his waist, Kylo’s hand on his throat. He can feel Finn, swearing, trying to control himself, admitting defeat, mumbling excuses to Phasma and cursing out Kylo and Poe as he ducks into a fresher. Down the hall in her quarters, Rey is sliding her hand down her pants, fingers moving in time with Kylo’s thrusts, and she bites her lip and moans.

Poe chokes out a sob as he comes and he thinks, _fuck, fuck, fuck, this makes it all worth it, maybe this makes it worth it._

-

After Poe’s excursion proves that they can be apart now, life returns to something approaching normal. Finn leaves for a week. Rey sometimes comes into Poe’s quarters at night, not to fuck, just to lie together, and it calms the ache from Finn’s absence. Kylo still holds them at a distance and Poe wonders sometimes why he did this at all if he isn’t prepared to accept them fully into his life.

“I think sometimes,” Poe says into the darkness, low, as Rey lies in his bed watching him. “I think about how things would be somewhere else. If we weren’t in the First Order, no stormtroopers, no Knights of Ren.”

He never used to think like that, not even idly. He knows he does now because of Rey.

“I know it’s what Finn wants,” Poe goes on. There’s no point hiding it anymore. He can’t hide anything anymore, not truly. “He dreams about leaving.”

“And you?” Rey asks, her hand warm on Poe’s wrist. “What do you want?”

_To be loved,_ Poe thinks, and he knows Rey hears him.

“What Kylo said,” Rey says quietly. “That I always come running to save you. That’s not true. You don’t need me to protect you.”

“Except when I do,” Poe jokes, but it falls flat. The words stick in his throat.

“You shouldn’t feel like less just because you aren’t…” Rey moves until she is sitting up and she straddles Poe’s hips, leaning in, her gaze focused. “You can do things we can’t do. I’ve never flown a TIE fighter but I know the stories. Pilots tend not to last as long as you have.”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to humor me.”

“I’m not. I believe that.”

Poe squeezes her waist. “Thanks.”

Rey sucks her lips between her teeth. “But… also…” She leans down even farther, until her forehead presses to Poe’s and she can’t meet his eyes anymore. “I like how it feels when you do need me. I guess that’s kind of selfish.”

“If it is, then I’m selfish, too. Everyone likes feeling needed.” Their breathing syncs together as Poe stays quiet for a few moments. “I like how it feels when you take care of me,” he admits eventually.

_I can protect you,_ Finn said, and Poe fought it, but there is a part of him that does like it. It is only that he can’t always admit that.

“You never had anyone to do it before, just Finn, and he mostly wasn’t allowed. And I never had anyone to care for but myself.”

“Maybe,” Poe says, and he wants to say, _maybe it’s good you came here, maybe it’s good Kylo found you,_ and he means it, because what would he do without Rey in his life? He can’t imagine it anymore. He feels like they were meant to meet, to be together, like it was fated, even if he knows that’s actually a rather ridiculous thought.

He doesn’t say any of it though because he still isn’t sure Rey wouldn’t go back to Jakku if she had the choice.

_I’m here now with you,_ she says, cupping his face in her hands. _I know you can feel this._

Poe breathes in and all he can smell is Rey, all he can feel is Rey, in his bed, in his head. Maybe he really should thank Kylo.

They can’t leave him now.

-

Poe misses waking up in a crowded bed. He doesn’t miss the confinement that had come with that, obviously, or the shouting, or the general unpleasantness, but he misses waking up with his face shoved in someone’s armpit or someone drooling on his neck. It was nicer than it sounds.

Even after Finn returns he still sleeps in the barracks. Kylo still kicks everyone out before it comes to sleeping. Rey comes to him only sporadically.

And sometimes Poe is stuck in a cockpit with his head aching, wondering how this became his life.

He can mostly tune out the others’ thoughts now, like white noise. Their presence in his head is far less distracting now that he can better isolate himself from them. He can speak with General Hux without hearing Captain Phasma barking orders and he can chase after a Resistance ship without feeling the ghostly sting of someone else’s hip hitting the wall after they’ve been shoved across the room.

Kylo, it seems, hadn’t lied about anything. He just… failed to be upfront in advance of the whole thing.

Which was, obviously, a problem. Poe figures it’s sort of like being forced into a marriage you didn’t ask for, only worse because at least most married people can’t literally see into each others’ minds.

But he can’t do anything about it now except go on.

He thinks maybe he is like Kylo, truly. Kylo didn’t want to be left out. Poe doesn’t want to be left behind. So it would be a bit hypocritical to pretend he is still totally appalled while he appreciates the definite benefit of the entire thing.

_Kylo Ren isn’t the only one around here who tries to trade for favors, who tries to… to bargain with lives._

Poe pictures himself lying in Kylo’s bed, angling to stay, intentionally showing himself off to earn what he wants. He thinks of how he’d constantly tried to get Finn to stay with him and how he’d worked to earn Rey’s favor, with kindness, and how he’d purposely played Kylo with no intention of keeping his promise. He remembers showing Rey his bruises, wanting her affection, wanting her to do something to Kylo, because Poe never would.

He is still manipulating, even now. Getting Rey to stop from leaving Kylo’s room by preying on her care for him, using his own fragility yet again. Pleading with Kylo to stay in bed by doing the same.

_You pretend you’re not the same as me, but we both know better._

He likes to think he would never have forced Rey and Finn to stay with him, that he would have allowed them to have what was best for themselves, even if it meant leaving him behind. He is still grateful that now he will never have to find out.

-

Rey and Finn have joined Poe in his room, all of them on the bed. Idly Poe reaches out and tries to find Kylo, wondering what he’s doing. It’s easy now, like breathing, to feel for his bondmates and see what they are seeing.

Kylo is walking down a dark corridor that Poe has never seen before but before he reaches the end his mental walls slam into place, shutting Poe out more firmly than ever.

_Kylo,_ he thinks, _Kylo,_ but Kylo has blocked him so surely that it hurts.

“What is that?” Poe asks.

“He’s gone to see Snoke,” Rey says, like it’s obvious.

Finn and Poe exchange glances. “Snoke?”

She shrugs. “I expect they’re talking about me. Maybe you, too, because of the bond. I can’t imagine your supreme leader was pleased.” She says ‘supreme leader’ like it’s a bitter joke.

“A stormtrooper and a completely non-Force-sensitive pilot bonded to his favorite Knight of Ren? Nah, I’m sure he’s thrilled,” Poe says.

“And a Force user he can’t manipulate and who won’t buy what he’s selling.”

“You really hate the First Order.”

“I think… I think you willfully refuse to see what’s happening here,” Rey says, clearly choosing her words carefully.

“That’s what I’ve said,” Finn says, and Poe can’t look at either of them.

The First Order came from the ashes of the Empire, building themselves into something better. The First Order has been Poe’s entire life. His entire purpose, his way forward. Bringing discipline to a galaxy in desperate need of it, where the New Republic would sow only chaos and dissent. They aren’t perfect. But they’re trying.

And Rey and Finn would like him to believe that it has been for nothing, that he’s leaving the galaxy worse than he came into it.

“There’s nothing I could say that would make you join us,” he says.

Rey worries at her lip. “You told me once that Kylo Ren could only teach me, and what I did with what I learned was down to me. I can’t… I have yet to see anything here that would make me choose this.”

_Not even me,_ Poe thinks, but he knows that Rey can hear him. She touches his hand.

_You are better than this,_ she says.

“I said we should run,” Finn says. “I said that a long time ago.”

“How? How, Finn? Tell me how that would work!”

Finn doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t have an answer. Poe can feel how much that doesn’t matter to him – he will run anyway. He will take his chances and go. He believes they all should.

“We can’t leave Kylo,” Poe says. “Now we truly can’t.”

“We can,” Rey says, voice soft. “It would be hard. The separation. We would never feel…” Her mind slips to that morning when they had all laid in bed together, so content. _Like that._ “But we could leave him here.”

Poe doesn’t know how he feels except that there is a bitter taste of bile rising up in his throat, the thought of leaving Kylo for good, the thought that they _can_ still leave Poe, if it comes to it. He is not safe. He can still be left behind.

Then the wall in his mind crashes down. Kylo has left Snoke.

They stop talking.

-

Kylo gathers them all together the following day. It’s clear he really only needs Rey but Poe can sense the way he simply wants them, and he can feel the contentment in his own mind from their close proximity.

“Supreme Leader Snoke believes it’s time for you to prove your worth,” Kylo says.

Rey arches an eyebrow. “Time to ensure your project’s not just been a waste of time?’

“He would like satisfaction for his patience.”

“I’m not going to kill anyone for you.”

“We will be locating and retrieving an item for Leader Snoke.”

“An item?”

“A Dark artifact.”

“And I suppose that’s all you’ll tell me about it.”

Kylo lifts his shoulders in a small shrug. “Need to know.”

Poe can feel exactly how much Rey wants to hit Kylo in the face.

“If I don’t need to know then I can’t see how I need to help you,” she says, biting anger in her tone.

“The task requires two.”

“That’s unfortunate for you.”

Finn laughs. Poe pinches him.

Kylo is swiftly losing his temper; Poe gets a glimpse of him imagining himself slicing through the door with his lightsaber. Poe doubts it will remain imagination much longer.

“Acquiring the artifact will entail a contest, if you will,” Kylo grits out. “A show of strength; us against the keepers, to prove our worth.”

Now Rey is interested. “A battle?”

Kylo nods.

“To show our skills only, not to kill anyone?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Rey says eventually, feigning a disinterest she obviously doesn’t possess. “I suppose I could help you. You couldn’t win without me.”

The red in Kylo’s vision recedes. “I couldn’t enter without you,” he allows, and they are as close to a truce as they will come.

Poe wonders if they will kill each other before they even make it to the battle.

-

Nothing breaks through from the bond, when Kylo and Rey are away, so Poe assumes that means they aren’t actually killing each other. He feels Rey reach out to him every now and then, as if to check on him, and it makes warmth swell in his chest. Though he is curious as to how they are getting on he mostly leaves them be; privacy isn’t exactly a concept they live by anymore but he figures he can make an effort.

Finn has snuck away to lie with Poe for a while. It’s difficult, having both Rey and Kylo so far away. There is a constant dull ache deep in Poe’s head but it eases some with the weight of Finn’s head on his chest, with every slow drag of Poe’s fingers over Finn’s scalp.

“If we weren’t here,” Finn says into the stillness, “we wouldn’t have to steal time to have this. It could just be us, and Rey, always.”

“Finn,” Poe starts, but then he reflexively touches his fingertips to his forearm. He felt something, like a burn across his arm, and he can feel Finn tensing so he knows it wasn’t only him.

“Rey,” Finn says, but they get no response from her. She is distracted, fighting, but she isn’t in pain.

She is enjoying herself.

Poe has a flash of an image, Kylo and Rey back-to-back, Rey’s lips upturned in a feral grin. They spin around each other, lightsabers flashing, in sync like they can sense each others’ thoughts, knowing what the other will do.

But of course they can. They are unstoppable.

He feels their elation when they defeat their opponents and he is proud; he is pleased, too, at the mutual respect he can feel reverberating through the bond – if Rey will admit nothing else, she finds Kylo a fine fighter and there is reluctant trust there as well. She accepts him at her back and believes she can count on him.

There is something else, though, too, burning between them; it is no secret that Kylo feels desire for Rey, that his dearest fantasies revolve around her strength and fire, but Poe thinks… He thinks Rey is lying if she says she feels no attraction to Kylo at all.

They settle after that, fewer emotions bleeding through, and Poe draws away again, focusing on Finn. “I guess they won.”

Finn says, “Honestly, I won’t consider it a victory until they make it back here without Rey having cut Kylo’s dick off.”

Poe laughs and presses a kiss to the top of Finn’s head. “Will you be mad if I say I’d be crushed if that happened?”

“It’s a nice dick,” Finn allows. “Though he could stand to learn how to use it better.”

“And I suppose you’re the expert? Lucky he’s not paying attention; I doubt he’d be happy to hear you disparaging his skills.”

“Whatever, I’ll say it to his face,” Finn says, his fingertips trailing up and down Poe’s side.

They are quiet for a while. It’s nice, Poe thinks, to be like this. It doesn’t happen often. Before Finn can press the issue of them leaving again, Poe says, “Do you ever think about becoming like them? Training? So you can control the Force better?”

“I think we know how Kylo feels about it.”

“So? Like you’ve ever let Kylo’s opinion stop you from doing anything?”

Finn hesitates. “It’s not… It’s not about that. I’m not, uh, I’m not sure it’s what I want.” He sits up a little, looking down at Poe. “If I had a choice. I would never pick a life like this. Fighting. It isn’t what I want.”

“You’re good at it,” Poe says, though he knows that doesn’t matter.

“You can be good at something and still hate it. You, you love flying. I wish I had that. I wish I knew what it was that I loved.”

“Maybe the Force would be it. I don’t think it’s all about fighting. At least, I don’t think that’s all the Jedi were about. When there were Jedi, I mean.” Poe is smart enough to recognize that First Order history lessons must be biased in some respects, and they were never particularly kind towards the Jedi, but there was still enough there for Poe to be able to form a few educated guesses.

“But it’s what Kylo would focus on. It’s what Rey would focus on, too, because she’s learning from him.”

“Maybe,” Poe says. He rubs his hand over Finn’s forearm where Finn is leaning his weight. “But you won’t know if you pretend you aren’t like them, that you don’t have the ability to do what they can do.”

Poe wonders what he would do, if he were like them. He thinks it would have made him a hell of a force in the air; he’s damn near unstoppable as it is. What could he have done if he had the reflexes and foresight that come with Force sensitivity?

It takes a long time for Finn to respond. “I haven’t been totally honest with you. I… I am training. A little. Sort of.”

“You are?”

“With Rey. I asked her not to tell you.”

“Finn--”

“No, just listen. I don’t want to be like them, but I told you I would take care of you, and I will. I’m just learning some control, so if I need to…” He trails off, but Poe doesn’t need him to finish. He understands.

“I don’t think Kylo will hurt any of us.”

“I’m always gonna look out for you, Poe, no matter what.” Finn leans down and kisses Poe’s mouth. “I have to go.”

Poe exhales and watches through lowered eyelids as Finn moves. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

After Finn is gone Poe just lies there. He has an early training run in the morning and he knows he should sleep but he keeps thinking about Kylo and Rey. He keeps picturing them together, back-to-back, united; he keeps picturing the way they moved together. He has been getting a few brief, passing flashes of emotion through the bond, shock and confusion, irritation.

He is finally drifting off when he feels a spike of arousal, a fleeting press of something that feels like a kiss, the whole thing tempered by frustrated annoyance, but it passes and Poe thinks he must have imagined it.

-

It’s weird when Rey and Kylo return. Poe would have thought they’d be easier together after what they shared, after what seems to have been a successful trip, but he sees them in the corridor and it’s like neither of them can bear to meet the other’s eyes.

Weird.

Kylo goes to report to Snoke and Rey grabs Poe’s arm. “Meet me later? With Finn.”

Poe nods. “We’ll come.”

They do, and Poe barely has time to say, “How was the trip?” before Rey is pulling on their hands and talking too quickly.

“It wasn’t just a contest,” she says, “and I don’t think Kylo really knew what he was doing, and fuck Snoke if he knew this would happen, but actually, I doubt he did, he wouldn’t have wanted this, it’s probably his worst nightmare, and are marriages made under duress according to the practices of an alien culture actually binding?”

“What?” Finn exclaims.

Rey only looks sheepish. “Kylo and I got married. Sort of. I guess.”

“You got _what_?”

“Please,” Poe says, and then swallows. “Please elaborate.”

Rey is pulling at her own hair in a nervous, self-conscious gesture. “The artifact? It was linked to some sort of mating ritual they have or something, and when we won the contest I guess that was like us winning the right to be wed, only we didn’t know that was what was happening, we just thought we were getting the artifact, and there was this huge feast, and they locked us in a room together, and it was _horrible,_ and Snoke better be kriffing happy because this is not what I signed up for and--”

“Rey, breathe,” Poe says, and then he gets a flash of memory, as if it’s being pulled out of Rey’s head and into his.

_A slap, and a swell of desire, and Rey is saying, “You disgusting pig,_ that’s _what you want? Should I do it again? Huh?”_

_Another slap, and Kylo’s cheek is red, and he’s angry, but mostly he’s…_

_Then Rey is kissing him, his face in her hands, and they’re pressing together like they’ve been dying for this and then Rey is halfway across the room, red-faced and flustered, shouting at Kylo again._

Poe blinks.

Finn says, “What the hell?”

“Kriffing hell,” Rey moans, sitting on the end of her bed and hiding her face in her hands. “How did this happen, oh, fuck, why?”

“I don’t think…” Poe sits carefully next to Rey. “It isn’t a First Order occupied world, so I expect they won’t recognize the union. Officially speaking.”

“Stars,” Rey says, still refusing to show her face.

“You and Kylo are fucking married!” Finn says. “What the fuck!”

“I don’t fucking know!”

“You’re the only ones who haven’t even fucked! You know you’ve done this all backwards, right? First you bonded your minds together, and then you got married, and now you’re gonna have sex.”

“I’m not having sex with Kylo!”

“Sure,” Poe says doubtfully.

Rey glares at him. “I’m not.”

Poe just looks at Finn. “Right.”

“Whatever, I’m not kriffing married to Kylo, you said it yourself, it doesn’t count. It doesn’t.”

“You have to admit,” Finn says, smiling slyly, “it is pretty fucking hilarious.”

Rey gets up so she can shove him, which only makes Finn laugh, and then Poe is laughing too.

Because it is pretty fucking ridiculous, and considering their lives, that’s saying something.

-

“I’m hurt,” Poe says the next time he sees Kylo. “I wasn’t even invited to the wedding.”

Kylo turns straight around and walks away.

_Yeah,_ Poe thinks, smiling to himself. _Pretty fucking hilarious._

-

“I need,” Rey says a few nights later, as soon Poe lets her into his quarters. “Please,” and she is backing him towards the bed purposefully.

“Rey,” Poe tries to say, but he is already on his back and she’s kneeling over him and okay, Poe doesn’t have the greatest sense of restraint, admittedly.

His hands are on her hips, fingers kneading in, and she is kissing him with intent, nipping at his lip, licking into his mouth, and Poe is sort of half-gasping, half-moaning into it, pulling her closer. “Rey,” he says against her lips, “Rey.”

_Shut up,_ she says in his head. _Please, I need, it’s been too long, please._

And Poe doesn’t actually want to argue.

She sits over his hips and rides him, head thrown back, and Poe just lets her take what she wants. He thinks he hardly needs anything but the sight of her, the feel of her around him, and she’s right, it has been too long, even for him, and he’s had Finn while Rey has been away. Rey has had…

_The sharp smack of her hand on Kylo’s cheek sounds loud in the silence, his pale skin flushing red. Their kiss is swift and hard and they only pretend to regret it. In the bed their bodies gravitate towards each other, their minds singing with peace and contentment, but Rey wakes first and pushes Kylo onto the floor, hoping the bruises will linger. She pinches her wrist and tells herself she doesn’t want this._

“Get out of my head,” Rey says, her voice rough, her breathing irregular.

“You’re the one thinking it,” Poe says, gripping her thighs.

_Shut up._

Kylo is watching, Poe can feel him, and Rey knows he is watching; a flush has risen in her pale skin and she rolls her hips, quickening the motion, and she makes the prettiest sound when she comes.

Poe’s hips stutter and he spills into her as she leans down to kiss him; their mouths brush messily as they come down from the high of their orgasms. Rey stretches out on top of him, her fingers dancing along his side.

_Did you enjoy the show?_ she is thinking, her intent obvious.

There is no response, but Kylo’s presence recedes just a little.

“I think we’ll all feel better if you just do it,” Poe says, and Rey doesn’t say anything.

-

Rey and Kylo are combat training and it’s charged, fraught with energy, so much intensity and powerful, conflicting emotions that Poe can’t block it out. He is grappling with Finn in another room but sometimes he can’t tell the difference between Finn’s hands on his skin and Kylo and Rey breathing into each others’ faces, separated by nothing but their crossed lightsabers.

He is on the ground, Finn kneeling over him and leaning his weight down, and Poe can’t tell how much of his arousal is his own and how much is Kylo’s, if he is more turned on by Finn pinning him down or by the bleed-through from the bond, Kylo and Rey pushing each other, Kylo openly into it and Rey pretending she isn’t.

It isn’t really any use pretending.

“Please,” Poe murmurs, and Finn’s grin is wolfish.

“Don’t have time to do what I want to do to you,” Finn says, but he pulls Poe up by the hand and they jerk each other off in the refresher while Kylo and Rey continue their sexually tense, aggressive dance.

-

It isn’t really a surprise when the tension finally boils over, except for the way that it is.

Kylo and Rey are shouting. This isn’t remotely new, of course, but they are emoting furiously and it’s ringing in Poe’s head until it feels like his head is throbbing. He knows Finn can feel it, too, and he must truly be bothered because he sneaks out of the barracks to join Poe and he almost never does that.

“We have to make them shut up,” he says to Poe, rubbing his temples. “This is too much.”

Poe would have done it on his own if Finn hadn’t come to him so it is easy to agree. They walk together through the corridors, the pain in Poe’s head worsening, until they are in Kylo’s quarters.

He doesn’t know why they’re arguing, or what they’re arguing about, but it doesn’t much matter. The room is a mess and they are standing close. The way Kylo looms over Rey would be laughable if not for how beautifully glowering and dangerous Rey looks, a force of nature no matter how small she is.

The scene reminds Poe of the memory he pulled out of Rey’s head, the shouting, the slap, the kiss. He isn’t sure that Kylo and Rey know how to exist without anger but he also isn’t sure that’s a problem. He thinks they would be so much happier if they would just give in.

_This is what you want,_ Poe remembers Rey saying, holding Kylo down.

He thinks it’s what they both want.

So it’s a surprise, but not really, when Rey’s hand is in Kylo’s hair, yanking him down, when Kylo’s hand is on Rey’s hip, pressing her close, when their mouths meet in a kiss that is simultaneously the most aggressive and the hottest thing Poe thinks he has ever seen. He bites his lip and grabs for Finn; he thinks he’s hard already. It feels like the first heady night after they bonded, when he and Finn and Rey fucked in Kylo’s bed, that explosion of hormones and need.

Rey has pushed Kylo onto the bed and climbed over him; it looks like where she belongs. Kylo is tense beneath her but he doesn’t fight; he bucks a little but Rey presses one hand to his chest and wraps her other hand around his neck. Poe can feel Kylo’s spike of arousal as though it’s his own.

“What happened to how much I disgust you?” Kylo asks, because he never can just accept good fortune. That self-destructive instinct of his is as powerful as Poe’s need to meddle.

Rey squeezes her hand around his throat. “If you have me,” she murmurs, “don’t ever think it’s about you. You don’t control me. If you have me, it’s because I’m letting you. Because _I_ choose to have you.”

Kylo opens his mouth to say something but Rey’s grip tightens, cutting him off, and Poe thinks it’s the best decision she’s ever made. Fuck, they need to just fucking do this.

Rey looks over her shoulder at Poe and Finn, the ghost of a grin on her face. _Come on,_ she beckons, and no one needs a better invitation than that.

Though she remains kneeling over Kylo, Rey trades filthy kisses with Finn and then with Poe; she watches while they kiss each other. Kylo makes a half-desperate noise beneath her and Rey drags her nails down his chest, over his black clothing. She undresses him none too gently until he is the only one naked, bare as the day he was born, his pale skin flushing.

She is toying with him and Kylo is angry and turned on; it is essentially his permanent state of being where Rey is concerned.

“Watch,” she says, and holds Kylo down while she and Finn and Poe kiss again, while Poe sucks Finn off, while Finn fucks Poe with his fingers. Through a haze of pleasure Poe can feel Kylo’s frustrated annoyance but also the glimmer of, _please, yes, fuck, please, finally, Rey._

When Rey shucks off her pants and crawls over Kylo’s face, bracing herself with a hand against the wall, Kylo lies there and eats her out, hands gripping her ass, and Poe wants to be surprised but he just… can’t.

_I think you want her to hold you down,_ Poe remembers himself saying, and all it earned him was bruises. But it was true.

In the end Rey lets Kylo fuck her, rough and quick, controlling every moment of it. Poe has already come twice but he feels it echo all through him, Kylo and Rey, and Finn, and himself, and he doesn’t know where he ends and they begin but he is sure now that it doesn’t matter.

After, they all lie in the bed. Finn doesn’t try to leave and neither does Rey. Kylo makes no attempt to remove anyone. Poe is exhausted and sore and drained and he has never felt so good in his life.


	7. Chapter 7

Poe is striding through the corridors of the _Finalizer_ after a training session when he feels it, the searing hot pain of a blaster bolt through his shoulder, and then another, lower. Poe staggers, all but falling into the wall. 

He touches his abdomen but there is no blood, there is no one anywhere around him, and then he realizes.

Finn is not on the _Finalizer._

_Finn, Finn,_ he thinks. _Finn, tell me what’s happening, tell me you’re okay._

There is nothing.

“Finn,” Poe says, realizing he is saying it out loud and not sure how long he has been doing so. “Oh, kriff, Finn.”

He slides down the wall onto the floor and his head is ringing, he can’t think, he knows he hasn’t been shot but it _feels_ like he has and – 

_Poe, tell me where you are._

Poe has a sudden, hazy view of a sandy beach, dark, night skies, a treeline, a planet he knows he has never seen before. Then he blinks and it’s gone, there is only the stark, dim corridor of the _Finalizer._ He tries to focus and can’t remember where he is; ahead of him is a room number. He gives it to Rey, voice croaking. He forgets that he doesn’t need to say it out loud.

_Stay there. I’m coming to you._

He feels her before he sees her, like encroaching warmth, partially soothing the pain. She wraps her arms around him and it helps.

_Find me,_ she says. _Concentrate on me._

He tries but it’s so hard; all he can think is _Finn, Finn, Finn,_ and the pain, the pain is – 

_Breathe with me,_ Rey says. _Poe, just breathe._

“Hurts,” he says, and her arms tighten around him.

“I know. But it isn’t you and you can’t help him. Try to block it out. Just focus on me.”

Poe finds Rey’s light in his mind, her warm presence, and holds onto it. The pain fades a little, so that it no longer feels as though he is dying, at least.

_Good. Good, Poe._

“Finn,” Poe says. “He won’t answer. He won’t answer me.”

“He’s not… he’s not…” Rey swallows. “We would know. He’s probably just passed out.”

“Just passed out?” Poe exclaims. “He could be dying!”

“He’ll be fine,” Rey says, but Poe can feel her fear. “Captain Phasma knows better than to let anything happen to Finn. They will get him back here as fast as they can.”

“And then?”

“And then he’ll be fine.”

But Rey doesn’t believe it. She wants to, but she doesn’t know it’s true.

She doesn’t know that Finn will be fine because it might not be true.

-

Poe and Rey bully themselves into the medical bay as soon as Finn arrives. Poe gets a glimpse of him lying unconscious as he is taken through by staff but that’s all.

“You don’t belong. Leave.”

Poe looks up at austere Major Dechna, head doctor. Tall and thin, she perpetually appears as though she has tasted something foul.

“We’re not leaving until we know he’s okay,” Rey says, color rising in her cheeks, ready for a fight.

“I won’t have you in the way. You will do nothing but interrupt my affairs.”

“Do you know who I am?” Poe says, shoving himself in front of Rey.

Major Dechna peers down her nose at him, nostrils flared. “I don’t care who you are or whose bed you warm. Get out of my infirmary.”

Poe opens his mouth, prepared to raise hell and use every ounce of authority his rank gives him, but someone beats him to it.

“They will stay as long as I wish for them to,” comes a very familiar voice.

Kylo sweeps in, fully garbed, radiating anger. He’s afraid, Poe realizes. He is afraid for Finn.

Poe stares at him. He actually – 

“Ren,” the major grits between her teeth, lowering her head slightly. “As you say. Stay there,” she directs Poe and Rey, and then she disappears in the direction Finn had been taken.

Rey grips Poe’s hand and they stand huddled together. Poe looks at Kylo again.

After a long moment Kylo says, “You will inform me when there is news.”

Then he is gone.

Rey says, “It comes from selfishness. He’s worried about Finn because he doesn’t wish to have one of his toys broken, and because he fears the effect on himself from a severing of the bond.”

But Poe doesn’t think that’s entirely true.

He doesn’t think Rey does, either.

-

It is hours before anyone comes to tell Poe and Rey what’s happening. Finally a droid tells them that Finn is stable and recuperating in a bacta tank; Poe tells Kylo.

“Can we see him?” Rey asks.

“You are not allowed past this point,” the droid says.

Poe knows there is no point in arguing with a droid. He keeps his hand around Rey’s elbow. “You will tell us when we can see him?”

“Visitors are not allowed.”

Rey is tensing but Poe tells her quietly, “Kylo will get us in.”

And Kylo does. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a dangerous Knight of Ren to make threats and commands where your own standing isn’t good enough to get what you want.

Kylo doesn’t wait by Finn’s bedside as he lies still, but he makes it possible for Rey and Poe to do so. It is almost like kindness, Poe thinks.

Finn feels like a void in Poe’s head; he can’t sense anything. Poe can still sense he’s there but it’s different from when he is asleep; it’s almost like he is partitioned off. Poe is glad for Rey; it makes him feel more at ease to hold her hand and to feel the comfort from having her near.

He knows when Finn is waking because he feels it in his head; the spreading relief could sweep him away like a flood.

Finn is half-incoherent and groggy when he finally comes to. There is a faint pallor to his skin and his eyes are rimmed with red but to Poe he looks like the most beautiful sight in the galaxy.

“Sappy romantic,” Finn murmurs, his fingers twitching upwards, and Poe grasps his hand and holds tight.

“You like that about me,” Poe says, aiming for joking, but he feels like he might cry so he isn’t sure he managed it.

Finn’s fingers flex in his grip, like reassurance.

Rey is squeezing Finn’s thigh like a vise. “I knew you would be okay,” she says, and Finn smiles at her.

A droid comes and insists that they leave, that Finn needs rest and they are impeding his recovery. The intent is clear; a stormtrooper is of no use in an infirmary bed and must be on his feet as swiftly as possible. 

“It’s okay,” Finn says. “Think I’m gonna nod off anyway.”

“We could stay with you,” Poe protests, but the droid is adamant.

_Come,_ Kylo says. 

“Go,” Finn urges. “I got to see your faces. I’m good. I’ll be fine here.”

Poe doesn’t like it but in truth he knows that he is lucky to have gotten even this much. He is lucky that Kylo interfered.

He gives Finn a kiss, and then so does Rey. It hurts to leave Finn, an unpleasant stab in his head, but he holds Rey’s hand in the corridor, not caring who can see, and it helps.

It helps even more when they reunite with Kylo. His simple presence feels calming in Poe’s head, which is kind of weird when you actually think about it, considering.

“He’s fine,” Poe says, and kisses Kylo. _Thank you for making them let us see him._

Kylo seems startled but he lets Poe kiss him; he backs Poe up to the wall and holds him there, one hand braced beside Poe’s head, his body pressing in. Poe himself is startled by how much he _wants;_ he doesn’t know if it’s a let-down from the stress or a culmination of his relief or a way to distract himself. Maybe it’s all three. 

Rey is saying, _Finn,_ and Poe can hear him answer.

_Afraid I’m not up to much,_ ruefulness coming through the bond, _but I’ll enjoy you three doing it. Feels nice anyway._

Poe smiles into Kylo’s mouth. He hears the shifting of the mattress when Rey sits down and he looks at her.

She beckons them and says, “Here.”

Kylo goes as easily as Poe does and it’s still so strange, the idea that Kylo wants to do what Rey tells him, but it makes things easier now that he has accepted it. Mostly. Poe kneels over Rey’s hips and kisses her, her hands in his hair, while Kylo removes his overly elaborate clothes.

Rey undoes the fastening of Poe’s pants and slips her hand inside; he gasps against her cheek when she palms his cock. “What if I told Kylo to blow you?” she says softly. “Would you like that?”

“Kriffing hell,” Poe says, his cock twitching in Rey’s hand. Like hell he wouldn’t like that. But Kylo…

“Now you can kneel for him, and for me,” Rey says, shifting, nudging Poe over and looking at Kylo.

His cheeks are flushed red and there is tension in his spine; he wants to refuse but he wants to do it, too; the conflict in his mind resonates through Poe. 

But then he drops down and Rey urges Poe forward until Kylo is kneeling between his legs. Poe almost wants to come just from the sight of it. Kylo on his knees before Poe.

Kylo hesitates and Rey leans forward, grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling him down. He makes a sort of growling sound but he is nuzzling at Poe’s crotch and inhaling; Poe shivers.

He whines when Kylo sucks at the tip of his cock, his hands clenching in the sheets, and Poe thinks, _fuck, he’s never done this before, me, only me,_ and he fists his hands into Kylo’s soft hair without intending on it.

Rey moves around until her chest is pressed to Poe’s back and she slides her hands up underneath his shirt to rub over his chest. She kisses up the side of his neck and nips at his ear while Poe sighs and tilts his head back.

Kylo is sloppy and unpracticed but his mouth is hot and wet; he has one hand firmly on Poe’s hip and the other fondling Poe’s balls. It’s almost embarrassingly quick but Poe can’t find it in himself to be bothered; he comes with Kylo’s mouth on him and Rey whispering in his ear. 

He looks at Kylo through half-closed eyes, kneeling on the floor between Poe’s thighs, a streak of white come on his cheek. Kylo half wants to be humiliated and furious but he isn’t quite there; his cock is heavy and hard where it curves up towards his belly.

Poe pushes himself off the bed until he is kneeling on the floor, too, over Kylo’s lap. He licks his come off Kylo’s cheek and Kylo makes a half-strangled groan that gets lost in Poe’s mouth when Poe kisses him. 

_Better than the drugs I’m on,_ Finn is thinking, and Poe laughs.

-

Finn is kept in the medical bay for a few days. Thanks no doubt to a fear of Kylo, Poe and Rey are allowed in to see him for a short interval every day. While Poe can feel that Finn is truly all right, it is nonetheless reassuring to be able to see him, safe and whole, and to feel the comforting press of his presence as it curls around Poe’s mind when they are in the same room.

“I was surprised,” Finn says once, sitting upright, his color normal, a day before he is due to be sent back to his squad. “Kylo seemed… concerned.”

Poe says nothing. Finn already knows what he thinks and it never helps to push.

“He felt it, too,” Rey says. “When you were hurt. It’s self-preservation, to want us all to be unharmed.”

“Right,” Finn says, but he is hesitant. There is doubt there, in his mind, that that’s all it is.

It is the first time Poe has ever witnessed Finn wondering whether Kylo might care a little bit after all.

Poe leans in so he can tuck his face against Finn’s neck. “When you’re well, maybe we can sleep in Kylo’s bed again. It feels nice, right?”

Finn strokes his hand over Poe’s spine. “You know it’s hard for me to do that.”

Stifling his sigh, Poe says, “Yeah. Yeah, I know. It’s just… Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just be happy when you’re feeling good again.”

Rey shifts closer, resting her hand at the nape of Poe’s neck, her thumb rubbing circles. It almost feels like enough, the three of them quiet and relaxed and content.

Almost.

-

Finn recovers well and life returns to something approaching normal, to whatever normal is for a First Order pilot, stormtrooper, a Knight of Ren, and his apprentice, accidentally bonded together. Poe isn’t sure what normal is, really, but he thinks he is not unhappy.

“I have a task for you,” Kylo says to Poe as they stand in his room.

Poe raises an eyebrow. “A task?” Kylo doesn’t often send him out; Poe’s particular skill set is infrequently what Kylo desires.

“There is a map that I require. The location of the man possessing the information has been determined but Captain Phasma’s operative proved ineffectual. I need you to retrieve the map and deliver it to me.”

Shrugging, Poe says, “Sounds easy. Why me?”

“The information is important to me.”

“Aw, you trust me.”

Kylo ignores this. “You will be provided with back-up, should force be needed. You will depart immediately.”

“And where am I going?”

“Jakku.”

Poe frowns. “Jakku? As in, where you picked up Rey?”

“That fails to matter at the moment.”

“Does Rey know you’re sending me to Jakku?”

_I do now,_ Rey says in Poe’s head.

Kylo’s fingers are curling by his sides. _It is irrelevant. There is nothing there for you any longer._

_There is my family! They will come for me, they--_

_Your family is never returning for you and you know it. We are all you have now._

_They might have come for me,_ Rey says, but she doesn’t believe it and it feels like she’s crying. It seeps through the bond, her sorrow, her sense of rejection and loneliness, and it makes Poe’s heart ache.

_Rey,_ he says, and he knows Finn feels it too because he is reaching out to Rey, like he is trying to curl the warmth of his mind around hers.

_You have us,_ he says. _We are your family._

The sorrow recedes. Poe looks at Kylo.

_Are you happy now?_ he thinks.

“Tell me when it is done,” Kylo says, and Poe is dismissed.

-

It is night when Poe walks into the small village on Jakku. Though he is dressed in his uniform (there was no need for subterfuge; Poe has stormtroopers and TIE fighter pilots ready to strike, waiting only for Poe’s word if it goes badly) the villagers pay him little mind. Out here, Poe supposes it matters little whether he works for the First Order or the New Republic.

He is here for a man called Lor San Tekka, a religious man, faithful to the Force, knowledgeable on the Jedi. Poe finds him in a battered tent, dimly lit.

Lor San Tekka’s weathered old face reveals no surprise when he sees Poe. He doesn’t even bother to rise to his feet. His eyes seem to bore through Poe’s, like he knows something, like he knows Poe.

Poe begins, “I’m--”

But the old man interrupts him. “I know who you are. Even an old man like me knows of Commander Poe Dameron, the First Order’s most famous pilot.”

Somehow Poe knows there is more to it. This man _knows_ him.

“I knew your parents, boy.”

Poe feels an icy chill settle into his bones. “You’re lying.”

“Good people, your parents. Murdered, unfortunately. Murdered as they tried to protect you, to keep you from falling into the hands of the First Order.”

“You’re lying!”

Lor San Tekka rises to his feet, still with that calm expression on his face. “You think you know who you are but you and your master, Kylo Ren, you know nothing. You cannot hide from the truth of where you came from. It is always within you.”

“That’s enough nonsense,” Poe says, hand on the blaster at his hip. “You have something I need. Something Kylo Ren needs. You will give it to me.” 

“I will not.”

“A map,” Poe says. “I know you have it.”

“Little good that knowledge will do you.”

Frustration begins to set in. Poe draws his blaster in a threat but leaves it by his side. “Just give me the map.”

Lor San Tekka’s eyes don’t leave Poe’s face. “I will never relinquish it to the First Order.”

“I will take it from you by force if I have to. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It seems we are at an impasse, then.”

“Please,” Poe says, ashamed to beg and glad that no one else will know of it.

“I would die before I give it to you, Commander.”

“You might,” Poe says, and raises the blaster. He aims it between the old man’s eyes.

“Your parents would be ashamed of you,” Lor San Tekka says, in a voice filled with disgust, as though Poe is nothing but scum on the bottom of his shoe.

Poe’s hand shakes. _Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger._

Poe reels back and swings the butt of his blaster against Lor San Tekka’s head, once, then again.

The old man crumples, unconscious.

But alive.

Searching through the old man’s belongings takes little time and discovering the data stick that he is looking for is easy. Poe tucks it carefully into his pocket and strides out of the tent, telling Kylo, _I have it._

_Good. Return to me._

Poe contacts the waiting troops in their transport just beyond the village, the TIEs awaiting his command. They won’t be needed.

No one died and yet Poe still feels guilt pull at him.

-

Poe holds his hand out, palm up, the data stick resting there. “You’re welcome,” he tells Kylo.

Kylo takes it and closes it within his fist. He doesn’t say thank you. He doesn’t say Poe has done well.

“What is it?”

“A map.”

Poe already knows that and Kylo knows he does. “To what?”

“Nothing you need to be concerned with.”

“Kylo--”

“You think because we’re bonded you have a right to know everything but you are still beneath me, Poe Dameron. My business isn’t yours.”

That cuts but Poe tries not to let it show. “But we are bonded and if I look, I can find what you know. I just thought you might like to tell me so I don’t have to.”

“You think that’s how this works? You think you can see whatever you like? I can still keep you out with hardly an effort.”

“Rey was right. You did this to control us, so you could insert yourself into every aspect of our lives. I wanted… You know what? It doesn’t matter. Every time I try to believe that you’re not as bad as people say, you just prove me wrong. You’re a selfish, jealous, possessive, frightened ass and that’s all you’ll ever be.”

“And you’ll just be arrogant, manipulative Poe Dameron, who pretends to be better than he is, so you have no right to judge me.”

“Fuck you,” Poe says. “You think I’m judging you? You think if I really was – or if I cared what a dick you are – that I’d keep coming back here? I was just the idiot who thought that one day, I might matter to you.”

_I thought maybe I already did,_ Poe helpfully adds in his head, plain as day for Kylo to hear. Kriffing bond.

“You’ve always known what this is,” Kylo says, and his wall is up, keeping Poe out.

“Yeah,” Poe says. “Yeah, I guess I have.”

He walks back to his quarters and wishes he had a water shower so he could drown himself in it.

-

Poe doesn’t know why he expects anything more than what he has been given. Kylo has never given him a reason to.

Poe sees what he wants to see.

In his head, Finn says, _You expect everyone to care as much as you do._

But sometimes they don’t.

Poe goes to Rey’s quarters and asks, “Can you teach me to shield myself? To keep Kylo from seeing what I don’t want him to?”

Rey nods, though she seems taken aback by the request. “I can try. He’s… very powerful. I think if he wants to find something he will always be able to, but I can show you how to safeguard your mind. But Poe… You were the first one to come to terms with the bond. You accepted it.”

“Because I thought it meant that he agreed to let me in, too.”

“Poe,” Rey says, her small hand on his cheek. “I think… I think you have to take what’s on offer, with Kylo. You can’t expect him to be someone he isn’t.”

“I don’t. But I… I guess I just expect him to try a little. He’s the one who did it. He wanted this.”

“I think he just didn’t want to be left out. That’s all.”

Poe knows she’s right. He knows it. He doesn’t understand why he is still disappointed.

“You’re so easy to love,” Rey murmurs, thumb stroking his cheek. “He just doesn’t… He doesn’t feel the way we do. He locks it all away so he won’t.”

_Because he feels too much,_ Poe thinks, _and that scares him._

_Maybe,_ Rey allows. “Think of a box,” she tells him. “A box with a lock where you can put everything you wish to hide.”

Poe pictures a sturdy box and he imagines throwing all of his feelings for Kylo into it and locking it tight so that not even he can find those feelings anymore.

If only it were that simple.

-

Curiosity gets the better of Poe. He goes to sleep and remembers Lor San Tekka’s words, _I knew your parents, boy,_ and he wakes in the morning thinking of it. He wants to know. He needs to know.

He had a family once. He was someone, someone before he came to the First Order. Poe Dameron. 

He remembers a little boy in his mind, a little boy with black curly hair, laughing. He thinks maybe that boy was him.

He accesses the console in his quarters but when he searches for the First Order’s records on him, and when he searches the name _Poe Dameron,_ all he gets is the same message.

_Access denied._

The records aren’t erased, then, he has simply been blocked from seeing them.

It is fortunate that there is someone else on this ship who has access to everything and that Poe, if he is careful enough, has access to everything that’s his. 

-

Poe lets Kylo fuck him. He lets Kylo leave bruises in the shape of his hands and when Kylo walks into his refresher, Poe slides out of bed and into Kylo’s chair. A bit of careful probing beforehand enabled him to discover Kylo’s passcode without Kylo being aware he was doing so.

It takes only a moment to find what he is looking for. 

_Kes Dameron. Shara Bey._

His parents. Poe tests the names on his tongue but they feel foreign.

He digs a little deeper. Kes Dameron was a sergeant, Shara Bey a lieutenant. He was a soldier and she was a pilot and they fought in the Rebel Alliance. They both have exemplary records; Shara Bey was particularly distinguished.

Was that why? His mother was a good pilot so the First Order thought maybe Poe would be, too? Is that what they died for?

_Just like you, mama._

“What are you doing?”

Poe spins around but it’s too late; he can’t hide this. He feels his face flush.

There is no point in lying. It is too late for the box in his mind. “Lor San Tekka, he told me he knew my parents. I tried to look but I was blocked; I thought you would… I had to know.”

Kylo’s lips are in a thin line; he isn’t angry, but he is irritated. “Your parents are irrelevant.”

“He told me the First Order murdered them because of me. Because they didn’t want the First Order to take me.”

“The First Order needed children. It was a priority from the start.”

“So they stole them? I always thought I…” Poe had thought he must have been abandoned, unwanted. Not a child who was loved. “They loved me.” _They died for me._

“They would have disappointed you. All parents do.”

_Who are you?_ Poe wonders. _What names would I find if I looked? Darth Vader’s child?_

“They were in the Rebel Alliance,” Poe says. “They fought the Empire.”

“Then they were fools.”

_Your parents would be ashamed of you._ Poe didn’t even know them, not really. He doesn’t remember them. He shouldn’t care.

He knows what sort of man he is. He is at peace with that.

But he thinks of Lor San Tekka unconscious on the ground and he wonders if he could have been a different sort of man, had he been raised by Kes Dameron and Shara Bey, the rebels who loved him.

“Love,” Kylo scoffs. “You put too much stock in it.”

“Because I never had it,” Poe says, and gets dressed.

“You don’t need it,” Kylo says, and seizes Poe’s arm. “Love is worthless. It wins you nothing.”

“It doesn’t have to.” Poe wrests his arm free and leaves.

He thinks maybe Kylo thinks so little of love because he thinks he will never have it. Because he rejected it.

Poe can’t see much from Kylo, can’t break past his walls very often, but he has glimpsed enough to think that Kylo had been loved once, too, before he chose Snoke, before he chose power.

He wonders if Kylo ever thinks that maybe he made the wrong choice.

-

At night Poe tries to reach for his memories, memories that must be there, if only he could find them. 

_I’m flyin’, mama._

He knows that little boy was him, and he knows his parents were there. Kes Dameron and Shara Bey, who loved him, who tried to give him a good life. A curly-haired little boy, smiling and laughing, because he knew he was safe and loved.

Until the First Order came and took it all away.

Poe tries to pull and pull but he can call nothing forward, he can’t _remember._ Why can’t he remember? His head aches for the effort and he hears Rey say, _You will make yourself ill, Poe. I can feel how much you hurt._

_Sorry. I only wanted…_

She feels sad. _Maybe I can help you. Not now, but when you are rested and calm. I can help you clear your mind and focus on what you are searching for. Maybe I can help you find the memories you seek. Your parents?_

_They loved me,_ Poe thinks, and wants to cry. _They loved me._

_I know they did._

_Lor San Tekka said they would be ashamed of me._

He feels the warmth of Rey in his mind curl around him like a blanket. _You shouldn’t listen to him. He doesn’t know you; I do. I’ll help you, Poe. If there is anything to find, we will find it._

Poe falls asleep with Rey’s comforting presence in his head and he doesn’t dream of Kes Dameron and Shara Bey.

-

Poe sits cross-legged on the floor across from Rey, with Finn beside them. She holds his hands and talks softly and smoothly, showing him how to focus on his breathing until he feels so calm and clear-headed. All he can hear is the steady inhale and exhale of his own breath and Rey’s gentle voice.

Now when he reaches into his head it doesn’t hurt; he pictures himself walking through the corridors of his own mind, looking for the door that feels right. Kylo is behind this one, and Finn the next; he turns and behind the first door will be Jakku and behind the second one will be his flight instructor, the one who told him he flew like he had a death wish that he loved to defy. 

And here, here is the door where a tiny black-haired boy is being swung up high in the air by his laughing father, but Poe already remembers this. It is all that he can remember. He goes through the door anyway and watches; the boy is so happy, and his mother is so beautiful. Poe walks past them.

He thinks perhaps if he keeps going he will find more; he will find another memory of the smiling boy and the rebels who love him so dearly. But when he goes deeper he only hears the boy crying; the boy is screaming and his beautiful mother is crying out, _please, no, please, don’t take him, take me, please, take me, not Poe, please, not him, not him,_ and there is the sound of a scuffle, and blaster fire, and the boy is still screaming. There are bodies on the floor and – 

Poe is crying, not in his head; he isn’t a little boy screaming but a grown man crying, and Rey is still speaking but her voice is shaking. “I’m sorry, Poe, I’m so sorry.”

He feels her hand where it strokes through his hair and he is sobbing into Finn’s neck. He thinks, _they loved me, they loved me, I shouldn’t be here, they didn’t want this,_ and he can’t stop crying.

-

They disembark at Starkiller Base, General Hux’s special project. Finn’s squad sets up in the base and so does Poe and his team of pilots. Kylo takes Rey and settles in.

Something must be happening. They must be drawing closer to completion of the weapon.

Perhaps it is already completed and they are planning on using it. Poe wonders if Kylo would tell him if he asked.

Finn has been here before, Poe knows. He was stationed here for several months during an earlier stage of construction. He probably knows more about it than Poe, but he won’t know what’s being planned.

It is more powerful than the Death Star, or so the rumor goes. Poe doesn’t like to think about why the First Order believes it needs something so terrible.

-

Kylo calls them all into his quarters but the reasoning turns out to be nothing Poe could ever have expected. Kylo has the data stick in his hand, the one Poe found for him on Jakku, and he wordlessly sticks it into his console.

A holographic map flickers into view, tinged blue. With wide eyes, Poe takes it in. It looks like no part of the galaxy he has ever seen.

“It is incomplete,” Rey says. “Whatever you are hoping to find, you won’t do so with only this.”

“I am aware.” Kylo pauses. “It is a map to Luke Skywalker.”

“Luke Skywalker?” Finn exclaims. “The Jedi?”

“The Resistance is seeking him. Leader Snoke would rather I find him first.”

“To do what?” Poe wonders aloud, though he is afraid he knows already. He has always been with the First Order. He knows what their stance is on Luke Skywalker.

“After all you’ve done,” Rey says, her eyes on Kylo, “maybe killing your uncle doesn’t seem so terrible.”

Finn and Poe gape at her, and then at Kylo, but they can both feel the truth of it. Kylo is struggling to keep his emotions at bay and he can’t bring his wall up.

“Your uncle is Luke Skywalker?” Poe says. “Luke Skywalker was the son of Darth Vader? Then who was…”

He sees an image of that beautiful woman, the beautiful woman Kylo couldn’t completely block out of his mind during the bonding. The beautiful woman is his mother and his mother is Luke Skywalker’s sister.

Leia. Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.

Oh, the life Kylo has thrown away.

Kes Dameron and Shara Bey died for Poe, died in a futile attempt to keep him away from the First Order. There is a bitter taste in Poe’s mouth when he thinks of Kylo turning his back on his family on purpose.

“That’s not important,” Kylo is saying, fighting to remain calm. “That isn’t why I showed you the map.”

“Then why did you?” Finn says. “What did you think we would say? Oh, sure, Kylo, we’ll help you find Luke Skywalker so you can off him?”

“Is nothing I ever do enough?” Kylo exclaims. His cheeks are pinking; his fist is hovering over the hilt of his lightsaber. “You complain when I shut you out but when I reveal anything it isn’t good enough! You are angry because of what it is, or you push me for more, or you--” He stops, his chest heaving. “What will ever be enough? Tell me!”

“Not asking us to contribute to the death of your family would be a start,” Rey mutters.

“I don’t know what I’d do!”

Kylo seems as surprised by this outburst as the rest of them. He turns his back to them, his hand at his temple. Rey and Finn are both looking at Poe.

Poe goes to Kylo, tentatively touching the back of his shoulder; Kylo flinches. 

“He would never turn,” Kylo says, low. “Snoke would want him taken care of. I should take care of him. If I kill him it will kill the weakness inside of me. But I don’t… I don’t know what I’d do. I feel the pull, the… I feel it from both sides and I… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Poe says to him. “Thank you for telling us.” He presses his face into Kylo’s shoulder; it is as much touch as he dares to give.

He thinks that Snoke must hate them; he must hate all of them. 

Snoke is no longer the only one whose voice Kylo listens to.


	8. Chapter 8

General Hux assembles everyone on base, the entire force still at Starkiller. Finn stands with his squad in the midst of the stormtroopers, a sea of white. Poe feels for him through the bond and suddenly one white armored head seems to glow brighter. _Finn._

Kylo and Rey are nowhere to be seen.

The general is in full form. He speaks to them, voice amplified, full of righteous fury, assured of his own nobility, the nobility of the First Order. It might have been rousing, if Poe hadn’t been thinking of Lor San Tekka, crumpled on the ground, or of the Death Star, firing on Alderaan. 

Poe flew there once, near the asteroid field where Alderaan used to be. He remembers wondering if they knew what was happening, if anyone could have understood. He remembers wondering if it had hurt.

He wonders how many planets Starkiller could destroy and he wonders why they would do it.

And then he wonders nothing because he realizes what this is.

They are using it. They are using the weapon.

The Hosnian system. The heart of the New Republic.

General Hux is destroying it all.

Poe watches the beams of red light streak through the atmosphere and feels oddly separated from himself, as though it is only a dream. It can’t truly be happening. An entire star system, wiped out because they are the enemy.

It can’t be possible.

But Rey is crying, Poe can feel it, and Finn is fighting to keep himself standing still and upright in the middle of his squad. _I can feel them, oh, stars, all those lives,_ and Rey is crying, and Poe can feel it, too, because Rey can feel it, and Finn, and Kylo.

Kylo.

 _You knew!_ Rey is shouting at him. She shoves him hard. _You knew he would do this! This kriffing show of force, and you did nothing!_

Kylo says nothing and he doesn’t fight back.

-

Poe finds him later, alone in his quarters. Kylo looks tired. He feels tired, in Poe’s head.

But he stands straight enough when Poe says, “It’s true, isn’t it? You knew General Hux would point the weapon at the Hosnian system and fire it?”

“Our enemy, the Senate and all who fought for them, has been vanquished with no loss of our own men. You should be pleased.”

“Pleased? You think I should be pleased?”

“Finn is safe, isn’t he? He could have died, had we sent troopers in to storm their military base instead, or to take out the senate. This is a war, in case you had forgotten, and we are fighting the New Republic.”

“The senators weren’t the only ones who died! Not just the navy! And even if they were, you think that’s the sort of war I want to be fighting? Where we fire at people in their beds?”

“The goal was achieved--”

“The goal was achieved? You’ve made us all murderers! This isn’t like shooting down a pilot who is firing at me, this is…”

Murder. He is a murderer. They all are, everyone in a First Order uniform.

“Your hands are as red as mine,” Kylo says, his lips twisting cruelly. “Good, kind Poe Dameron, who _cares._ I always said you were just like me.”

“No,” Poe says. “No, you’re worse. You could have stopped this. You were the only one who could have done something! And you just stood by and let it happen.”

“Because it didn’t matter!”

“It didn’t matter? An entire system was just destroyed, all those living beings, and you think it _didn’t matter_?”

“They were our enemy!”

Poe shakes his head. Finn was right all along. It took Poe too long to see it. “This isn’t what I’ve fought for. The First Order was supposed to be _better_ than the Empire but we’re not. We’re not.” Poe has spent so long justifying the First Order’s actions, justifying his own actions. 

But he can’t justify this.

“You have always been a fool,” Kylo says. “You understand nothing. This is so much bigger than the Hosnian system.”

“Is it? That’s your answer? It’s bigger than the fact that we just blew up a star system so we could murder the entire Senate, along with every lifeform who had the misfortune of being there?”

“Supreme Leader Snoke has a plan for all of this, for all of us. You don’t understand.”

“No, I think I understand perfectly,” Poe says, feeling as though his vision has cleared, maybe for the first time. “I understand that Supreme Leader Snoke is setting himself up as the next Emperor, pretending that this is for the best, that he’s actually trying to make a better galaxy, bring order, but all he really wants is power and control and he doesn’t care who he destroys in order to get it. That’s what I understand.”

“Snoke _saved_ me--”

“Snoke is using you! He doesn’t give a fuck about you. He only cares about what you can do for him. You think you’re in control but you aren’t and you never have been. He’s made you into his puppet, you’re his pet on a leash. You only matter as long as he still needs you.”

“That’s a lie,” Kylo says, hands forming fists, but his voice is shaking. “You know nothing.”

Poe knows that every second he keeps talking is another second for Kylo to lose his rapidly vanishing control over his temper but he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. “Snoke never cared about you, not for a moment. Finn and me, and Rey, we’re the only ones who do. And that scares you. It scares you that we care. It scares you that _you_ care.”

“Do I?” Kylo asks. “Do I care? Really?”

A phantom hand is tightening around Poe’s throat.

“Does it feel like I care?”

There is only rage in Poe’s head, rage and fear, and Poe still thinks he’s right. Kylo’s grip tightens.

“You can kill me,” Poe says, choking it out while he still has the breath to form words. “It won’t make anything I’ve said less true.”

Kylo doesn’t stop. He is as angry as Poe has ever seen him, and his presence in Poe’s mind feels hurt and threatened, and he squeezes tighter and tighter.

Poe thinks maybe this is it. He has finally done it. He finally pushed too far and they will find his body in Kylo’s quarters, his throat crushed.

He isn’t sorry. But he doesn’t want to die.

 _Rey,_ Poe thinks, because he can’t make himself stop. He knows she’ll hear him. _Rey, please save me. Rey._

Poe’s vision is swimming; all he can see is Kylo’s blurred features. He thinks he is leaving scratches on his own neck as he claws at fingers that aren’t there.

He feels Rey’s presence approach like an oncoming storm, all fire and fury, but Poe is crumpled on the ground, gasping, tears dripping down his face, before she comes through the door. Kylo is on the other side of the room as Rey kneels by Poe, arms circling around him.

She reminds Poe of a feral Loth-cat, hissing, hackles raised, as she says, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you insane or just an idiot? You know what would happen if one of us died! And you would kill him yourself? Because he argued with you? Fuck you! Stop acting like a fucking child!”

Poe wants to say something but he can’t; his throat aches. He just looks at Kylo’s back because Kylo won’t turn around.

“Good thing you’re here to save him, yet again,” he says, but his spirit isn’t in it. Kylo feels… he feels…

 _He feels sorry,_ Poe’s head tells him, but Rey’s anger doesn’t abate.

“Can you stand?” she says to Poe. “Let me help you.”

So Poe struggles up to his feet, feeling like his shaking legs might collapse beneath him, but Rey is there, so much stronger than she looks.

“You’re okay,” she tells him, and Poe isn’t sure who she is reassuring. “You’re okay. Come on.”

She leads him to her own quarters. Poe isn’t sure if he should be glad that no one they pass takes much notice; maybe it only means that this isn’t a notable occurrence anymore. _Oh, it’s just Poe again, probably pissed off Kylo. No surprise there._

Hardly worth gossiping about anymore.

Finn is with Phasma; Poe can feel Rey send him reassurance through the bond. _Poe is fine. I’ll look after him. We can kill Kylo together later._

That last part is a joke, Poe thinks. He hopes.

Poe curls up with his head in Rey’s lap and she strokes her fingers through his hair, softly, soothingly. It is almost enough to distract Poe from the rough, harsh pain in his throat.

“You shouldn’t have gone by yourself,” Rey tells him. “You should have waited for me or Finn.”

It is a struggle for Poe to get any words out; his voice is a hoarse croak. “I needed to.”

“Stupid,” Rey says, but she is still stroking his hair.

Stupid, Poe thinks. Maybe. But when has that ever stopped him doing anything? If it did, he doesn’t think he would be here, bonded to Kylo Ren, and he wouldn’t be in love with a stormtrooper and a girl from Jakku. He thinks General Hux would probably like him better, too.

 _A death wish you love to defy._ Poe doesn’t think he would be Poe without that, in the air or on the ground.

He wonders if he got that from his parents. He hopes so.

“What would happen?” Poe asks after long moments of silence. “You told Kylo he knows what would happen if one of us died. What would happen?”

It takes a while for Rey to answer. “It would be… terrible. Unimaginable. Like half your soul was torn out, half your mind, half your heart. You remember how it felt in the beginning, when we couldn’t be apart? And when Finn was hurt? It would be so much worse than that, and though the pain would fade eventually it would never go away and that hole could never be filled.”

 _Half your soul, half your mind, half your heart,_ Poe thinks. They are truly bonded for life.

“So you and Finn won’t kill him, then,” Poe says.

Rey doesn’t laugh. “He’s never going to change.”

Poe shakes his head. “You’re wrong.”

She is wrong. Rey hadn’t saved Poe. She hadn’t needed to.

Because Kylo stopped. He stopped.

Kylo is already different.

He cares.

-

Poe is asleep, curled next to Rey, when the mattress shifts and someone crawls in behind him, circling their arm around his waist, nosing at the back of his neck.

“Finn,” Poe whispers, squeezing his wrist.

“I’m sorry,” Finn murmurs into Poe’s skin. “I told you I would protect you, and I…”

“It doesn’t matter.” Poe shifts, trying not to disturb Rey as he rolls over so he can see Finn’s face in the darkness. “I told you I didn’t want anyone to protect me, I just want… You, here, that’s enough.”

“It’s not enough,” Finn says, and Poe knows what he means. This life, it isn’t enough for him. It never will be.

Poe is starting to believe that it isn’t enough for him, either.

But Finn holds Poe close and he stays the whole night, so Poe gets to wake up in the morning feeling safe and warm and cared for, squashed between Finn and Rey. He is loved.

That feeling doesn’t last long.

-

The Resistance finds them. Poe supposes it had only been a matter of time.

Their force is small in comparison to the First Order; it should be simple to take them out. Like a game.

Only Poe doesn’t like this game anymore. How can he go out there and protect a leader who would have them murder their enemies and civilians alike; how can he protect a weapon like Starkiller? A weapon General Hux is clearly prepared to use when he sees fit?

He can’t do it. He can’t.

They will miss him almost immediately. He needs to run.

Poe never even goes near his TIE fighter. The pilots under his command will be searching for him, to say nothing of General Hux, but he doesn’t care; he sneaks out of the hangar, unzipping his flight suit partway when it feels as though he might suffocate from the pressure around his throat.

He almost runs straight into Finn. He is so surprised he can do nothing but blink as Finn removes his helmet.

Finn’s skin glistens with sweat and his big, dark eyes are intense as he focuses on Poe. “I’m gonna desert. Will you come with me?”

Poe grabs Finn by the shoulders and kisses him fiercely. Finn’s hand curls around Poe’s neck for the scant few seconds they are allowed to have this. _Yes, yes,_ Poe thinks. _This time I will. This time I will say yes. I will come with you anywhere._

Aloud, Poe says, “Let’s find Rey.”

 _And Kylo,_ he thinks. He won’t leave without seeing Kylo, without at least trying.

Finn nods and doesn’t say, _he almost killed you last night_. “She’s with Kylo.”

That makes it easier, then.

 _Stay with Kylo,_ Poe thinks as hard as he can, directing it to Rey. _We’re coming to you._

 _Poe?_ Rey says, in his head. _Poe, what are you doing? Finn?_

 _Stay with Kylo,_ he thinks again. _It will be okay._

“Kylo is angry,” Finn says as they hurry through the corridors, trying to deflect attention from themselves. If they look as though they are meant to be where they are, if they look as though they know what they are doing, maybe everyone else will believe them.

“I know,” Poe says. “I feel it, too.”

He doesn’t know if Kylo will come with them. He doesn’t know what he will do if Kylo refuses.

He doesn’t know what will happen if Kylo tries to stop them.

Rey and Kylo are arguing when Poe and Finn arrive but they fall silent. Finn starts shedding his armor like he can no longer stand the feel of it on himself.

Kylo’s fists are clenched and his voice is like barely restrained fury. “You’re defecting. Did you think I wouldn’t know? Did you think I couldn’t see it?”

Poe moves forward. “We came here for you. Both of you. So you would come with us.”

“Come with you?” Kylo scoffs. “And why would I ever do that? Why would I ever allow you to leave?”

“You can’t stop us,” Finn grits out, moving towards Kylo like he is counting on a fight. Rey is tensing as though she is prepared to intervene on Finn’s behalf.

“Can’t I?”

“For fuck’s sake,” Poe says, moving between them. “This isn’t a pissing contest! It’s over! We’re fucking done, Kylo. We’re done.” He looks at Rey, questioning, though he knows already what her answer will be.

Rey reaches out and takes Finn’s hand.

“You’re done,” Kylo says. “In case you hadn’t noticed, the war isn’t over.”

“It’s over for us! I don’t care anymore! And they never did.”

“So you would simply run? Defect? Abandon your duty?”

“Fucking right,” Finn says. “I would have gone months ago if Poe would’ve come with me.”

Kylo eyes him with distaste. “So much for loyalty.”

“Loyalty,” Finn spits. “As if the First Order even knows what that is. Is it loyalty when Captain Phasma tells me to leave my squadmates behind because they’re too slow? When she warns me against helping any of them?”

“Weakness must be culled,” Kylo says, and Rey snorts.

“Yes, that’s the First Order,” she says. “Pretty words to cover the ugly galaxy they would like to rule over. That’s your precious Snoke, and your precious Knights of Ren.”

“We don’t have time for a philosophical debate,” Poe interrupts. “The Resistance is here! They’re going to get their asses handed to them or they’re going to blow this place up and either way, I don’t want to be here to see it. This is our chance. It’s a disaster out there. We can run.”

“You assume I want to!” Kylo exclaims. “Why should I? I rule here!”

“You don’t rule here, Snoke does! And if you can’t see that you’re naïve, deluded, or both.”

“I am his right hand, he taught me everything--”

“He taught you what he wished you to know only. I know you have doubts about what is happening here, the same as us. You might be able to lie to yourself but you can’t lie to us.”

 _I felt it, when Starkiller destroyed the Hosnian system,_ Poe thinks. _That wasn’t what you wanted._

“It doesn’t matter,” Kylo says. “It doesn’t matter! Only who wins, that is all that matters.”

Poe thinks maybe he’s lost, he thinks maybe Kylo will choose the false illusion of power that Snoke offers but never intends to give to him. He thinks Kylo won’t leave.

But Poe doesn’t know how to give up.

 _I know why you hurt me last night,_ he thinks. _But do you?_

“You’re wrong,” he says aloud. “This matters. We matter. We mattered enough for you to want to keep us. But we won’t stay here any longer. I’d rather die.”

He remembers Lor San Tekka crumpled on the ground and the light in the sky as Starkiller fired upon the Hosnian system. He won’t be that person any longer. He doesn’t know who he would have been if he had been raised by Kes Dameron and Shara Bey but he wants to try to be someone they might have been proud of.

Poe looks at Finn and Rey and he knows they are of the same mind. They will fight until the end but they will die before they remain in service of the First Order.

This is the only life Poe has ever known but it isn’t the life he wants.

He doesn’t think it ever was.

“Sentiment,” Kylo growls. “Foolish sentiment, that’s all this is. I expected it of you, but Rey, I’m disappointed. I thought you were stronger than that.”

Rey’s smile shows all her teeth. “I’m stronger than you. Isn’t that what you wanted? Your most shameful secret?”

 _Shut up,_ Kylo says in their heads, and Rey laughs.

“Poe was right,” she says. “You can’t lie to us. You can’t lie about what you want, or about your own foolish sentiment, all that you try to hide. You said it yourself-- you feel the pull. You are only afraid to choose.”

“I will choose myself,” he says, but he sounds less certain than he wants to.

Rey shrugs. “Do that, then. Be miserable here on your own, if the Resistance doesn’t kill you.”

“That can’t be what you want,” Poe tries. “Why did you do it at all? Why did you do it, if we meant nothing? If we were truly disposable you would have let us go and found someone who was less trouble.”

 _The bond,_ he thinks. _You will be so miserable without us._

_My life would be easier without you._

“Let him do what he wants, Poe,” Finn says. There is disappointment seeping out from him but he never really expected this to go any differently. “You’ve always tried too hard.”

But Kylo can’t want this. He can’t. What was it all for?

Easier without them, well, yes, of course it would be. Poe’s life would be easier, too, but it wouldn’t be what he wanted.

“Please,” Poe says. “We’re running out of time.”

Kylo can no longer pretend he feels nothing at all and he must know it. He tries another tactic. “Snoke will never let me go! He’ll come for us.”

“Let him. I’m not afraid of him.” This is a lie but Poe has always been good at bravado.

“Do you have any idea what he’s capable of?”

“You’re _Kylo Ren!_ You shouldn’t be afraid of anyone! And you have Rey. You have Finn. And…” Poe stands as straight as he is able. “I know I’m not like you, I can’t do what you can, but you will always have me.”

_The one who keeps coming back, no matter what you do to him._

“And what good will that do?” Kylo asks, but he is wavering. Three Force users and Poe’s false confidence against Snoke maybe doesn’t sound like such bad odds.

Kylo never thought he would have anyone at his back but he does.

“In the back of your mind,” Rey says, “I know you always meant for me to stand with you against Snoke. I was your insurance, for when Snoke tried to discard you, or for when it all went wrong. I will stand beside you, if it comes to it. I won’t be his dog, but I will… I will be your partner. Not here. Not for the First Order. But I know what we can be and I’ll be that, on my own terms.”

“Me, too,” Finn says, and Poe thinks maybe no one is more surprised than he is.

“But you have to make the choice to have us,” Rey goes on. “To leave. To be your own master. When you brought me here I thought you were a coward. I thought you were a monster, a monster who felt nothing. I thought…” She swallows and takes a breath. “If you stay here, I’ll know it’s true. Prove me wrong. Prove you’re more than that, prove you’re more than Snoke’s tame beast.”

When Kylo still says nothing, the war inside evident on his face, in his mind, in his continued hesitation, Poe says, “This is our _chance,_ Kylo. To be free, to live our lives the way we want. Are you going to take it with us?”

The silence stretches. Poe thinks that Kylo will never agree. It was stupid to try. Why does he never learn?

Kylo says, “We can take my shuttle.”

Poe is so stunned that he can’t think of anything to say. Clearly he isn’t alone in that sentiment, as Rey and Finn stand there mutely as well.

Kylo’s mouth twitches. “Now would be ideal, I think.”

Poe grabs a handful of Kylo’s hair and yanks him down, kissing his mouth. “Okay,” he breathes. “Okay.”

In his head, Kylo says, _Thank you._

In all his time in the First Order, all his time with Kylo, Poe has never heard those words from him.

 _I love you,_ Poe tells him, unable to stop himself. _You thought I couldn’t and they thought I shouldn’t but I do._

Kylo’s smile is so small it nearly isn’t there. Even so, it changes the entire construction of his face. “I know.”

“Later,” Rey says, slipping her hand in Poe’s. “We need to go.” She nods at Kylo, quick, approving. “All of us.”

Kylo grabs his mask and then the data stick with the fraction of the map to Luke Skywalker from a concealed compartment in his desk. Finn looks at his armor scattered on the floor and leaves it behind.

They don’t run through the corridors but they do hurry. No one pays them much attention, too caught up in the chaos of the battle to wonder what plan Kylo Ren might have, what task he might have set for his favored three.

No one stops Kylo from accessing his own shuttle. No one would dare. They are in the air before anyone can even register they are leaving. Kylo looks natural behind the flight stick but Poe supposes he should; he rarely takes a pilot.

The battle is raging above Starkiller but Kylo guides them away from it, flying over the surrounding forest. The light is going out of the sky and Poe knows the weapon is charging. They must know the location of the Resistance base. The only question is whether or not they will be able to fire before the Resistance destroys them.

It is a question to which the answer is no longer Poe’s concern.

As the base diminishes in the distance the enormity of what they have done begins to hit Poe. They are leaving the First Order. He is a defector, abandoning the only life he has ever had. All that structure, that purpose, is gone now.

He feels hot, too hot, like he can’t breathe, and he pushes the flight suit down his arms, tying it around his waist, reminding himself how to breathe. He can feel sweat drip down the back of his neck. Finn slides his hand along Poe’s shoulders and kisses the side of his face. 

“You just wanted an excuse to show off your arms,” he teases, and Poe tries to relax. This is what he wanted, Finn, and Rey, and Kylo. He only has to be brave enough to have it.

When they are clear of the planet they begin preparations for the jump to lightspeed. Poe doesn’t know where they are going; he doesn’t even know if Kylo does. A hysterical thought crosses Poe’s mind, that they could go to the planet where Rey and Kylo were married. He can’t bring himself to make the joke out loud.

“Now where?” Finn asks.

They all look to Kylo. He touches his hand briefly, almost reflexively, to the pocket where the data stick sits. “I have plotted a course away from here. That is good enough for now.”

Finn looks as though this actually is far from good enough but Rey is nodding like it makes sense. She only wants to leave, Poe thinks. She doesn’t care where they go.

Poe can’t even imagine where they _can_ go. He still can’t believe they left.

He doesn’t know how this will work. He doesn’t know how they will function outside of the First Order. He doesn’t know anything.

Poe stands up and moves behind the pilot’s seat, as Rey slides into the co-pilot’s chair he has just vacated. He touches his hand to Kylo’s tense muscles. He is not the only one who is wondering at what he has just done.

“Your shields are up,” he says to Kylo.

“Snoke is… probing,” Kylo says. “It is best if he can’t find me.”

 _What have we done?_ Poe thinks. How far will they have to run, and how long will that keep them safe? He thinks they will never be truly free until Snoke is gone and that is a sobering thought.

And yet, they _are_ free. The First Order fades farther and farther into the distance behind them. Their future is vast and uncertain.

Their future is wide open, spread out before them.

Still unsatisfied with the lack of clarity from Kylo, Finn asks, “What do we do now?” 

Rey is smiling as she looks through the viewport at the stars. “Anything we want.”

**_End_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you go! Thank you again to my beta, delisalicious, who was delightfully enthusiastic about this fic when I needed it, lol, and thank you to everyone on Tumblr who listened to me complain about it for months. Special thanks to rain_sleet_snow and spookykingdomstarlight, whose suggestions when I was stuck helped me get unstuck, and to bisexualwondertrev (ElanneH) who read a large chunk of it when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, and who made me a gorgeous aesthetic post for Tumblr! I would also like to thank my RL friend who put up with me talking about this constantly, read two drafts of it, and frequently made suggestions I used, as well as some delightful anons who read along when I posted snippets. If any of you came over here to read the whole thing, thank you so much, your comments were so encouraging and helped me figure out what worked as well as shape the final product.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I’ve never written anything quite on this scale before and I’m proud of it, so I really really hope you enjoyed. Please consider dropping me a comment to let me know what you thought, I treasure every one. I can be found on Tumblr [here](http://serceleste.tumblr.com).


End file.
